18mo tantrums - what's normal and how to handle?

[pandarific]

I have a just under 18mo who is very hard work at the moment. For example from getting up this morning he screamed and cried;

When he had to take his pyjama top off
When breakfast wasn't instantly ready
When he finished his breakfast and there wasn't instantly more
When we went upstairs to change his nappy
When he couldn't dig his whole fist in the nappy cream
When I took off his wet top and put on another (he dropped water on himself)
When I wouldn't let him watch any more tv
When I helped him put on his shoe
When I put him in the buggy (didn't want to)
And on and on and on.

He is independent and wants to do everything himself, he's bright and has about 20 words I'd say and understands a huge amount, but oh my god he's hard work at the moment. Supposedly it's age 2 when they are tantrumming nightmares, is mine just in this phase earlier? Does it ramp down when they can talk properly?

I am always very careful to tell him what is happening before we do it, ask him to do things himself, praise him for doing things etc, making sure I'm communicating with him well, but arrgh.

Any books I could read, in terms of starting as we mean to go on? I liked 'The book you wish your parents had read' a lot but it's mostly for older children and I think I need a consistent, calm strategy so we've got clear boundaries - I hate the screaming and have found myself screeching back at him (DC. STOP. SCREAMING ) a few times recently, which is completely not what I want to be doing!

I have a bit of a deep rooted fear of raising a kid like my sister, who was a tantrumming nightmare all the way up until adulthood, she only ever had to scream her lungs out (and she did) and she got her way, so this stage is freaking me out a bit though I know it's more than likely developmental in reality. I'd feel better with some clear guidance on how to enforce reasonable boundaries so he grows up well. Any good books I should read?

Just to say - I don't expect to be able to parent him out of tantrumming or anything, I understand it's just a phase.

It's more for a) my own reassurance that I'm doing the right thing and handling the demands right and b) some guidance on how to handle when he's doing something actually naughty - eg biting someone, throwing things on the floor when frustrated.

Anyone? I do also have a fear that it's NOT normal to be screaming every ten minutes and that it means there's something wrong.

Oh I remember this stage. It's hard as they just can't communicate. We tended to just sit them out. Try to verbalise what you think they're feeling (I know, you wanted to put your hand in the nappy cream) and empathise (you feel really frustrated) then just make sure they're safe and then keep offering cuddles when they've finished. For us it was about holding the limit (no hand in cream) but allowing the feelings. Probably sounds a bit woo! Doesn't stop the tantrums but helps you stay cam through them.
Toddler Calm is quite a good book and I think the aha parenting site has good bits on this.
Best thing I read was that all behaviour is communication - they can't tell you how they feel at this age and to be honest they don't know - tantrums are the only way to show it. By letting it pass (I appreciate this isn't always possible l, sometimes you just need to get shoes on and get out) you're not giving in - they're still not getting what they want!

Have you done any sign language with him? I think it's a frustrating time when they understand and want to communicate a lot more than they're able. I've been doing baby signing with toddler DD for a while and it's helpful for her to be able to tell me things she wants when she doesn't have the words yet. It does sound within the realms of normal though for toddlerhood!

It’s normal. My DD is 16mo and loves a tantrum. My perception is that she is quite bright and very much aware of what she wants and is extremely frustrated that she can’t yet use her words to tell me. This morning she wanted her water bottle because her brothers had theirs, so she ran to the kitchen door and started shrieking and pounding on it. It passes once they can communicate better. I think you just have to stay calm, let them rage, make it clear that you’re there for them when they’re ready to calm down and have a cuddle, and then carry on with the day.

I had this mostly with my first born, she was highly intelligent and highly independent, it boils down to frustration and not being able to verbalise it, don't worry it will pass. The more you fuss fret the worse it can be for you both, let it burn out and be there for the cuddles when it subsides. All the very best.

Thank you, hearing it's normal is very reassuring - I really hate being screeched at, find it difficult to not slip into toddler mode myself.

I'll check out that book, it sounds good!