To be peeved at parents for buying my unborn child a weapon?

[MrsBumblebee]

My parents have just bought a catapult for my first child (a boy, due any day now). It's a lovely piece of work - old-fashioned, beautifully carved wood - but also fully functional and looks like it packs quite a punch. I know their thinking - they just see it as a lovely, traditional, 'boyish' toy (they've already got a granddaughter and can't wait to have a grandson).

I'm a bit peeved about it, mainly because I'm keen to avoid too much gender stereotyping (which they know very well), and although I'm well aware that lots of boys grow up liking guns etc whatever you do, I think buying him a weapon before he's even born is akin to saying that that's the kind of boy they want him to be.

I haven't said anything to them, just smiled through gritted teeth, but it annoys me slightly that unless they forget they've ever bought it for him over the next few years (which is of course entirely possible), it will now be difficult for me not to give it to him because it's a present.

What do you think??

since he's not yet born, it wil be at least 4 years before he would be able to play with it anyway and a lot can happen in 4 years....

Put it in the loft until then and then maybe "forget" that it was there and , if they ask you in 4 years time, you can keep looking for it...

Your children - your decisions. I have thrown away brand new such things that MIL has bought for my DSs

Depends on how confrontational you want to be. You could stick it in the loft, and hope they forget - if they remember then you can decide if ds can have it.

Or, you can give it away'sell it on eBay and buy something nice. (if Ebay will let you sell it of course).

Or you can return it and explain you will be raisong ds in a non-violent way and that you don't want him to have such toys.

I suspect if ever he played with it he would end up getting an ASBO if not worse.

FWIW dd1 got a Bratz doll from stepmil when she was 3 and I had no hesitation in getting rid, present though it may have been.

Welcome to the world of presents from the grandparents! They're usually either way too expensive and excessive and totally outshine yours and clutter up the house, or they're age-inappropriate, or like this they totally mess with your nice modern non-gender-steering plans.

It would piss me off too, but get used to it because there are going to be a load more presents you don't like from all and sundry. If I were you I'd keep it until he's old enough to handle it (about 3 or 4 probably) and show him how to use it as a game with a target, eg you could make a paper target and fire plasticine balls at it etc - or stand a can on a wall and try to hit it off. make it clear it's for that game and never to fire at people or animals - and if he does, take it away. It's all a long time in the future I know, but at least you can put it away and stop worrying about it. If they ask where it is, say it's so well made and nice you're saving it till he's older and can appreciate it.

Alternatively yuo could give it him once he's born.All he will do is chew it and suck it, so by the time he is old eneough to actaully use it it'll be wrecked. You're happy cos he never used it properly, gps happy cos he had it

YABU

They are probably really excited at the upcoming arrival of their grandchild and wanted to buy them a present that wasn't practical, but something they wished a grandchild would have.

Not to your taste and also for a little way off in the future, but they probably saw it and liked it. DOn't put too much into it. It probably wasn't part of a long scheme, or anymore than, 'that's really nice, lets get it for the baby'.

GIve them a break, for goodness sake. They're only getting excited over the arrival of your baby. This is a good thing.

Plus he's gonna be your kid, your gonna have much more influence over him than they will.

I think I would have felt EXACTLY the same as you MrsB.

Five years down the line though, I would be looking at my ds and thinking "oh, god, where's that nice inocuous catapult, if only I could find it I could try to stop him playing with that sword/lightsabre/nuclear missile launcher"

For a gentle, sensitive boy brought up by lentil weaving hippy pacifist types, with ladybird books and Beatrix Potter books his standard fayre, he has amazed me with the extent of his interest in basically, er killing things and anything that looks like an implement of violence

It's gps trying to relive their own childhoods I guess. He won't play with it for years so it can conveniently be lost. And a quiet word (non-confrontational) in a year or so, telling them that you don't really like little boys playing with weapons etc. No need to make it a big production. It's your baby and your choice.

Have to just say that we did start off with the same attitude as yours (and a perfectly logical attitude it is too ) but it slipped very very soon . DS#1 now has a box of plastic and wooden weapons and does karate. But he is a peaceable sweet little soul...honest!

I'd think it was very odd as your boy won't be able to play with it for years.

STick it up somewhere as an ornament or tell your child it's for pushing cars along or an old-fashioned nose-picker. He'll never know.

Thanks for your posts, guys - very interesting to hear your views.

