Is this fair? (Clash with DP)

[paerol]

So...
DP and I have a toddler and a baby in the household.

DP is a very outdoorsy and social person, so when DD was born 5 months ago, he'd still be spending a good few evenings a week at his friends houses/going for a drink after work.
Since lockdown (now we've had exercise time limit restrictions lifted (we're in the CI)), he says it's 'good for his mental state' to be out for a few hours running and stuff.

That's fine by me. But it's not fine by me when it's not equal.

I'm not outdoorsy or social by any means, but for my mental state, I find it important to have time alone indoors. Napping, baths, writing etc, just peace without two crazy babies.
And I don't even necessarily want him to bring them out, just having things completely under control by himself without me having to get up every 2 minutes to do something.

Anyway, he's brought them out once for less than an hour in the month lockdown now. He'd never brought them out in the few months before that since DD was born.

I keep mentioning that I should get equal in stuff like that and there should be a mutual thing of making sure we both mentally get what we need and now he's saying if I want time then to go and take it (go out) otherwise he'll keep taking his and I can't expect him to be leaving the house with the kids when I want time (I don't need time often!).

I just feel like I'm always the one doing more. DP is good but I mainly have to ask him to do stuff, he won't take initiative.
I do the evenings when DD is unsettled, I do the night bottles, I'll get up in the mornings when they get up.

AIBU here? Is he right? Should I not expect them to bring him out or take charge to give me time? Should I have to be going out?

I think everyone is just getting stressed in these current circumstances but I feel a bit worn thin, especially when the baby and toddler are both a bit difficult right now and I'm left for a few hours every day to deal with it while he goes out and then don't have a mutual thing of him taking them off my hands when he gets home.

Yes your DP should be helping more. Just because you don’t want to go out, doesn’t mean that your needs are any less valid. My DH will always give me a break from DD, even if that means that I get to go and sit in another room and read for an hour with a coffee. DH doesn’t necessarily take DD out but he will sit and play with her/do lunch/bath time or whatever.

I’m currently a SAHM whilst DH is still working (key worker for emergency services). He is working crazy hours at the moment but still gives me time to myself. Being a SAHM is a full time job and it’s not always roses despite what some people think. Parenting is a two-person job and you should both be parenting and both getting time to yourselves for a bit of a mental/physical break. Otherwise it’s not sustainable.

Maybe have a chat with him about splitting the parenting? He gets to go out and do his run for a couple of hours, but then he gets back, you then get a couple of hours to spend as you choose.

What does bring him out mean?

Say to DP "I dont want to go out thanks, but I do need some time to myself. I am going for a bath/nap/read in the bedroom. Tell the kids I am out. Will be back in 2 hours"

I dont think you can expect him to take them out every time, but you can definitely expect some time off in the house if that is your preference.

Say to DP "I don't want to go out thanks, but I do need some time to myself. I am going for a bath/nap/read in the bedroom. Tell the kids I am out. Will be back in 2 hours"

Exactly this.

He’s being selfish and obnoxious and i would be very hurt by his attitude

Horrible man, with a very selfish attitude.

Tell him he needs to not disturb you. Lock your bedroom door (order a lock if you don't have one) tell him to tell the toddler you've gone out of theure looking for you and DONT respond if he calls you. He'll soon get you mean business. That's what I did. Of course you shouldn't have to, but looks like the only way to get the time you deserve.

I agree it needs to be equal but I think it’s very unfair if you’re saying he has to take them out the house so you can have alone time.

You need to leave the house like he does. Nit tell him to leave and take the kids with him.

No, it isn’t fair for you to have no free time. If he understands that he needs some free time for his mental state, he can understand that you do too. It’s not rocket science!

Also, from your op it looks like the baby is bottle fed, so why isn’t he doing any nights or early mornings? That would help your mental state too!

I agree that time off should be equal for you both.
He chooses to spend his time outside.
You can go outside or stay home for your time.

But it is not fair to demand that you have the house to yourself for your time and that he must take the kids outside. It’s much harder to manage children outside the house than in it. You just need to trust him to get on with caring for them if you are having your time by reading or napping.

It is also not fair for him to demand that you must use your time outside either.

If I read correctly you’re not saying you want him to take them out every time - just sometimes maybe? - but just want to be alone at times in the house with him being completely in charge of the kids? Presumably though the kids go out with you some times so he can certain take over the odd walk.

Of course YANBU. Everyone needs a bit of headspace.

I think you need a schedule. The children presumably need a walk every day. Why wouldn't your husband take them, say, half the time? That would automatically give you a bit of time home alone. My husband has always taken our children out for walks, to give me a break, since they were born.

Mumsnet is jam packed full of threads like this at the moment. A lot of people are realising how lazy and selfish their partners are. This needs a proper sit down conversation. Your kids should be getting out every day, and he should be doing at least half of those. You should also take the opportunity to go out for a ling walk alone - purely so he can see how much work small children are.

I think its reasonable for you to want to have time to yourself. It's unreasonable to expect him to go out with the children in order to facilitate it. Think about it, how would you feel if he demanded you took the children out every time he wanted to go out for a run etc?

Just plan in some time to do whatever it is you want to do, and arrange with your DH that he looks after the children for that period, just as he presumably does when he goes out for his run etc.