School placement frustration

[ColourMeExhausted]

I know this is a small issue when there are so many bigger issues going on. But it's big to us and has been a real source of worry and anxiety over the past few years.

In 2016 we moved house with 8 month old DD. Our previous house was too small for family to stay and we hoped to have another DC (which we have since done) so figured it would be best to move at that point. However, our old house had the advantage of being in a council area that is renowned for having very good schools. Our new house is...not in this council, it's practically on the border. I'm ashamed to say we did not realise this when we bought the house. As far as we knew, there was a good school just up the road that the seller's children attended. Even once we knew about it being a different council, we figured we'd just make a placement request when the time came. I know, I know. But, in my defence I was massively sleep deprived, so the majority of organisation fell on DH who was also sleep deprived and stressed. Plus we had major house lust and really didn't think it would be a problem.

DD is now 4 and we see things rather differently. The school nearest to us that we assumed she'd attend has become massively popular and even people who live opposite are now not guaranteed a place. Meanwhile our local catchment school is not great - actually tbf the primary would be fine, it's more the catchment secondary I have major concerns about.

We ended up putting in a placement request for the school that's opposite DD's nursery. Not the best school in the council but still has a good reputation and is a feeder school to several excellent secondaries. That was back in December. We were expecting to hear about it this week. I've just found out the deadline has been extended to the end of May because of the Coronavirus.

I'm gutted. We've been waiting for so long to hear news and have been hoping for the best. I've been feeling guilty about affecting DD's future just because we wanted a bigger house, and really hoping that this would all work out. On top of the general Coronavirus anxiety, stress of juggling wfh and childcare and all the rest of it, it just feels like a total blow. I guess it was giving me something to focus on and knowing we have to wait a bit longer is so disappointing.

It's not even like I went to a 'good' school, my comprehensive was very much bottom of the tables. I've made out ok as I was lucky to have supportive parents but I was bullied for being different and I don't want that for my child. OK I'm going to risk sounding like 'that' parent but DD is very sensitive and really wants to be going to school with her friends. Not somewhere where she won't know a soul. Especially as she's no longer in nursery so the transition will be even bigger.

I know, I need to get a grip. I have healthy DC, me and DH are healthy, a lovely house (which has been a godsend during lockdown, ultimately I'll never regret moving), there are always options and it's really not going to be the end of the world. I'm just really struggling tonight. Everything feels so pointless, I was already dreading limping through another month of lockdown, not seeing family etc, and this is making it worse.

Come on AIBU folk, give me a slap round the head and a reality check please! Oh and my advice to new parents and house buyers out there...don't buy a house when you're cruising on two hours broken sleep a night...

Sorry OP but I have seen this so many times where we live. Several areas which look like they would be in the catchment area for the good secondary but the houses being 50 - 80 grand less for comparable house would tell you that they are not. It sucks but that’s life.

She is four. A lot can change In next 4 or 5 years for secondary. Bad ones improve and vice versa .
She is four. Lots of her #friends# will move or change schools. Dont rely on them

You have a lovely house enjoy it

Stop worrying about secondary school. You’re getting way ahead of yourself. It sounds as though all your primary options are ok, and that’s enough for now. Anything can happen in those 7 years, literally anything. Schools that are dire now could be outstanding by then, and vice versa. It happens a lot, believe me. You could need to move house again for a myriad different reasons. Your child could be particularly suited to one type of school or another. They could show a particular talent that a different school caters better to. One of mine never even made it to secondary because we ended up homeschooling her and we definitely didn’t plan that at 4!

The reality is whatever school she goes to, if you are supportive and she has a good involved home background she will be fine. She thinks she wants to go with her friends now because she’s 4. So did DD1 but we moved house and she had to make all new friends. Which she did, amazing ones she would never have wanted to have been without knowing.

It will be fine. Put it out of your mind.

Schools can change hugely n a couple of years and under the current system an ‘excellent’ school might well not be.

