To feel guilty about my illness?

[Lailaloo747]

I suffer with a epi-gastric disorder that quite frequently leaves me in a LOT of pain. The pain can come on out of the blue and either build up slowly over days or over the space of an hour or so, make me pass out/vomit because the pain is so bad. I have had various procedures to try and help but so far nothing has made much difference.
My mum is constantly worried about me. If she texts me and I don’t reply within 5/10 minutes she thinks I’ve : A. Passed out somewhere. B. Been taken in to hospital (again) or C. In too much pain to reply to her message. Then she’ll call my DD1 (who moved out a few years ago) to ask if she’s heard from me, which then makes DD panic if she hasn’t heard from me.
My younger DC have had a life of watching me in pain. Doubled over. Paramedics trying to find veins and watching my OH carrying me out to the car/ambulance to get to hospital.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty for the times my DC have seen me in pain. I feel guilty for the plans my OH has had to cancel because I’m ill. I feel guilty that my mum STILL has to worry about me (I’m mid 30’s now). I feel guilty that when I’m taken to hospital I’m filling a bed that someone else needs. I feel guilty that I’m snappy I’m tired when the pain starts.
I’ve been so anxious while we’ve been in lockdown because if the pain gets too bad for me to deal with at home and I get taken in to hospital, then I’m taking nurses/doctors/paramedics away from people that are dying of Covid-19. I risk bringing it home to my family.
I’m just a big guilty mess. I know I can’t control it but it just feels so unfair on my family to have to feel constantly worried about me 😔

I think I just needed to get that off my chest.

That sounds really unfair on you too, OP. You’re the one who has to live with being in pain. Why should you feel guilty about that?

Are you in touch with any organisations that support people with this kind of condition? Sometimes being in touch with people who get it can really help.

PS tell your mum you won’t be replying immediately and she needs to stop bothering your DD.

I imagine your partner would rather have you than any plans. Plans can be rearranged, or changed, there’s only one of you!

Lots to unpick here.

I think though, you need counselling to cope with your feelings. You should not be feeling guilt on this level - it's something out of your control, and you aren't responsible for your mother's behaviour.

After a bit of counselling, you can address with the counsellor how to broach this with your family about how it affects each of them. You can ask them to change their behaviour because it affects you (mum panicking etc).

You want some independence back - that is clear. Being kept so closely monitored by your mum isn't making you feel wanted, cared for or loved, it's making you feel like a burden - which you aren't!

You can get telephone counselling or even by Skype.

It’s easy for others to say tell your mum not to panic, but you have a serious condition so it’s not unrealistic. Any good mum would panic especially in this environment. What I might suggest is, during the pandemic, would it be feasible for your mum to live with you? She might panic less if she can actually see you (and she might be able to support you and OH with the kids when you get admitted).

not realistic!