Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral Covid Worries

30 replies

fib88 · 01/05/2020 14:43

Okay so here is my dilemma my partner’s mother (aged 93) passed away last week. She didn’t die from coronavirus, just old age

Her funeral is being held 370 miles away from our home and approx a 5hr journey each way. It will be a short service and my husband insists on carrying her coffin into the Crematoruim along with a brothers and 2 funeral pallbearers.

I have a condition that puts me on the vulnerable list for Covid-19 and have been isolating separately in my house from my partner and son. On top of this I have been suffering from tonsillitis and in antibiotics past week.

My husband expects me to travel in the same car as him and not to wear a face mask at the service (as I would be embarrassing him, and making it all about me) he even told me that his mother didn’t even like me!

I rang the funeral director to check my facts and yes he could apparently wheel the coffin on a trolley with his brother and 2 funeral pallbearers if they agree (I feel these pallbearers could potentially could come in to contact with coronavirus bodies on a daily basis). I don’t know what to do for the best as I will have to share a five hour journey back home with a partner who could’ve been infected. If I don’t go I will never ever be forgiven I feel dammed if I do dammed if I don’t

My husband is the type of person who will hold this grudge against me forever and it could potentially split us up. Every time I try to mention it he goes mad and told “I’m making it all about me it’s his mothers funeral after all“!

I have said I will go in my own car to which again I’m told I’m “causing problems and making it all about me“.

I really want to be supportive and I appreciate he will be upset as it’s his mother after all. Incidentally, I will be expected to drive each way because I hate his driving after he nearly killed us both. I won't even be able to pee for 10 hrs ...could please do with some advice am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Leaannb · 01/05/2020 14:49

Ummm notseeing the problem with this splotting you up. You would be well rid of the twat. You aren't being unreasonable. Stay home and let him drive the 3 hours

Doingtheboxerbeat · 01/05/2020 14:51

Ordinarily I would pass on my condolences to your DP, but I can't bring myself to do so for some inexplicable reason. I don't know if risking the end of the relationship is the worst outcome, but you seriously need to look after yourself, because it seems no one else will. Flowers for you OP.

LividLaughLovely · 01/05/2020 14:57

Yeah you need to use the time he’s at the funeral to leave him, unless this is massively out of character.

4cats2kids · 01/05/2020 14:57

Don’t put yourself at risk for such a dick.

Don’t let him guilt you into going.

If she didn’t like you, why go? I wouldn’t put myself out to go to the funeral of someone who didn’t even like me.

GabriellaMontez · 01/05/2020 14:59

How would splitting up be a bad thing?

Ilovechinese · 01/05/2020 14:59

Just say you're not going. Why go to pay your respects to someone who he has said "didn't even like you" tell him to go on his own.

Original poster
fib88 · 01/05/2020 15:07

Yes, he has completely guilt tripped me as he keeps saying “I carried your damned mothers coffin, let me carry mine” (funeral director was let down by a bearer, and husband stepped in) He’s a really angry person and looking for reasons to blame me!!! I know he’s being unreasonable but also know I’ll pay for it long term. The whole thing is stressing me out tbh

OP posts:
ButtWormHole · 01/05/2020 15:08

No one except your dick of a husband is judging you for not going. The cow didn’t even like you. Don’t go.

If it splits you then good riddance

GabriellaMontez · 01/05/2020 15:10

Ok let him carry the coffin.

But dont go.

Original poster
fib88 · 01/05/2020 15:20

I’ve told him this and hasn’t spoken to me since ... I know he’s grieving, and sadly it’s all being directed at me.

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 01/05/2020 15:32

He is going to make it your fault regardless.stay at home.

Fairyliz · 01/05/2020 15:59

Use this as the final reason to split up with him. He sounds a dick what do you get out of the relationship?

VeryQuaintIrene · 01/05/2020 19:52

Can you get a Zoom link so that you can stay safe at home but participate and he can go and take care of his mother? My mum died on Monday and my funeral director says that restrictions are so strict that he has strongly encouraged us all to stay home (I am in the US anyway and travel is hard plus all my mum's friends are octogenarians and need to stay safe) and be on a video link instead. If he says no to this, he's being unreasonable and unkind.

Darbs76 · 01/05/2020 19:57

You need to leave this fool. Sorry I know he’s grieving but can’t see a single positive thing about him. If his mother didn’t even like you then I certainly wouldn’t go

Porcupineinwaiting · 01/05/2020 19:58

Ok if your husband catches coronavirus at the funeral, he's not going to infect you in the car as he won't be infectious yet. That will come several days later.

If he goes to the funeral (and of course he's going to go) he could get infected and bring the virus home. Whether you are at the funeral too, or wear a mask, or he Carrie's the coffin or not, that risk isn't going to change and that's the risk you need to manage.

mostlydrinkstea · 01/05/2020 20:00

Round here the family are not allowed to,carry or touch the coffin and funerals are short. No singing and 10 mourners only. Also,funerals are taking 4-5 weeks to arrange so what your husband wants and what he can have could be overtaken by events.

Given your health condition it is not unreasonable for you to watch on the video link from the comfort of your home and he can go to the crem.

Sounds really grim.

TheSmelliestHouse · 01/05/2020 20:04

I really would not go. Splitting up won't kill you. Covid could.

user1635482648 · 01/05/2020 20:06

I feel these pallbearers could potentially could come in to contact with coronavirus bodies on a daily basis

They don't handle the bodies?

IncrediblySadToo · 01/05/2020 20:14

Honestly, he sounds horrible.
When my Dad died I was incredibly angry at the world (it was sudden, in his early 60's) and I had a very short fuse, but I didn't treat/speak to anyone like he's treating/speaking to you.

I honestly think you shouldn't go and you should work out *how' to leave him, not 'if'

He clearly doesn't care about you. Arse!!

IncrediblySadToo · 01/05/2020 20:16

Oh & he can stay away & isolate 300 miles away.

ememem84 · 01/05/2020 20:31

Either way there’s a risk and either way it’ll be your fault whether you go or not.

Don’t go. Leave him.

MumW · 01/05/2020 21:06

he can stay away & isolate 300 miles away.
^This

Your relationship doesn't sound the slightest bit healthy. He sounds abusive. Get in touch with Women's Aid and leave.

Griselda1 · 02/05/2020 00:06

I voted yabu in error .Poor you, what a situation for your idiot of a husband to put you in.If you're shielding just don't go.It's a very long drive by yourself and I'd be worried about a breakdown, most of our cars have barely been driven in 6 weeks.

mrsBtheparker · 02/05/2020 00:11

My husband died at the start of the lockdown, not related to Covid, we had to have a very small funeral, 7 of us, but the funeral directors did say that we were not allowed to touch the coffin so your partner may not be able to do so. As for tralevelling it depends on how close you were really.

MrsP2015 · 02/05/2020 00:15

Don't go.
Your dh is not thinking straight although what he's said to you is awful and I in no way condone his words to you.
He isn't thinking about your health so you need to.

Have you kids?
If this will split your relationship I'd allow it to as there's probably cracks anyway.

If possible maybe talk to your GP/ health professional and explain the situation and ask 'would I be taking a risk?' We all know you'll be told yes but telling dh you've been told not to go might make him back off and you feel a bit stronger.
Don't ask the gp 'should I go/ can I go' as they will say ultimately it's your choice. You need to ask are you taking a risk.

Seriously it's not worth risking going- even if it was 10 mins in the car. You'd be in an enclosed area where dozens of people have mixed, may not be disinfected after every service etc.