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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to go back to normal

10 replies

Jourdain11 · 02/05/2020 21:44

I'm completely aware that I'm probably being unreasonable! I was feeling ill a few weeks before the schools closures and lockdown and was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia 2 weeks later. Since then I've been straight into treatment (they couldn't delay it, even for corona!) and my DC have gone to stay with their grandparents in the SW as we were worried about who would look after them if DH got the virus while I was in treatment. I have had wonderful medical care, I have a lovely and supportive DH, my PIL are putting themselves out over and above what I could have asked to look after my kids but...

I just want to rewind and go back a few months! I feel like I didn't appreciate all I had - normality, my family, my health. I was constantly stressing about work and complaining about stupid things. I feel like such a bad person - that I wasted all the good times and they'll never come again.

I just wish things could be how they were. And I know we're in the middle of a global crisis so I shouldn't be feeling like this. But I do!

OP posts:
Jourdain11 · 03/05/2020 14:02

Sorry, this was madly self-pitying...!

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 03/05/2020 14:06

Sorry no one responded op, I'm sorry for what you are going through Flowers you are not alone in wishing you could go back, I honestly don't know how much more I can take of this. I honestly will never complain about things like the school run again. Just want things to go back to normal.

Sparklesocks · 03/05/2020 14:08

It sounds really hard Flowers you’re not a bad person and the good times will come again. We often take the little things for granted, it’s human nature. I hope your treatment continues to go well 💗

Jourdain11 · 03/05/2020 14:08

Exactly! I just think of how much time I spent complaining about the school pick-up, disaster disaster because After-School Club has been cancelled, deadlines for work.... and I just wish I could go back and appreciate all that I had.

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 03/05/2020 14:12

We don't live that close to the school and I was use to complain about the walk and now I miss it. It's funny what we take for granted , I just want to hide in some kind of time capsule till this is over.

Poptart4 · 03/05/2020 14:12

Of course YANBU 💕 This whole thing has been hard for alot of people and from the sounds of it you have had it harder than most.

It's ok to have down moments, just remember things will go back to normal. It might take awhile but we will get there. Keep your head up xx

Traviis · 03/05/2020 14:12

It's just not the nature of humans to do that OP.

recycledteenager24 · 03/05/2020 14:15

hope things work out for the better soon for you op Flowers

user1635482648 · 03/05/2020 15:05

Yes, but the things you complained about were at the time significant to you. Complaining serves a purpose - it brings comfort, connection with others, help/support from others, and acts as a release valve.

If you had been walking round all the time thinking, "oh my god I might get leukaemia and my whole world might be turned on its head, I must be happy and grateful all the time" I don't actually think you would have been feeling any better! More like terribly unsafe and too petrified to enjoy anything.

You have a point to a degree - in the sense that it is useful for us to be a bit more aware in the present of the small good things, to notice those when we can and appreciate them, because that can make us feel more positive. But that doesn't mean we can't have feelings about the small bad things (or the bad things that are massive in the context of our life at the time!). You're not a robot!

Is beating yourself up for being a "bad person" helping you feel any better? Having work stress and complaining about things didn't give you leukaemia. You didn't bring this on yourself by being insufficiently grateful. Does blaming yourself make you feel more in control? If so, are there other things you could take some control of instead?

I imagine some of this is shock and grief for what you've lost and fear of what lies ahead. You're trying to feel safe again, and blaming yourself makes you feel a bit safer (if it's your fault, you have control and can protect yourself from anything worse). But it's also making you feel shit and miserable.

So being a bit kinder to yourself as you pass through this stage will probably make things feel more bearable. (When others are kind to us it eases our suffering and the same applies when we are kind to ourselves).

If you can't even have compassion (which as far as I can tell has the same meaning as "pity" just without the judgemental connotations we load it with) for yourself what hope is there.

What's happening to you is shit, you're allowed to have feelings about it. Just like you were allowed to have feelings about your work stresses.

It sounds like you're having good treatment. If feeling hopeful is too scary right now that's ok (feeling pessimistic can be a bit protective in tough times). Just please try to be nice to yourself instead of beating yourself up. You deserve kindness.

Mammyloveswine · 03/05/2020 15:11

Ah I couldn't read and run! I hope you're doing ok, please be very kind to yourself! You are going through an incredibly tough time without a bloody global pandemic being added to the mix!

God I'm the biggest moaning Minnie ever but that's normal, it's human nature! So don't beat yourself up over it!

Sending Thanks to you xx

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