How to tell son about his father

[Noclue79]

My son is nearly 4. He hasn't seen his father since he was a baby and has no recollection of him. I have older teen kids who have a different father who is still part of their lives.

My youngest sons father was arrested and jailed for the sexual assault of one of my older children. He pleaded guilty. The whole incident was hugely traumatic for us all as a family. I have had no contact with him since his arrest and will never ever allow contact between him and my son.

Fortunately my youngest was too young to understand what went on at the time and has been unaffected. We are a happy family unit and I'm proud of how we have all got through this. It's all a horrific memory, thankfully in the past.

Recently though youngest son has been asking "who is my dad?". I have been able to gently deflect by saying that not all households have a Daddy in them and then talking about who we do have and all our other relatives and how lucky he is to have them all. The same question keeps cropping up though and I really dont know how to answer in a way appropriate for his age.

I've thought about saying something like "your daddy had to go away" but he will want more than that. I could lie and say something about his Dad living in another country but that could get out of hand and also somehow feels like I'm covering for what he did. I could say he did something really bad and so we dont want to see him again but that seems harsh and sad for a 4 yr old to hear.

I honestly dont know how to answer him. It's so hard and so very important that I get this right. I also have to think very carefully about how the direction I choose will affect my older child, who was the victim.

All professionals that were involved when this all happened told me I would know what to say when the time came. I really really dont.

Any advice at all is very welcome

That sounds incredibly hard @Noclue79 , I'm sorry for all you've been through. No direct answers, but how about either contacting a charity which supports survivors of sexual abuse and ask their advice? And also I would have thought your son would be eligible for some play therapy or something. You don't suggest that he has any problems but your family has been through trauma, and the fact that he keeps asking may point to him sensing something.

Canyou say ssomething like, Your daddy was called.... but he did a very bad thing which made us very sad., so he had to go away? (Something like that,) If he asks for more info just say you will tell him when he is older?

This is a hard one but i think you have to tell the truth as best you can for his age.
Just say something along the lines of him being naughty so he can't live with you. Also maybe speak to his teacher to explain the situation once they are back at school, teachers have a good understanding and experience of these situations and maybe able to give good advice but will also be fully in the picture if your Son mentions it at school so they will be able to give him reassurance.
Theres lots of children with only one parent some with none who live with other family members or carers so theres no reason your Son should ever feel different from other children.

All questions should be answered with age appropriate truth imo. The answer may be ‘sad’, but there’s no way of turning this situation happy. ‘He did something very bad so we can’t see him, I’ll explain more when you’re older’ is probably how I’d answer it. If pushed for an explanation then I’d probably go further and say that he hurt his sibling very badly a few years ago so you won’t be having anything to do with him anymore

I fully agree with @june2007 'S comment. This must be SO hard for you but trust me, from personal experience, lying will make the situation worse when he's older even if it's coming from the best place possible.
The truth is always best no matter how young they are but just cotton wool it a bit for him. I'm so sad you're going through this though x

I think one problem you have here is the child he committed the crime against really needs to be spoken to. They may not want the full details revealed in years to come they may want it kept private. Its not something that everyone is comfortable sharing. Knowing everyone knows can be damaging so speaking to your older child is definitely something i would do.

I agree with speaking to the older child (the victim) about your younger child's questions and discuss how much detail the older child is comfortable with you giving - that doesn't mean you necessarily have to tell the younger one everything if the older one is ok with it, but at least you will know you have their permission and their trust. They should also be prepared for the younger sibling asking them questions about it. You could contact the NSPCC for advice on how much information to give. I think I would also go with something like, "He did a bad thing that made [sibling] very upset, so we can't see him any more. I'll explain more when you're older" etc. Also reassure them that older sibling is ok and that you're not going anywhere.

What june2007 said 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

What age is the child he abused. Would they be old enough to have a discussion with and get their feelings on this. I agree that you can't lie about it but definitely talk in an age appropriate way to the 4 year old. Whatever you decide it's going to be a tough one

I think you say. “Daddy did a very bad thing and had to go to jail. He hurt someone in his family badly and we definitely don’t want him to hurt you too do we?” (But don’t reveal who he hurt). Similar to others speak to the victim and use the resources past posters quoted.

You must tell him when he is older. He could try to find him.

I would also make a distinction between children and adults (so it’s clear he won’t have to go away if he is bad).

