To ask upstairs flatmate to stop smoking on the doorstep?

[Amymone]

There's a situation that's been bothering me for weeks now and I'm just not sure how to handle it, being very anti-confrontational as a person. It is causing me considerable distress though!
My husband and I live in a ground floor flat and upstairs there's a flat share with a few people in it. Just 2 flats in a converted semi.
Sometime in the last 6 months they got a new flatmate, who happens to be a smoker. It's not something we've had to deal with before.
I cannot bear the smell of cigarette smoke, and even find myself having to move if a heavy smoker sits next to me on the tube. It makes me absolutely gag.
When the new flatmate moved in upstairs, she started smoking on the doorstep with the front door open. The hallway stank of smoke and crept into our flat too.
We did say something after a while and she stopped. But now in lockdown, she's started sitting and smoking on the doorstep again. Even though she's closing the front door now, the smell is still creeping in and I can smell it every time I enter/leave the house. Even when it's not fresh smoke the hallway now smells really grimy and dirty. I wouldn't mind (I would...) but we even repainted the hall recently and now I think it needs doing again.
Lockdown is really difficult for everyone, particularly upstairs since they have no outdoor space. I don't want to cause awkwardness and stress for her but at the same time it's really bothering me. AIBU? There is a park a couple of minutes walk away, so we're not completely devoid of outdoor space.
It could be that she has no idea the hallway smells, or it could be she thinks I'm unreasonable.
Any tips for how to handle the situation?

Do you have a front garden space? Maybe put seat in a sheltered spot and tell her she’s free to use it. It would be a good way of encouraging her to move and keeping both of you happy,

I vote to tell her, does anyone like the smell of stale cigarette some?! After all it looks low rent and common. It’s not the fact she’s a woman, it’s just a bit low class in general lm afraid

I'm not sure it's a class issue @EL8888! She can do what she likes and is a free person. It's not for me to judge whether she chooses to smoke, I'd just prefer it didn't come into the house!

It’s not a class issue as such, more selfish and poor manners. But yep it’s still just a bit chavvy.

All the people I know who still smoke are posh, higher earning city types - so figure that one out!
I’d hate the smell it too but there’s not really much you can do I suppose. She’s outside.

"l I just hate the knowledge that our hallway is full of toxic chemicals." I wouldn't worry about that. It's mainly propaganda from the anti-smoking brigade. You should ask yourself how much poison comes from car exhausts and why it doesn't fill you with the same fear.

It's fine to dislike the smell - especially since your sense of smell is heightened right now, but since neighbour has taken it outside and closed the door that's all the concession you can reasonably expect.

And hopefully your sense of smell will return to normal soon. I know that is hard. I had that heightened sense when I gave up smoking (decades ago now) and for a time I could tell who in the room had showered and how long ago.

There are many more toxins in cigarettes than that @Amymone, but the idea that they’ve snaked back in the keyhole, affixed themselves to the floor and walls and are now lying in wait to poison you is taking paranoia to humorous levels. If I were this woman and you approached me I’d be telling you to buy yourself a hazmat suit.

I'm pleased to have provided you with a good laugh in that case!

Tell her, I bet she leaves the stubs everywhere as well

She obviously can't go to the park every time she wants a smoke - she'd get fined by the police if they caught her. There's no way that multiple trips to the park for cigarettes count as a good reason to be out and about.

So she doesn't really have any choice, except give up smoking, which is not the most feasible at this particular time when everyone is stressed and on edge anyway.

So, I think YABU. She's doing her best - she smokes outside with the door shut - and I'm not sure she can do more than that.

That would really bother me too. I think it's fine to have a polite word with her (but I'd probably be too chicken to go through with it!)

She actually does go out many times during the day. Like I say, they're not observing lockdown. But you're right...technically she can't leave every time she wants to smoke if she wants to obey the rules.

I'm going to drop this until lockdown is over and reassess when things are 'normal' again. Most likely will resolve itself.

Thank you to anyone who posted constructive comments on both viewpoints.

Could you ask her to move away from the door unless its raining? Compromise. You shouldn't have to but it might soften the request.

If you live in a city or a town you’ll be breathing in toxic chemicals just by walking down the street. I’m not sure you have a leg to stand on here, you just have to hold your breath when you walk through the hall. I do understand when I was pregnant the smell of cigarettes made me
Physically ill, but you really can’t dictate to her what she does outside the building. She has shut the door- you cannot ask her to go to a park (I know you didn’t say this but it’s implied in your OP).

Well, you're in a converted semi and pregnant so I imagine you'll be driving them just as insane when they've a screaming baby to listen to 24/7 soon!

Tell your neighbours to smoke weed instead. Apparently that's more acceptable on here than normal cigs.

Something I discovered in lock down was that the cloths I used to disinfect door handles, light switches etc. every few days zoflora when left on the bathroom radiator to dry make the whole downstairs smell as if I have a plug in going. Could you bear the smell of that if you used some in the hall.

You will be annoying them soon enough with a crying baby so I would live and let live.

Say it to her by letter if it is easier.
It is a reasonable request, put a draft blocker along the main door if they ask why tell them. It sounds like she doesn't realise it is still a problem.

Bit OTT is you ask me. It's not that big a deal and really not likely to get more smoke in your flat than there are exhaust fumes from the road. You're not proposing to stop cars driving down your street, are you, because even though pollution is bad for everyone, that would be silly

Wow, you sound very precious and a bit neurotic.

Yes, I've been pregnant, I also smoke.

Like PP have highlighted, how are you going to cope with your child in a buggy at street/car exhaust level....?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. But please chill out. There will be loads of stressful things happening in life with (or without) a child. You just can't control it all. Best to control what you can and go with the flow for the rest.

I hear what you're saying, but please consider being kind instead of name calling. There are nicer ways to make your point I think. Perhaps it's a mumsnet thing. There might be a situation that's got me a bit more wound up than usual but I do my best to be polite.

If she smokes outside with the door closed you can't say anything to her at all! Wow

it's exhausting as non smoker that the law protects one in public from second hand smoke but not in our homes/gardens/communal areas.
I feel for you, its horrible and so health damaging.

I would have a chat to her, explaining how much it affects you. I think thats the only angle that might work.

Also worth agreeing with the landlord to put a clause in the contract for future renters that smoking in the flat and communal areas is forbidden - it shouldn't a difference to him who he is renting to, but a massive difference you.

YABVU - she's smoking outside and the idea that you can make her go to the park to have a cigarette is hideously entitled and contrary to the current guidance around one period of exercise a day. Use febreeze and stop being so precious.

YANBU, but you should just ask - smokers have a terrible sense of smell, she probably doesn't realise it's seeping into the hallway. If she's a reasonable person she'll move further away to smoke.