Helpful or bullying?

[chickennoodledoodle]

My sons dad has always been an active person, exercising regularly. Our ds likes to join him & it's something they do at least 3 times a week.

Since lockdown, we've all been over indulging a bit & maybe not exercising as much or as regularly as we would.

About 3 weeks ago I walked in at the tail end of a conversation they were having in which my ds dad was trying to cajole him into going for a walk, my ds was saying he didn't want to go blah blah blah to which I heard his dad say; but you don't want a big fat belly do you? He said it in a laughing way & he saw I'd heard it as I'd just entered the room, he then quickly said something like 'it's important to keep healthy' or something like that.

I was devastated, I felt really bad for my ds, this is not language I think appropriate to use & I'd already told him this at least a year ago. He did agree that instead of saying words like "fat" or "over weight" he'd say "unhealthy" etc.

Anyway, as I couldn't shout at him in front of our ds I text him telling him not to do it & how bloody cross I was with him. We are all having to live in lockdown together & getting time alone with him to discuss this out of earshot from our ds is virtually impossible.

Since then I've heard him use the word fat again to my son when getting him to do some training. On the whole our ds is incredibly active, loves exercising with his dad - most of the time - is not in any way fucking fat anyhow but sometimes gets wrapped up in the tv & doesn't always fancy doing anything.

I'm so fucked off with my ds dad I can barely wrap my head around articulating a correct response. I had a chance to tackle him about it the other day where I asked him not to use those kind of words with our ds & he basically said; " yeah ok but look, you know, exercise is important & he's definitely putting on weight" (he bloody well isn't!)

Our son came back in & I didn't have time to respond. I think I was too shocked tbh.

Our ds is not putting on weight, really he isn't but even if he was, so what? He's 11 yrs old for crying out loud & runs around everyday.

Can You please help me find a "rational" way to "calmly" explain to him why he SHOULD NOT use words like fat & big to our child? Incidentally, I am overweight, we split up because he didn't fancy me anymore (& I got fed up of his over bearing controlling ways) & yes my ex is a fuckwit, superficial cock. What I need PLEASE, please are succinct words to shut him down.

Thank you

So you're living together but he's your ex? Is that right?

Firstly, you're being a bit over-reactive to say you were devastated and felt really bad for your DS....UNLESS your DS IS indeed fat and then you're perfectly reasonable to be upset about it.

Of course it's not correct to say "you don';t want a big fat belly" as a way to cajole a child into taking a walk.

BUt he's 11. He's surely heard that laziness leads to obesity?

Are you certain your son is not overweight and that's why you're so sensitive about what his Dad said?

And without being mean it sounds like you're projecting your feelings onto your DS.

Like...you feel bad about being overweight and it was you that was devastated...not your DS.

You can't control the language your ex uses...even if it is innapropriate.

You can let your son know that obesity is part of a bigger problem.

If he’s encouraging him to be healthy and exercise then let it be, yes have a word with ex about not using the word fat. But if he’s doing no exercise with you then encourage it

He does sound overbearing, those gym addicts get very boring! My ex used to call me..Barrel Girl. I think you need to tackle him again, get him on his own when your son us in bed and ask him dies his understand what you are telling him and agree to stop!

I was (very) fat growing up and wish someone had been blunt with me about it. I am now a healthy weight as I eat well and exercise.
Your son may be putting on weight and you don’t necessarily see it. I think people can be too sensitive to things like this and sometimes being blunt is needed.

Sorry but it does like like you’re projecting your feelings about yourself into this situation, which is understandable

Yes it does sound like you're projecting your own feelings about being overweight.

You sound like you are overreacting I don’t see anything wrong in what he said.It is important to exercise and not eat cake all the time whilst sitting on ones bottom to stay fit and not get fat.

I’m sorry, you are overreacting and projecting. In the nicest way, it sounds like you are trying to control the conversation around weight and everyone has to tread on eggshells around you.

Sounds more like your problem than anything else. He can change the word fat for unhealthy but at 11 years old your son knows full well fat is exactly what is meant.

My DN's mum was like this. She constantly from about 4 always told them if you eat this and that you'll get fat. We said to her on multiple occasions stop saying it. He was as thin as a rake! She would say this whilst stuffing a cake in her mouth btw.
Fast forward 10+ years he has no contact with his mum but what she said has left scars. He is in constant fear or getting fat and anorexic. He's literally all bone and it breaks my heart.
Your husband needs to stop, now.