Something along the lines of ‘Grownups have to look after and protect children because children are very precious. Daddy wasn’t doing that and so it wasn’t safe for us to be around him and he had to go away.’

I think the truth is best or he could be shocked/angry when he finds out in future. Ask your elder son if you can say "Your dad hurt X and had to go to prison so he can't hurt anyone else"

Oh no OP it's a really difficult situation to be in for all involved.

I believe that in a situation where a child asks a question it's important to give them a truthful answer, but in this case it would have to be carefully worded.

I'd probably start with 'Your daddy was called X.' and maybe share a few details about him, maybe his job or something about his appearance. I wouldn't rush to tell him about the abuse or that he's in jail, if he asked why he didn't see him I'd just tell him, that some daddy's don't see their children and how it's not his fault and how he's loved very much by you and his siblings.

You could ask advice on the adoption board - plenty of adopters have experience of explaining similarly difficult things age appropriately. When my DS was tiny a social worker suggested I describe prison as being the adult equivalent of the naughty step!

I generally go for talking about choices and consequences, which the DC understand at their own level, so I'll say 'your first dad did very bad choosing, he chose to do things he knew were wrong, so he had to have consequences and one was not getting to see you while you're little. If you still want to meet him when you're as big as (insert name of older teen relative) we can see about it then'. My DS occasionally says he wants a dad, when I ask why it's usually that he thinks a dad would let him do stuff I've said no to (I make it clear that wouldn't be the case, I dont want him idealising what a dad is like cos that's just storing up trouble). My DD has been known to tell people her dad is dead, but then she remembers him and DS doesn't so it's not the same.

Have a look at PACT. They have a helpline for prisoner's families. There's a section on their website, and they'll have dealt with this before

You might also want to take advice about your older child.

For the safety of the youngest (and any children they potentially go on to have) they need to know what their father did, but obviously that needs to be handled very carefully for the sake of the older child.

www.prisonadvice.org.uk

I'd be cautious about saying that it was your older child who was hurt, your youngest child may decide it was your older child's fault. That isn't rational but small children aren't always rational. Might be best to say that he hurt someone very badly and was sent to prison so he can't hurt anyone else.

Definitely agree with the advise that you need to speak to your older child first. It's really important he knows that anything u do say isn't minimising what happened to him but also that any discussion won't bring back what happened more than he can cope with

Very tricky situation. But I'm sure u will handle it as you find it needs to be.

I agree with previous posters about telling an age appropriate version of the truth. Say he hurt a child and so the police say he can’t see any of you any more.

Hi OP. I had a similar situation although in our case my son's father was arrested, charged and served a prison sentence for downloading child pornography, 12 years ago when my son was 5. After a horrendous year of me believing his claims of innocence while we were both investigated by the police and social services, he confessed and I ended the marriage immediately. So I can relate to the total shock and disbelief. I pretty much decided from the beginning to go with limited age appropriate truth for my son. At that stage I told him that his dad had done something wrong which meant he couldn't live in a family anymore. I made it clear that it was an adult 'wrong thing' so that my son didn't worry that he too would be excluded if he made a mistake. When my son was 10 he asked for more information and at that stage I explained it was an offence to do with online safety and that he had spent some time in prison. I should stress that he was having monthly supervised access. I checked in with my son over the years to let me know when he was ready for more information. In the end, I had planned to share the whole story with him after he had taken his GSCEs but a kid at his school helpfully spilled the beans in a very public situation just before his exams and so I had to sit down with him and let him know what had happened. It had been in the local papers when it all happened so many local families were aware.
My advice is to offer limited but truthful information which can be supplemented as time goes on, and also get in touch with the Lucy Faithful Foundation who support families of sex offenders and can offer counselling and lots of helpful information. It's a really tough one but if it helps I can say that my son has adapted really well and is thriving and happy. Good luck x

It’s not child pornography it’s images of children being sexually abused.
I’m not being a dick I just think it’s an important distinction to make.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I think you all confirm what I knew deep down and I have to speak to elder child about it and be as honest as possible. It horrible though and feels like I'm opening a can of worms, but I know in reality it has to be done. I've been putting it off.

Thank you all for your opinion. Outside views are usually much clearer.

08ShouldWeChangeTheBulb you are quite right. But that was not an easy post to write and I hope it was still helpful to the OP.

I would not mention who was hurt. That's a lot for a small child to process. Just say a child, and leave the details for the future. Your older child has the right to anonymity in this.