Do you mean a school place for September 2020 in Reception? Are you in England? If so, you have been misinformed - offer day was 16th April nationwide. If you applied online you'll have your offer sent via email. If you applied over the phone you should have a letter by now.

Thank you all so much. This is what I needed, and you are all absolutely right. I think being in lockdown has sent me a bit loopy with it all (and I've always been one for 'thinking ahead' way too much!)

And thanks @charmatt but we are in Scotland so different systems here.

I'm wondering if the OP is in Scotland, as they have catchment schools.

Ah, cross post there! The system is different in England, I know that in Scotland it is normal for children to go to their nearest school.

In that case, I feel for you. I deal with admissions as part of my job but in England. It is a long time to wait normally so you must be feeling frustrated. Added to the lockdown situation it must be difficult.
Tgereason you are anxious is because your children are the most important thing in the world to you and this is out of your control. Primary School is a long period of time and you have time to change the destination for secondary if you choose to move.
If it's any help, we moved to a bigger house and spent 4 miserable years because we thought we were doing the right thing. Eventually we made a list of things we wouldn't comprise on and moved to a smaller house that was more than adequate. We paid off our mortgage 10 years early and are so happy we wouldn't ever move again.....
...unless it was to a Scottish island!

Good luck!

I don't want to rain on your parade, but In Scotland, the secondary school you attend depends on where you live, not what primary school you attend. If a child goes to a primary school that is out of catchment, they will not automatically get a place at the associated secondary school. They will get allocated a place at their catchment school, and you have to make a placement request to the secondary school you want at that stage.

But as PP say, it is years away, and schools will change a lot in that time. Don't worry, but do be aware that it is not as simple as getting into the correct primary school....

We are in Scotland too and have the same issue although my dd has another year of preschool to go. Both primary schools are rated good or very good in the last inspection however the high school is poor only 35% of kids get 5 or more highers. I would be willing to move to a smaller house in a catchment for a better high school. Dh wouldn't.

I myself went to an inner city comp with less than 30% of kids leaving with 5 GCSEs at A-C. It was dire and there was lots of bullying. I found my feet though and made lifelong friends. My dd is only 4 but I do not think she would thrive in an environment like that. I did but only because my parents were involved ( pushy sometimes) and I was clever and self motivated.

My dh keep saying that the high school can improve and we should wait till dd and ds are older to see if the school is still underachieving. It worries me a great deal too.

No real advice other than I understand your frustration.

It's difficult - everyone wants the bigger better house but usually comes at a cost of not the best school catchment - we went for smaller house in better school catchment. Saw a fab house that's much bigger and new but we decided we wanted the better school catchment instead - hard decision but guess everyone does what feels right at the time and you love your house so that's good. If u don't plan on moving and the primaries are good then that all sounds good. You can re- think in 7 years re secondary- no point worrying about it now. Not sure what u mean when u say the primary is a feeder to lots of excellent secondaries- no matter what primary u get, you'll stil only b offered your catchment secondary regardless?

Hi again all. Thanks, I really thought I'd get flamed on this!

Regarding the secondary school issue- yes, am aware that we'd still have to do a placement request regardless, but if we get our primary placement, we will probably consider moving back into the council with good schools again. Not ideal, but as PP say it's a while off yet. I think we would have less need for a bigger house by then, it's served us well for these early years but I don't think space will such an important issue. So we are open to moving, whatever happens.

I do feel a lot better today. Had a dream DD went to the catchment school and it was actually really good think it's my brain's way of telling me to calm the fck down! It will be fine.

Sorry to hear about your situation @Sceptre86. We sound like we are in similar situations. I really don't want to leave our house because it's our forever house - or so we hoped - and ticks every box but the schools. Still, we have time. Really good it works out for you too.

What doesn't help us the snobbery I encounter on our estate. Lots of older families whose response to the school situation has been to put their DC into private school. Not a financial option for us and even if it was, it's not something I'd really want to do.

Thanks again everyone, your responses have really helped me get some perspective. Yay for Mumsnet wisdom!