Money/future

[worriedwifeandexpectantmother]

Sorry in advance for the long post?

So I need some advice. I'm 27 married for almost 2 years but have been with DH for almost 13 years. We're expecting our first child together in the winter.

We got into an argument following a conversation about affordability. My view point was people live within their means I.e someone can comfortably love off £1600 per month some people can live off £2k etc...

I wouldn't say I have a well off job. But if I put in the hours which I have been (due to saving for a house) I come out with decent money. And from that after bills and expenses and savings I'm still able to have spending money at the end of the month. If I didn't put the extra work in I would still be able to cover my bills and expenses but I would have to cut back on my savings each month. I aim to save a minimum of £1k a month.

I grew up with my parents teaching me the value of money and that I should save for a rainy day, just in case the worst happens. I stand by this, just look at the current crisis we're currently facing. My DH on the other hand didn't have much of an upbringing and doesn't understand about saving. Each month I have to ask him for money to contribute for our deposit. Before this, it was money for our wedding, before that money for our holiday. Before that money for our house that we had to put down 6 months rent.
I try to highlight to him how important it is to have a back up plan or emergency fund just in case.

I asked him if god forbid I was to die tomorrow, how would he pay for my funeral? How would he manage the house and bills? (Because I handle the financials.) should I be asking him each month for a contribution? His answer was he'd use the money I had saved. I asked him what if I hadn't save any money. How would you pay for my funeral? He said he'd get the money. From where? People! And he would pay back when he can.

I said to him you can't ask people for money. This was the point I'm trying to explain to him that he shouldn't be going to other people to help him out, when he should aim to have an emergency fund.

He totally shut down. He said that I make him feel worthless. Which I wasn't trying to. I was trying to let him know how I feel and that I'm worried that he wouldn't be able to manage. I was putting off having children just yet until I knew he had sorted himself out. I just said to him I don't think he'd be able to cope. He stopped talking. Wouldn't say anything else.

DH has been really excited since we found out that we're expecting me on the other hand was shocked as I wasn't expecting this to happen so soon. I'm not disappointed. I've just got a lot of fears and anxiety because I don't think we as a couple are ready.

AIBU for pointing this out to him?
AIBU for having worries and concerns?
AIBU that his response wasn't appropriate?

@worriedwifeandexpectantmother You did say he’d be a shit parent. You said in your OP

I was putting off having children just yet until I knew he had sorted himself out. I just said to him I don't think he'd be able to cope.

So, yes, you did. You told him that if you died he wouldn’t be able to cope with bringing up your child. And yet you are surprised he’s hurt by that

@lyralalala I was referring to him being financially secure. I never said that he would wouldn't be a good parent in other aspects. Maybe I phrased it wrong to give you the wrong impression. As my whole point to this post was about finances and management.

I understand your criticism of him, but I think rather than saying that to him it would be better to give him some help with budgeting. It's a life skill that not everyone learns and you're in the fortunate position of being able to help him.

If he’s financially ignorant instead of just pointing it out to him teach him. In an ideal world we should all be fully formed and not need teaching in our relationships but in reality most people are still learning in their twenties and thirties (assuming he’s in that age category), a large part of that learning happens within relationships or during relationships. It’s not like you are perfect either, it’s unfair to be pissed off that he’s ignorant and take it out on him without trying to help him. The whole point of a relationship is that you help each other rather than get pissed off over each other’s shortcomings.

You are getting some great advice here esp from @minettechatouette.
I would only add setting up life insurance and critical illness cover will definitely ease your mind aswell as other advice already given
Congratulations on your pregnancy.