To think being too sincere makes it difficult to build friendships

[Telaviv]

I've been reflecting on this a lot recently and have concluded that through a mix of nature and nurture I seem to have developed a particularly sincere/earnest type of character. I am quite a serious person and spend much of my time making sure that what I say can never be misconstrued to be some kind of slight. I am appalled by the idea of offending anyone or saying something silly and am over-polite to the point where I want to scream at myself sometimes for being so bloody earnest! I can make very superficially friendly small-talk but it's forced and practised (and quickly exhausted) and I don't really know how to have a casual joke with someone or build genuine rapport. All of my conversations with the few friends I have are about very factual things - what we've been doing lately, how we feel about serious things that have happened to us in life - there's never any good natured joking or teasing (I'm too petrified I'll accidentally say something that falls flat).

There is a scene in the TV series "Girls" where Marnie's character is assassinated by another and they say something along the lines of "you spend all your energy being so fucking nice and sincere you actually come across as superficial" and I think that's how others think of me. Hilariously for all my efforts I think I come across as cold and inauthentic by others' standards.

I don't see how I can change now. It's such a fully-formed part of my personality. My parents are much the same so I know it's a partly learned behaviour. I find it so difficult to get people to warm to me. I don't know how to build new friendships anymore. The few friends I do have left are ones I made at school where your whole friendship is based on geographical proximity and we still see each other now once very few months, purely out of habit. I'm so frustrated at myself for being so nicey nice and serious all the time but I think it's too late to change.

"you spend all your energy being so fucking nice and sincere you actually come across as superficial"

I don't think this makes any sense.

Stop thinking about what you are going to say/what the other person will think about you and just listen to them. I guarantee if you really pay attention to them they will think you are a wonderful friend.

I know what you mean op. I think this is an expression of fear though - what are you afraid of, if the worst happened? Humiliation? Ostracism? Something else? How many times has that happened to you before, and what were the worst ones?

I think some counselling would be really helpful - I did this for years as a result of being badly bullied when I was a teen. I’m fully myself now, but i had to sort of teach myself that it was actually safe to be myself, if you know what I mean. The terrible irony is that it’s a self protective mechanism that loses you relationships and friends, as people can tell probably due to body language, micro expressions etc that something isn’t quite ringing true.

It’s totally fixable though - maybe start by when you think of something funny, something that tickles you, make a joke about it. Worst case, it’ll be a bit of a naff joke, best case, you get a chuckle and whoever you’re speaking to gets to know you a little bit better, because you’re being genuine. Baby steps!

Your energy is all bound up in how they perceive you
/ understand what you say. Even though you want to please them, it’s still kind of self-centred (self centres and selfish not the same). Try just tuning into them unselfconsciously. Like when you read a book, you forget yourself. Try to live in the moment with the other person instead of always trying to second-guess how you’re coming across.

Really interesting points OP, I can't say I'm the same but I get where you're coming from as I feel I've seen examples of this and it does come across as fake. Actually I work with a tonne of lawyers and they all give off this vibe. The ones that come across as genuine are ones that give their opinions and I think OP maybe this is something you should look at, just feeling more confident to give your opinion, and guess what, totally fine if someone doesn't agree or is mildly offended, a relationship can be built by them feeling vulnerable and you apologising or vice versa, gotta break down some barriers.
Perhaps some reading- 'the subtle art of not giving a f#*k' or 'the courage to be disliked'. In short, be more confident with who you are, what you think, what you like and be vulnerable with people, you'll find your tribe I've no doubt.
Good luck and let us know how you get on!
X

I think you have to allow yourself to get it wrong quite a lot. That's how everyone else learns. Find somewhere you can practise some low key banter - maybe join a drama group that does improv or comedy games. If it all falls flat, you won't ever have to see those people again after a few hours a week. (Obviously this will only be possible after lockdown ends.)

You could also listen out for ways in which other people get friendly teasing right. Tune in to people who do it the way you would like to and avoid the more difficult stuff. I once worked with a woman who was perfectly capable of saying to the most miserable shit in the room, 'Hello, you miserable shit, have you been ruining everyone's day again?' and she could make it sound like she was being charming and flirtatious with them. How she pulled that off I don't know but I'd never try something that bold. Stick to banter that is quite kindly.

One way is to practise by being self deprecating in a way that isn't too low self esteem. I remember a woman in a bright satin dress at a wedding once saying she felt like the purple quality street. It made everyone laugh and warm to her.

Just have a go at some light, inoffensive banter and gentle teasing. With your own friends you could start by sending yourself up a but and then sending the entire group up. Don't pick on an individual.

TOTALLY get that

Yes! This is totally a thing. And must be so frustrating! I know a couple of people like this and the thing I find that makes them hard to get to know is that they never talk about themselves. It's like they've been socially conditioned to think that's rude so always try to deflect attention away from themselves and back to the person they are talking to. Exhausting for them and means no one really feels like they can get to know them/see any vulnerabilities.... try telling someone you've had a tough day and why and see what happens....people want to hear about you!!