Why don't you want the word fat used around your ds?

We use fat. Not as in "you're fat" but as in "if you don't do any exercise and keep eating all the time you'll get fat and that's incredibly bad for your health". I think you're massively overreacting - the danger is from calling/labelling a child fat. Not explaining the consequences of eating too much and doing no exercise.

I think you're overreacting.

I'm sorry your DP was so shallow as to not want the mother of his child anymore because she put weight on, and saying "You are fat" is obviously not nice and shouldn't be done, but saying "You don't want a big fat belly do you?" is very different. Especially if it was done in a jokey way, which you admit it was. An 11 year old is old enough to understand the difference between a personal insult and a jokey question.

I think you are projecting your upset and sensitivity onto your son. Just to get some perspective, how tall is your son and what does he weigh? You say he isn't putting on weight, but could it be you just aren't noticing?

Fat is just a word. It’s how it can be used that is the problem.

Eating. Disorders are so common now, parents constantly telling their children not to get fat can’t help.

There is no harm children understanding where body fat comes from, but constantly making negative comments about being fat, or fat people can be damaging.

Totally over reacting. Are you overweight? We talk about watching what we eat and exercising so we don't get fat all the time in our family. The term Fat is not used in a shaming way at all, just referred to as fact, that indeed, it's easy to become fat if not exercising. It doesn't have to be a taboo word unless it starts ring used all the time.

Totally over reacting.

Agree.

I’d be grateful if my kids had a dad who wanted to take them out to exercise right now. Unfortunately they don’t. Unless the child has anorexia, ocd or another relevant mental health issue that comment shouldn’t do any harm. 11 yr olds can be lazy & hard to get off the screen / sofa, a little vanity motivation alongside the obviously more honourable health aspect might be needed, personally I need both to get myself up & out. Being healthy & trim is especially important right now and exercise is good for mental health too.

" I heard his dad say; but you don't want a big fat belly do you?"

"I was devastated, I felt really bad for my ds, this is not language I think appropriate to use"

"I'm so fucked off with my ds dad I can barely wrap my head around articulating a correct response."
Being devastated and so angry you can barely articulate a response is a massive over-reaction. Clearly this has a lot to do with you being overweight and him not fancying you as a result. Is it that you have a big fat belly yourself?

I think the context in which your ex said 'fat' was perfectly okay. You don't want your DS to have a big fat belly, do you? I don't think your ex is bothered about your DS putting on weight per se, but doesn't want him putting on fat. Unless you lacked the layer of fat bodies need, surely no-one wants to put on fat?

Context is important. As long as your DS knows not to hurt people by telling them they are big and fat, using the terms in context is fine.

"Anyway, as I couldn't shout at him in front of our ds"
It's great that you could control yourself enough to not shout in front of your son, but why the need to even shout at your ex about this? What is wrong with a normal conversation?

Sledge hammer to crack a walnut but the idea underneath is sound.

Sometimes tiptoeing around an issue creates bigger problems long term.

I think this is more about you and your anger at your ex.

Maybe you could encourage your son to exercise with you so you both get fit together? Be the positive role model for him.

Wow, your reaction is very extreme!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling an 11 year old if they overeat and don’t exercise they’ll get fat. It’s the truth!

You are completely overreacting.

Wow. Thanks everyone. So I need to chill the fuck out really

I think I am upset about his choice of words from the perspective that I believe eating disorders CAN come from the types of words we use especially to our children. I've read many a tale of girls being called fat, being made to feel guilty for eating too much & going on to struggle with their relationships with food & becoming anorexic as a result or struggling with yo-yo dieting throughout their lives.

We are generally healthy & active, eating meals cooked from scratchl. I went through early menopause & I've struggled with my weight ever since simply because I've been exhausted for the past 4 years due to insomnia.

My ds is not fat, no I don't have my rose tinted anti fat glasses on. My son is so active fat doesn't get a look in .

Thanks for giving me perspective though. I will still, always encourage my ex to use better language though. He detests fatness in people & I don't want that attitude that fat people are somehow "bad" to rub off on on my ds.

Thanks again