Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you supposed to be in love with your BF/GF?

17 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 30/04/2020 01:44

I'm quite young (22) and have been in 4 relationships since I started dating at 17. Longest 3 years shortest 3 months. Only in the shortest have I been in love with the other person. The other times, including my current relationship, I just like and enjoy my boyfriend, without being in love or "loving" him in a serious way.

In talking to friends and my mom I have gathered that the point of a relationship is that you love the other person. Is this correct or do others also approach them the way I do? I don't fall in love easily at all.

AIBU for not loving my boyfriend?

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 30/04/2020 03:23

"loving" him in a serious way

You're only 22, you don't need to be serious about anything right now. Just enjoy his company for what it is and have fun. Do whatever feels right for you and not what everyone else thinks you should do.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 30/04/2020 03:25

I have 2 serious relationships and 1 marriage behind me and couldn't say I've honestly been in madly love with anybody. I liked some of them lots. Just a series of bad choices and rushing into things.

DressingGownofDoom · 30/04/2020 03:39

If you like spending time with you, and he's kind, and you have fun together and you're attracted to him then thats wonderful. You don't just love someone instantly, it has to grow into love.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2020 03:42

Someone told me you get to be really in love three or four times in your life. Looking back, that's about right. And I've gone out with a looooooooot more than four men.

As long as you're honest and everyone is a consenting adult, it's fine.

PapayaCoconut · 30/04/2020 03:57

You sound a lot more mature than I was at your age. I told myself (and them) that I loved my boyfriends, but looking back, I didn't even like some of them. I just didn't want to be alone. You say you "like and enjoy" your current BF. That's good enough, as long as you're not looking for marriage and long term commitment.

Just two things to be aware of though:

  • If he loves you, while you only like him, that could become a problem, for obvious reasons.

  • Inertia is as powerful thing. I've known several people who have ended up in unhappy marriages just because they were getting to the "right age", biological clocks were ticking and family was starting to put pressure on them both. Just be careful not to get stuck with someone who isn't quite right just because there's nothing overly wrong with him. I'm ashamed to say I've been engaged three times but only properly in love once. (With DH, luckily!)

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 30/04/2020 04:11

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies! I'm surprised that there seems to be consensus on my side of the 'debate'. And relieved!

OP posts:
Mumwith4kidzz · 30/04/2020 04:50

@GlummyMcGlummerson

I am 29 and have been in love once (with my now husband)
You're 22, if you don't love them, move on there's always someone out there for you!

PierceHawthornesSexDungeon · 30/04/2020 06:37

I'm 41 and I've only realised what love is in my current relationship which is relatively new (compared to others my age).

Puds11 · 30/04/2020 06:41

I’m 32 and have properly been in love once. He’s now my husband Grin

I think at 22 it doesn’t matter if you love them or not as long as you don’t lie to them about and don’t commit to anything major like buying a house or marriage. I think people think they love all their partners because that’s what you’re told you’re supposed to do.

Nitpickpicnic · 30/04/2020 07:14

There’s no ‘supposed to’ about it.
I’ve been madly in love for one night, knowing that’s all it would ever be. I’ve loved parts of my partner’s personality (or body!) and not the others. I’ve had satisfying years-long relationships with people I don’t love in a romantic or sexual way, but as a dear friend.
I’ve known love to flicker and die away, when I was sure it’d last forever and I’ve come to long painful realisations that love was too one-sided to continue (both sides).

My advice is to not start out with firm expectations (yours or other people’s or the culture’s). Let each relationship teach you about love and yourself, and judge it on its merits to your life in that moment. Eventually, if you want kids, you’ll need to consider if you want a particular partner for that. But you have decades to decide (in theory).

Enjoy your life, and loves in all their various forms, and give the finger to anyone who pressures you otherwise Grin

Parmavioletmum · 30/04/2020 07:50

I think there are different kinds of love.

But I can honestly say now at almost 30 my partner now is the only person I can genuinely say I've been in love with despite having a few relationships before including a marriage. I've had the honeymoon period in all 4 previous relationships where I've felt like I was madly in love but this has been the one that weve seen each other at our worst and i can truly say i wouldn't change it. But it's grown despite all that. Even at our worst points I still see my future with him which I never felt with the others, I always wanted out if those relationships got stale or a little tough. I guess that's how I knew I was truly in love this time. I was content.

It sounds for your age like you've got a mature mindset and if you enjoy each others time focus on that and see what happens. I do believe you know when your with the right person In time.

zscaler · 30/04/2020 08:03

I had three serious relationships before my husband and I thought I loved them all, but when I met my husband I realised how different my feelings for him were than my feelings for any of the others had been. I was blown away by how deep and strong our bond was, virtually from the outset.

You’re only 22, so I think it’s perfectly normal for you to feel the way you do. It’s fine for you to be with someone just because you like them and have fun with them. But be honest about your feelings if it comes to it - if your boyfriend is professing love and planning for the future, it might be time for an honest chat.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 30/04/2020 08:06

As long as he knows the score it's fine. If he is telling you how much he loves you and you arent being honest about your feelings for him back then that might be an issue

Umnoway · 30/04/2020 08:08

I wouldn’t waste time or energy on a loveless relationship at your age, especially if you find it dull or unfulfilling. You’re extremely young so have plenty of years ahead of you to worry about falling in love. Just go with the flow and enjoy yourself.

Original poster
ThePriceOfSugar · 30/04/2020 09:06

Thanks again, I love hearing your stories and thoughts. I have experienced mad love (I proposed to him only half joking after two weeks) but it didn't work out. Of course I would like to feel that way again but at the same time being "in like" doesn't feel like a waste of time.

OP posts:
Puds11 · 30/04/2020 10:40

What you describe there @ThePriceOfSugar sounds more like ‘in lust’ where you get very attached very quickly and it can fizzle out quickly, as it did. ‘In like’, ‘in lust’ and ‘in love’ are all fine as long as you know which is which. Don’t panic about not being in love, far too much emphasis is put on finding ‘the one’ early. Just enjoy yourself Smile All in good time, as folk say Smile

BrevilleTron · 30/04/2020 10:47

I've had a few relationships and I'm nearly 40. Had a child...got married..got divorced and now I've been with my DP for four years. I know it's love because I would both kill and die for him whereas previously it was only my daughter who merited that. He is my ONE and although I had to kiss a few frogs to get to the Prince it was worth it. At 40 I know who I am, what I want and I don't take any crap anymore.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page