Do abusive men ever change?

[Koalaing]

Just caught up on the domestic abuse storyline on Coronation Street. It started me wondering about an ex of mine, who was abusive in the coercive control manner. I was speaking to a friend about it last night, and wondered whether he was the same way with his now wife as he was with me. I hope he isn't, but can't imagine that he's changed much. My friend, however, says she thinks that abusive men can change and might not abuse all partners.

AIBU to think that abusive men will always revert to type?

Some can, some can't. Most behavioural problems can be solved.

It depends why the abusive behaviour is arising. If it's due to a new mental health problem, for example, that can be treated. If it's due to deep seated psychological issues arising from an abusive childhood then yes that too can be treated but it's more difficult.

In all cases, real change can only come about when the desire to change comes from within.

And you shouldn't hang around waiting for someone else to decide to change themselves.

Your friend, is a dafty CD

Sorry but abusive abuse because there is something fundamentally lacking in them. It isnt fixable, because they are who they are.

Only exceptions might be if they were mad alchoholics/druggies and that made them that way and they have beat their addictions.

But for the most part they're just walking cluster b personality disorders that need to bully people in order to feel anything. Lions never become lambs.

*abusers abuse

I don't think that's true @Wanderlust21

When I was younger I was very emotionally abusive and manipulative towards an ex boyfriend. At the time I was in the grip of severe depression. My behaviours arose from a place of fear that he would leave me and desperation to stop that.

My behaviour was absolutely wrong. The problem was I couldn't see it at the time. I see it now because I am healthy.

I've changed. Others can too. I believe most can - true psychopaths are actually very rare. Most people can be fixed if they want to be.

Wanderlust
Saying that abusers are “walking cluster b personality disorders that need to bully people in order to feel anything.”

Is really offensive and ignorant. Most people with those types of personality disorders harm themselves not other people.

From what i've read and researched (and after completing The Freedom programme), no, very very unlikely.. They are far too superior in their world, it's other people who are at fault, why would they possibly need to change??

Psychopaths are rareish but sociopaths and narcissists arent. And tend to be abusive.

But that's good that you were able to recognise those patterns of behaviour in yourself and change it. I still think you are the exception, not the rule however.

I agree with Lockheart,
Some abusers can change and others do not. Abuse is largely learned behaviour. They know this because most abusers were first victims of abuse themselves. Because they were abused, an abusive environment is what they see as “normal.” It takes behavioural therapy and hard work but they can change.

Yes, they do. Sometimes they get worse.

I harboured hopes that my ex might have learnt his lesson with the woman he married less than 2 years after I left him. He subjected her and her dd to far worse.

And no, cluster b's do not 'mostly harm themselves'. Except arguably the borderlines. Cluster b are your psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists.

It is possible for them to change though many don’t. It’s complex, depends on the factors that contributed to their behaviour in the first place and whether enough protective factors can be utilised eg lower stress, less drinking, greater insight etc. Many remain assholes their whole adult lives.

Yes in certain circumstances I think so, but only after accepting the damage they have done and attending the correct counselling/therapy. But this is also, in my life experience, very rare.

I think it’s possible but unlikely for most. They would have to understand what impact they’ve had, address that behaviour and reform, all while accepting their victims may never forgive them - and would most likely need professional help to do this.

I think many of them would either a) not recognise their behaviour is abusive (it’s not my fault, I was provoked etc) or b) recognise the abuse but feel such great shame they are unable to tackle it head on and are therefore unable to work through it, learn or evolve. Just burying their head in the sand and repressing any feelings of shame.

Part of my job is reviewing records of men such as these. I see records going back decades. They will almost always continue their abuse, moving on from one woman to another leaving devastation in their wake. The abuse sometimes changes form so they may stop physically abusing but move on to her kids with over discipline or coercive behaviour of another partner.
Abuse of their own mothers is also a factor. They don't really change and the behaviour often starts quite young, from adolescence onwards, it's often partly to do with addiction but not caused by this, if they beat the addiction then that can help them stop but not often.

“Part of my job is reviewing records of men such as these.”

Corna, with the greatest respect, would you even see the records of men/women who are not repeat offenders? In other words, are the records you review only those that keep offending? If so your perspective is whatever % do not change rather than all abusers.

Won't be a popular view on MN but yes I believe they can, possibly not in the same relationship but I don't think they will always abuse every woman they get with.

I agree that some abusers can change but I dont think I could risk hanging around to find out. My radar for such things is to run and not return. I started seeing a man many years ago after an emotionally abusive relationship and found out from his ex that he had hit her after a drunken night out. I quite liked him but couldn't bring myself to ecen speak to him so I ghosted him.
His true colours came out two weeks later when he left threatening messages on my answer machine....what a catch. I made friends with his ex and thanked her for the warning.

I really really hope they can. I pass my abusive ex's new partners mother every day on the way to work and cannot look her in the eye. I have to look past her. She doesn't even know who I am! I pray he doesnt treat her daughter how he treated me I would feel so guilty for not speaking out (literally I've prayed before for her to be kept safe).