I get this, it's hard to make friends when it feels superficial and you want to go in on a deeper more authentic level.
My advice in the nicest possible way, while you're initially interacting forget yourself and your internal monologue and be present, listen and interact naturally, use humour where appropriate / feels natural. The deeper, more honest friendships will follow in time...

Fairyliz is right. One of the keys to being able to build friendships is to learn to trust yourself and trust others to accept you.

To be totally frank you're probably a little bit right. It can be slightly draining to feel that the person you're with is so sensitive about how they're perceived that they don't allow themself to relax. It makes the other person in the dynamic feel anxious.

The good news, though, is that if you're a sensitive person, you're probably also a good listener. The benefits of this are vastly vastly under-rated. Half of being a good friend is being able to listen to people -- properly listen rather than place mark in the conversation in order to get your comment in. This is a real talent.

It probably is worth having some counselling to get to the bottom of why you are so keen not to offend or upset people: friendships can take and probably actually benefit from people being selfish enough to allow the real them to show through.

If you're worried about offending others you can still make a joke, just make yourself the butt of it, at least initially. Try and soften things a bit then take it from there

Might this be social phobia?

I don't know much about it, sorry, but I don't think it's as easy as "just relax".

BTW to a pp who said just listen - if someone did this with me without feeding back I'd go up the wall (internally)! It has to be to and fro, surely.

Also I bet you are a lovely friend to have x

I had a friend like you when DC were babies. She was very earnest and if I'm honest quite dull to be around. Other people avoided her, 'forgot' to invite her to meet ups etc. But she was an absolute rock to me when we discovered DS2 had special needs. Just waited patiently while it took me an hour to get him ready and well enough to go for a walk around the park. She emigrated and we lost touch for a while but got back in touch on FB. Behind the safety wall of social media, she is absolutely hilarious! I love her sense of humour and all her interests and passions are more obvious now. It's lovely to get to know the real woman.

I think you may just come across as reserved. Why don’t you look at activities where you’ll be around people that you I subconsciously let your guard (and hair down)

Like a sports group
Dancing classes

also look at all
Your good points and tell yourself why you’d be a good friend to somebody. Know your worth and build on your self esteem

Maybe 'your people' are just harder to find. If you have autistic traits, for instance, you might prefer the company of other people with autistic traits. That's certainly true for me, and once I realised that it was quite freeing. Some medics, lawyers, writers, poets, people who travel a lot particularly abroad, people who work with animals eg in animal refuges. Those seem to be my kind of people. Essentially what my friends have in common is autistic traits. We all found our own niches in life. You might need to find your tribe too, tucked away where you might not have thought to look.

@mumof2under2sohelpmegod

I just wanted to say thank you so much for recommending the "courage to be disliked". I have the same problem as the OP and downloaded this book for 99 p on Kindle and it's an absolute revelation.

Men don't seem to have the same dilemmas and I think that they generally find it much easier.
For them, friends are people you have fun with and they're generally not looking for a deep emotional connection. If a deeper trust emerges then so be it, but I think that their friendships are more dependent on a love of golf, or simply having a laugh.

Maybe take a leaf out of their book? Have fun. Don't seek someone you can bare your soul to.

I don't see how I can change now. It's such a fully-formed part of my personality.

It’s not though, surely that’s the problem. You worry about what you’re saying too much and are therefore not being yourself. Sounds like you’re hiding your personality.

@PapayaCoconut glad you liked, keep reading, reflecting, always good! Xxxx

I think if you’re coming from a place of fear then the conversation can’t be easy and flowing. And I think I would file you under “hard work” and at a party I might swerve you!

If you have good friends, it’s ok to make a joke, be silly and let your guard down.

Yes. The same way being very flippant and seldom serious can push people away (Im a flippant person generally and find very earnest peoole hard work as they do me). You can find your people though, over the years I've managed to find other idiots like me

I totally agree with the fact that you can be too nice and smiley to point it is insincere.

I does become impossible to get to know the real person underneath the constant smiles and niceness. I also think a little disagreement or conflict is good as it makes you consider your own views. Showing real feelings also allows others decide if your just having a bad day or if something is really wrong. How many times do you hear after a suicide attempt or sadly an actual suicide that people had no idea and they always had a smile on their face?
Being nice is good, being thoughtful and smiling as nice but it is important to show real truthful emotion and honesty.

Op i know someone like this and to be honest it's really really difficult to be friends. She is really hard work. I am direct and open, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I'm with her she makes me really nervous because I never know what she is really thinking, as you say it comes across as insincere, because she'll agree or go along with anything not to offend.
I used to be more like this and I think it really is possible to change. There are so many people in this world that you will always find new friends. If you show your true colours and your friends don't like it then stuff them! But you never know, it might bring you closer.