Fair share of chores

[wheelsonthebus88]

A & B are married and have 1 DC (3) both still working full time during lockdown, A from home, B still physically going into work and working shifts (combination of days & nights) DC, although could go to nursery as both parents are key workers, is staying at home with A.

A & B have had an argument tonight as B doesn't think A is doing enough around the house. B admits that as they are on nights this week they are more grumpy than normal, but still thinks A needs to do more. For context below is what A has done today

Got up 530am
Early morning 5k run
Shower
DC up, showered and dressed
Breakfast done for A & DC
Taken one load of washing out of the machine, hung up to dry
Previous load taken off dryer and put away
dishwasher emptied
Started work while trying to entertaining DC (some free play, some tablet time)
Lunch done for A, B & DC
Washing machine emptied and put to dry
Afternoon of work and looking after DC
Dinner cooked for A, B & DC
Food shop delivered and put away
DC put to bed

Meanwhile B finished work at 5am
Stayed in bed until 12pm for lunch
Went back to bed until 6pm
Had dinner
proceeded to moan that the house was a mess
Went back to be bed until leaving for work at 9pm

For context, this is a regular argument regardless of what shift B is working, however the argument is more intense when B is on nights.

B is completely taking the piss.

Tell him to do whatever it is he feels needs to be done himself or piss off.

If you're both working full-time, chores should be divided equally.

B obviously feels that WFH isn't actually working. (Is A managing to do their paid work while doing the childcare?)

B's being a dick.

Ok so you’re A and your husband is B right?
B is BU.

So, you're both working full time, but A is doing all the childcare and chores.

Yeah, that's completely fair.

If A is working full-time while trying to take care of a 3yo, B should be covering almost all of the chores. It takes much more than 8 hours to do 8 hours of work while caring for a child.

B is also getting around 11 hours of sleep roughly, does A get that too? I'd say 7-8 hours is ample for most adults, meaning there are 4-5 hours B could be helping to tidy up the mess they complain about.

Your husband is a wanker.

So yes I am A!

I'm getting my work done, however it's currently involving logging on in the evening to tidy up and close down any outstanding emails. Work accept this at the moment as there are a few of us in the same situation. It does however mean I don't really get an evening to myself.

I am probably averaging about 6 hours sleep at the moment. By the time I have finished work and done the last of the jobs around the house, it's gone 11pm, and then I am up early to go for a run which is the only time I get the chance to do that.

This dosen't just happen when DH is on nights. The last set of days shifts he worked, he finished at 2pm, came home and moaned that the living room was messy (dc's toy's were all over the place!) Because I didn't get chance to tidy them up while managing work and calls, and Dc was still playing.

If A is working full-time while trying to take care of a 3yo, B should be covering almost all of the chores.

THIS with bells on!

Has your husband always been crap at anything to do with the house and child? If so then what’s going to change ?

Make sure you don’t have another baby with him and take time to think if this is the way you want to live. Have a read of the bazillion posts from miserable women who stayed in relationships that they wish they hadn’t

So what makes Mrwheelsonthebus think that housework is your job alone?

If A is working full-time while trying to take care of a 3yo, B should be covering almost all of the chores.

^^
This, 100%

Although I’d be tempted to shorten the run or not do it as often if I was only getting 6 hours sleep!

He thinks it my responsibility to do everything because I am at home. He doesn't get the concept of working from home as his job physically doesn't allow him to. Although the same applies when I am in the office as well.

I think he is jealous that i get to be at home with DC all day, again he doesn't comprehend that I'm not on leave I am actively working as well.

I don't want to drop/shorten the run as I have recently lost 3 stone and running has been a bug help in that.

A is being a martyr as she could drop the kids off at nursery so she can work child free. Stop complaining as that's YOUR choice.

So B is at home for around 15-16 hours between night shifts and does nothing except eat and sleep?

He needs to sleep for 8-10 hours max, at a time that works best for him and put in a good chunk of childcare every day to allow A to work uninterrupted, plus do at least some of the cooking and cleaning.

So he considers housework yours to do normally anyway? Bit of a dinosaur dick.

I think he is jealous that i get to be at home with DC all day

But from your OP he doesn't actually spend any time with DC.

I know nights are hard and he still needs to sleep in the daytime but he has a lot of the day to spend quality one to one time with DC.

B appears to be doing fairly short shifts. I'm used to 12 hrs shift patterns. At that point, B would do nothing when on nights, not much when on days, and absolutely everything on rest days.
Does he do significantly more when on rest days? What about when on days?? ie if this only occurs in night shift, I think it just needs to be sucked up. If it's a reoccurring theme, exaggerated when on nights, it needs to be dealt with, and B needs to up his game.

Your husband is a lazy child. An adult would chip in and contribute, not whinge that mummy isn't doing enough.

When on days dh will cook dinner, mainly because he insists that we must have a cooked dinner when he is on days so he takes responsibility for cooking it. However it is left for me to do everything else. When he is on nights he doesn't really want to eat much so I sort myself and DC out.

He does all the DIY and bits around the house if anything needs doing, but moans and groans about he is the only one who does anything like that!

I spent years doing shifts including nights each set. It's no excuse to be lazy