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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that regret is difficult to overcome

17 replies

coffeeandwalnut19 · 01/05/2020 08:01

Hi
Some years ago I didn't do/act on something that I have now come to regret massively. I wont go into details but something similar would be the opportunity to join a lottery ticket syndicate, hesitating and before you've joined all the numbers have come up and you've missed out on a fortune. It doesn't have any legal issues or effect anyone else's lives apart from my own and possibly that of my family. My DP says I need to move on and not dwell on it. But AIBU to think that this is not that easy. I am full of anger at myself for what I didn't do and the consequences I now have to live with. Does anyone have any experience or advice in overcoming or dealing with regret for things that they didn't do in their lives?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 01/05/2020 08:40

That's very hard OP.
You have my sympathy.

This is about forgiveness.
Forgiving yourself for just one of those things that can happen in life.

fleapriest · 01/05/2020 08:43

I can really relate to this- 4 years ago now, made a decision that impacted me and the dc's and probably always will.

I've tried counselling twice, some days are easier than others. I get frustrated at people telling me to think positively as everything happens for a reason.

Hopefully time, will continue to take the edge off the sick feeling I get when I dwell on it too much

Original poster

coffeeandwalnut19 · 01/05/2020 08:54

Thank you both. @fleapriest I'm sorry to hear you've experienced similar. I have that sick feeling all the time. I have had counselling in the past to deal with a traumatic event but that was something that happened to me and which my action / non action played no part. In retrospect that was easier as it wasn't my fault / my decision. This totally is and I think that's why it's harder.

OP posts:

RLGGG · 01/05/2020 09:03

As a lifelong dweller, I know how cruel the mind can be, replaying things over and over in your head, taking over everything positive. I've tried a number of things over the years, am doing CBT at the moment and that seems to be helping :) sending lots of love and best wishes x

Seeleyboo · 01/05/2020 09:05

Some years ago I had a falling out with my mum and we drifted apart. After about 10 years of no contact I decided I wanted to get in touch and let her know I had a baby and wanted us to all meet up. That same day I got a phone call from my cousin to say my mum had just died. I had also done a pregnancy test that day that was positive and was excited to let her be one of the first to know. That day was also my wedding anniversary.

PrivateD00r · 01/05/2020 09:06

I am a big believer in 'things happen for a reason'. Had your life taken this path, it may have not been the wonderful thing you imagine.

Accept your life for what it is now, why waste time and energy on the 'could haves'?

userxx · 01/05/2020 09:08

@Seeleyboo Jesus, that' really tough.

corythatwas · 01/05/2020 09:11

I think RLGGG's suggestion of CBT is a good one.

What I have noticed is that some people are very prone to this. We spend the summer with my mum and she always ends every visit by sighing about the things we didn't get round to, while I'm like "Muuum, I want to think of the nice things we did do!"

I feel it must be possible to learn to control your mind to some extent to steer it away from unproductive thoughts.

As you yourself recognise going over your missed opportunity isn't likely to improve anything in your present life: in fact, it is quite likely to distract you from opportunities that are there now, decisions you ought to be making in the present.

CBT does teach that kind of mind-controlling technique. I'd look into it if I were you.

Thingsthatgo · 01/05/2020 09:12

I think that something like not buying a lottery ticket/joining a syndicate is not something to dwell on. You could not possibly know that the numbers would come up and the odds are stacked heavily against you. Most people would argue that it is more sensible to not waste your money.
However, there are other examples where I can see that it’d be more difficult to let go. A situation like, not turning up for a job interview which could have changed your life, or missing the deadline for apply to your children’s school. It all depends on the information you have at the time of making the decision to act (or not act).
It also depends on your state of mind at the time. I know people who keep making ‘bad decisions’ in their life, but are too mentally unwell to do anything else at the moment.

CHIRIBAYA · 01/05/2020 09:15

Yes, regret can be paralysing and very difficult to overcome. It is important to be able to express it, not bury it, with someone who will not judge you, otherwise it might ferment and become something much bigger in your emotional life. You might never be rid of the feeling completely but the anger can be replaced by something more manageable. Give yourself time.

Original poster

coffeeandwalnut19 · 01/05/2020 09:24

These replies are really helpful and @Seeleyboo my heart goes out to you. @Thingsthatgo you are spot on. My state of mind was not great and I didn't take the professional advice I should have at the time.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 01/05/2020 09:31

Story of my life OP. I feel your pain.
You do need to move forward though.

fleapriest · 01/05/2020 09:42

My mental health also wasn't great, dh had recently left me with three small children so I wasn't making rational decisions, I also didn't take advice.

It is some small comfort in some ways, that I wasn't in a great place. It helps me rationalise the decision I made. (Doesn't make it easier though)

If anything it's made me work harder for the future I do want for myself and the dc's - but I do have days when I just sob because I could and the dcs could have had an easier life.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/05/2020 09:44

CBT is very helpful.

I also think, and its a cliche, but time will deal with this naturally.

I did something I really regretted, about 10 years ago and stewed over it for year and years. And for no apparent reason at a certain point a switch flicked in my mind and I stopped worrying about it.

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/05/2020 09:52

If it's about money (like the lottery example), don't lose sleep over that. I lost a huge amount of money twice in life through actions I didn't take or what I did do- one decision has cost me about half a million pounds, but I don't get stressed about it, I just think of my small but nice house, my reasonably well paid stable job and feel thankful for that. Lots of people have lost inheritances, businesses go bust, they sell when they shouldn't and vice versa. So money things I think are often part luck anyway (e.g. if you bought a house 20 years ago in the UK).

If it is an emotional/person-related event, that's harder to forgive, but the thing I always think is- how much is spending energy on this now changing the situation? If you are pouring regret and thinking time into something that cannot be changed, it's literally a waste of your current time and life. Life is really precious, we only get one turn so it is a shame to waste it. That said, I have had time to mull over a few regrets during lockdown, lots of time on my hands, I just try to accept I will have those, and then hopefully my mind moves to something else. But don't beat yourself up for being human.

ConkerGame · 01/05/2020 10:00

OP I have a similar thing - about 6 years ago I rejected something which I thought was beneath me but turns out it was actually perfect for me and I went back and made the right decision about 2 years ago. So I’m actually on the same path I should have been on but with a 4 year delay. Doesn’t sound like much but those 4 years turned out to be pretty crucial for a number of reasons and I’ve missed out on a number of wonderful opportunities because of it. I often kick myself for it and complain to DH even though I know there’s no way of turning back the clock and having a re-do.

The main thing that’s helped me is that I know an elderly person who had a similar mindset and she literally let regret, anger and sadness fill her life and ruin it. She has recently passed and everyone agreed it was such a shame that she let a bad 4-5 years or so ruin the next 20 years of her life. Completely pointless! Makes me realise that yes I’ve had a worse last 6 years because of my bad decision but I’ve hopefully got another 50 odd years to go and I shouldn’t waste a minute of those on regret. Instead I’m going to focus on making the absolute most of the path I’m on now

LostSapphire · 01/05/2020 10:07

Yes, I had similar and it was very painful. This will sound stupid but the Gabrielle song "Out of Reach" helped me make peace with the loss of what I never had. Have a listen to it and the lyrics. It made me realise that it was not meant to be, or it would have been. 15 years on and I realise how little it all mattered anyway.

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