I should say, I'm not a total dyed in the wool pacifist, and if DS ends up wanting to play with catapults then so be it. I think I was more peeved by the implication that this is what little boys either should or definitely would end up playing with. Also because I suspect there was an element of deliberate 'how do we cancel out their woolly Guardian-reading tendencies and make sure this child grows up to be a proper boy' in the choice of gift. I think the nail in the coffin was to make a throwaway comment that I would't give a toss whether my son grew up to be gay or straight . They're now convinced I'm going to dress him in pink and force him to play with Barbies.

Honoria, LOL at your experience. Mine will probably turn out to be exactly the same!!

Armadillo, yes, I know I'm being a little bit ungrateful. And I know they're going to be wonderful GPs to him, and that I should thank my lucky stars for that!

Nice! I would teach him to use it as soon as possible, then let him loose in their house with the catapault and a pile of marbles. You will find that it soon disappears.

LOL yes dress him in pink too!

An odd gift for a baby IMO.
Mount it on the wall in his room, and leave it there until he leaves home.
Maybe get it framed as it is such a special gift?

Also think you are being slightly unreasonable. They are showing an interest in your child and getting excited at the prospect of having a grandson. You are lucky to have family who care - many don't.

Also bear in mind that they are of a different generation etc etc. You will be a grandmother/MIL one day and probably wont get it 'right' either although your intentions will probably always be genuine

Also bear in mind that your son will probably make his own mind up re: toys when he is older and will go with peer pressure rather then anything you try to steer him towards.

Anyway, who says catapualts are just for boys, my daughters love them.

It sounds like a beautiful gift. Treasure it and thank them.

Thank your lucky stars it's not a piece of crap which is what I get from my in-laws.

• white plastic crucifix wall ornament (which my DH put up so as not to offend them) with little girl praying at foot

• hideous pink plastic photo frame with 'My Little Princess' on it

• tarty sleeveless dresses...

They never ask what we need. Your parents sound very caring, cut them some slack. You may well appreciate their input more once the baby is born. Maybe you could ask them to do some practical things for you to make them feel involved? Like making some meals for the freezer?

My favourite was when my DD was a month old and my MIL simpered 'What can we do to help, dear?' So I said 'Actually we could really do with a good hot meal, could you cook something?'

They left soon after and we never saw them again for a month!

Good point, chocchip, at least my parents certainly have good taste in weapons .

Davina, I agree catapults aren't just for boys - I'd have LOVED one when I was a kid. In a way that's my point, though - they're buying it for him just because he's a boy, not because he's a boy who likes playing with catapults, IYSWIM.

ILs gave ds when he was aged 2, a Robin Hood outfit complete with fully working longbow and arrows !

Nevertheless they are fantastic grandparents (ds is on holiday with them now)and sometimes they buy great gifts and sometimes they are really wide of the mark but they are never boring lol! Just trying to steer MIL away from trying to be an 'uptotheminute' grandma and buy dd 'fashion'.

I think it is a bit upsetting that they are just buying something they want to give rather than something ds might like or need.

Odd, but given the time delay, nothing to worry about. Of course, when the time comes, I completely second the idea of letting him play with it at their house!!

Hi (hope this doesnt appear twice cos screen went blank last time!!)

I'm with Davina, I think it's a great gift. 2 of my girls are now grown-up and I've never allowed guns and knives and swords etc as toys but an old-fashioned catapult sounds great. In fact, I want one and am off to fashion some ink-soaked pellets to use with it.

What a cool gift. At least it's not 'talking plastic' which is all anyone seems to buy dd.
I understand you not wanting to gender stereotype him, but surely that just means allowing him toys from both traditional gender roles? If the grandparents are getting him catapults then you get him a Barbie Goes To Prom and you've got all bases covered - he'll be free to grow up wherever on the spectrum he feels most comfortable.

I made my DD a catapult from a forked stick and a rubber band.

And bought her bow and (sucker tipped) arrows.

She bought Roman sword, and knights helmet and shield with her own birthday money (eschewing pointy hat with veil which is Royal armouries 'girl' offering).

so why is this gift stereotyping

But beansprout, isn't that one of the exciting aspects to buying gifts? My nephew didn't need a set of knitted fruit and veg rattles priced £16.99 from Urchin (knitted in Peru by Monks or somesuch) but I LOVED buying them for him and go into squeals of delight everytime he picks one up.

My sister on the other hand probably rolled her eyes up to the heavens and wished I had brought something more practical (boo-hiss)