To ask DC father to stick to routine

[mummybumbum]

Hello,

Me and DC father have been separated since DC was 3 months. Many issues involving violent behaviours shown in my home (with his cousin), heavy cannabis use, being passive aggressive and going 'silent' when unhappy with something and sulking upstairs in the bedroom for days.

When the relationship broke down and we were trying to make arrangements for contact things got out of hand when we could not agree, he ended up turning up to the front of my house and waiting there for hours, or turning up knocking at my parent's house. I ended up calling the police and going to court for harassment, however he was not held to be guilty.

He is issuing proceedings against me now for 50/50 contact and contact has steadily increased from two hours every fortnight in contact centre to overnight Saturday every other weekend. He has also failed drug tests for cannabis. He will not speak to me to even say hello when we do handovers and communication happens only via communication book. He refuses to cooperate with me on any level or stick to DC routine.

I have a firm routine in place for DC 22 months, naps, meal times ect, bedtime routine involving bath and then bed. However many times I ask via communication book that routine is followed, he ignores it and says that in his household DC is to bath in the morning and actually critizes me (via communication book) for not washing DC in the morning saying that DC looks dirty.

AIBU for pushing this issue about routine at our final hearing in court? I think I am being reasonable

In an ideal world baby will have the same routine in both households however your ex is correct when baby is with him he can set his own routine for him

You think you are being reasonable, yet when your ex tries to get you to stick to his routine of bath in the morning he is unreasonable? Why can you do it and not him? You don’t want him dictating to you how you behave with your children in your house, you cannot dictate how he behaves in his.

I imagine he couldn't give a toss about what his routine is he just wants to get one over on you.

I would leave it because you'll never win this one. Once a fortnight break in his routine won't do him any harm and he's coming to an age where it's less important anyway (in my opinion)

If you show him it's something you feel strongly about he'll push against it. I'd just let it go. Well done for standing up to him and for leaving, it really sounds like you did the right thing.

YABU. Maybe his routine is better

Also, having thought about it, although nominally my children have had the same routine for bath / bed etc, that could easily be changed once a fortnight at home just because we were doing something / a bit late etc. Once a fortnight will make no odds.

He sounds a nightmare, but I wouldn't pick bath time as my line in the sand. Pick your battles.

Sorry to say yabu. You can't dictate what he does when he has your child. It's hard, I know that from experience. You just have to let it go.

Court won't make him follow your routine as bathing in the morning still ensures that the child is clean and having different routines at different places is acceptable. Eg nursery might have a different nap time compared to home

As he's clearly trying to piss you off and be contrary I wonder if he'd start bathing at night if you told him you were going to bathe child in the morning 😈

I think the routine is the least of your worries, there's no way I'd be handing my child over for unsupervised visits to someone who is a drug user with violent tendencies. Or have you been ordered to by the courts? Even so I would fight it.
I'm surprised social work would even allow it, if he's as bad as you say.

@Overthinker1988

I have been ordered by the courts... initially started in contact centre but he appealed this and after CAFCAS got involved contact progressed to unsupervised...

He is now pushing for 50/50

YANBU to be privately annoyed that he’s not working with you when it comes to your DC, especially given the overall pattern of behaviour.

And YANBU unreasonable to keep a record of this as a time wheee you have tried to discuss DC’s routine and care, and he has refused to engage (in case it crops up regularly and over more important issues in the future)

But YABU to focus on small things like the time of a bath or ex choosing to have a different routine at his home for DC. You won’t win that argument in court, and it’s not harmful for children to have different routines at each home, as long as the home is safe and caring. So maybe just note it - but for court the most attention it should get is something like ‘I’ve tried to work with Ex on consistency of care for DS but this hasn’t been reciprocated’ or something like that. And focusing on any serious issues about DS being safe!

About DS being safe, this is a massive concern for me and I fear that he is smoking cannabis whilst DS is in his care. He claimed that he did not smoke cannabis yet his drug test came back positive. However he has provided an 'undertaking' he will not smoke or drink 24 hours prior to having DS. DS comes back to me smelling very strongly of aftershave which leads me to believe he is using it to cover the smell.

You won’t win this, because there is no right or wrong time for a bath. You will also look too rigid. Keep the. Interactions as cool as possible. Keep the battles for stuff that matters.

home (with his cousin), heavy cannabis use, being passive aggressive and going 'silent' when unhappy with something and sulking upstairs in the bedroom for days

Did he do all this before? Because it always amazes me how people will have children with someone knowing all that and then be surprised and require sympathy from everyone when they act the same way as a parent. Yes I know I'm probably being unfair but I always think it when I see threads like this sorry.

This is not the line in the sand to draw, it causes conflict and makes you look controlling. If he is going to have DC 50% of the time you need to let him develop his own routine (or lack of one). Children are great at adapting. Focus on DC being safe, not this.

Have you brought up these safety concerns with social services? I don't have much experience in this area to be fair, but I'd be very shocked if they allow unsupervised contact to continue. Surely they have to at least suspend it while they investigate?

@Overthinker1988

I have brought it up and his solicitor has argued back saying that even if a further drug test came back positive it will not prove that he has smoked cannabis within 24 hours prior to seeing DC or whilst caring for DC.

Get a better solicitor. I can’t believe he is testing positive for drugs and still being allowed contact.

Let the bath time pass. You really have got a bigger battle on your hands with him taking drugs and going for 50/50

Change solicitor!

I agree, get proper, professional advice on this, not just from Mumsnet. Drugs, a short temper and young children don't mix well.

Definitely get better legal representation!

And concentrate on the violence and the drugs and not the routine. The routine doesn’t matter.