To expect more help?

[0MrsT]

I really don't know who's right or wrong here..
I'm 24 weeks pregnant with my second, my daughter is 18 months old, I'm a deputy head in a school.

When lock down was announced I went into 12 weeks isolation as recommended, I work from home and as a result of closing childcare also have my daughter at home with me.

My job is stressful, as my colleagues are still working physically it's fallen entirely upon me to manage the home provision we're offering students alongside my normal responsibilities, I'm happy to work, it's hard with no childcare but we're managing and i don't want to lose my wage as it's unlikely I'll return to school before I have my second baby.

My husband has a manual job in construction, he works really hard at a physical job, he's home by 4.30 most days.

When he gets home he sees that as the end of his day, he helps with our daughter, he'll feed her, play with her, change her for bed.. but he won't do anything else and if I ask he gets arsy and says he's been at work all day and deserves a rest and he's already helping me by having our daughter.. when I argue that I deserve a rest too he'll laugh and say you've sat on the sofa all day. Technically I have I guess but I'm still working full time AND looking after our child.

Our daughter is a terrible sleeper, I'm up 3/4 times a night and she wakes at 5.30 for the day without fail every day. We alternate weekends for lie ins, he gets up with her Saturday and I get up with her Sunday.. he rarely ever gets up with her if she wakes in the night, this only happens if I blow my top and tell him he needs to pull his weight, he'll do it one night and then it's all back on me.

On top of app this; I'm studying for my headship qualifications. But if I bring this up I'm told that was totally my choice and I cannot 'use it against him'

My friends seem to think because he helps with our child and he allows me a lie in on a weekend then I should be great full and he does a lot.. but I completely disagree. I'd love to come home from work (in a non/lockdown situation) and the only responsibility I have is to spend time with my child... I'd love to feed her and play with her while my dinners cooked and my clothes are washed.

Am I unreasonable to expect more from him.. to share the chores every night rather than me doing it all while he puts his feet up and spends time with our child. He knows what I want, I've been clear, he just thinks I'm unreasonable because he does a physically demanding job and I don't.

He’s a dick

He’s a cretin. You’d be better off on your own than wasting energy resenting and hating him

Sounds unbearable. Do you think he could change? He sounds stubborn
I really feel for you as I can’t imagine how hard it must be

He’s awful. Is this a response to lockdown stress as assume that he wasn’t like that before

It's not "help" you're expecting, it's him to do his fair share.

If he lived on his own he would need to parent his child 50% of the time (which would include 50% of the night waking) plus do all his own washing, cooking, cleaning, food and clothes shopping etc.

You both work full time, you are also being a full time teacher to your DC1, plus domestic servant by the sounds of it.

Also, you are pregnant and probably knackered. He should be caring for YOU, running around to make sure your home is clean, getting up in the night to care for your first born etc, so you can rest.

The fact that he isn't makes him an arsehole. It also makes me very surprised that you had more than one child with him.

If he's rarely done night waking with DC1, why do you think he'll change for DC2?

Yes because looking after a baby and working a demanding job isn't physically AND mentally demanding. What a knob! He isn't supposed to 'help' you with the baby, he is the PARENT. I'd stop doing anything for him that makes your day harder and concentrate on looking after yourself and your child. And make sure you have plans for leaving by taking copies/photos of financial info and any important documents. Put that studying to good use and save some separate money. He sounds like a peach.

Yes he's a dick. He doesn't need to 'help' he needs to parent, clean , cook, whatever. When he gets home it should be all hands on deck until dc in bed and you can both chill. The fact that you're pregnant means he should be even more willing to do his share.

if I ask he gets arsy and says he's been at work all day and deserves a rest and he's already helping me by having our daughter

Helping you by having your daughter - has he forgotten he’s a dad and not a babysitter?

Why not do a rota for the household chores/cooking? He can’t argue with that.

Why did you have another kid with him given how much of a crap partner he is and doesn’t pull his weight?

I don’t see things getting better for you I’m afraid, these type of entitled men don’t change and by bringing another baby into the mix will only add more stress to your plate, not his.

He's always been this way, but I have an amazing mum who does so much for me.. she works part time so she has my baby when I'm working 2 days a week and whilst I've always appreciated all the help she gives me it's really hit home the impact of that since lockdown and us not being able to see her at all.
He is an amazing dad.. he adores her and he does spend so much time with her.. but I'd like that quality time too, I miss out!
I'm relieved you all agree with me.. I was starting to doubt my self!
And to the question about having a second child.. it is a surprise baby.. I tried for 8 years to have my first and conceived on my 3rd round of ivf after a lot of heartbreak.. this is a natural baby and although it wasn't planned i wouldn't change it for the world!, my little miracle!

An ‘amazing dad’ who whilst his heavily pregnant partner works full-time, looks after a toddler, studies and is also doing all the cooking/cleaning/washing gets to sit on his arse when he comes home because he’s been doing manual labour? And he has the nerve to accuse you of sitting on the sofa all day?!

If you suggested a rota for cooking etc. what does he say to that?

Can you afford a cleaner? That would surely lighten the load for you if he’s not helping out.

He seems rather ignorant in understanding what it takes to look after a toddler and also keep a household ticking over. Do you share the mortgage/bills etc? Reason I ask is he may be of the opinion that as he is paying for everything and you are not, your ‘job’ is to do everything else and that’s why he wants to switch off when he comes home.

YADNBU.
I’m 25 weeks pregnant, with a 7mo and 19mo, not working as a SAHM. My husband gets home from work and we eat dinner, we then clear up from dinner together, he takes the dog for a walk with the 19mo and me and the 7mo pack all the toys away in the living room etc. We then both do bath time, and either both do bedtime or one of us will do bed time while the other does something else that needs doing (Last night I did bedtime as we needed a shop from Tesco so he went there).

Yes I do the housework in the day and I get as much done as possible, but we 100% share it once he’s home. It’s our house and our children not just mine.

Honestly I’d sit down with him and explain all of this to him and explicitly say that he needs to start helping. He needs to stop thinking that because he physically goes to work at the moment and you can’t that he does more, it’s my least favourite mindset!

He wouldn't stick to a rota, these things work for a week or so and then it all just goes back.
He would argue that he does his share of the chores.. he won't cook at all.. he hates it.
He argues he does help with the washing.. he will occasionally put on a load of washing.. but the washing would need to be overflowing from the basket before he would think to do this and once he's put it in the washing machine it's forgotten about, he will also ignore the huge pile of washing waiting to be folded in the utility room. None of it is done routinely to the point of being helpful.
He'll hoover if it's obvious it needs doing like the babies had food or the dogs chewed something up, he will hoover that spot.
But he does tidy the lounge every evening.. by tidy the lounge it's routine for the baby to put all her toys away before bed so this is what he means by tidy the lounge.
And I think that's it.. he's never cleaned a toilet, never mopped a floor, dusted etc.
But he does take the bins out.. and he will remind me when we argue that I have never done this once since living together!
We split bills, we earn equal amounts so it's pretty 50/50 but I take charge off all finances, inc the books for his business.. he just hands his money over and I pay bills or put into savings or whatever.. he has what he classes as 'pocket money' so again, takes no responsibility when it comes to that either.

He is an amazing dad..

er... No he's not.

He's also a shit husband and a lazy, selfish tosser.

He shouldn't be 'helping' you with his own child FFS. Sorry, but you really need to open your eyes here. It'll be even worse with two unless you put your foot down now. Right down.

You are working too. What does he think you get paid for? Does he understand what you actually do?

Please don't just accept this for the rest of your life. Have a very clear conversation with him, put your foot down and make plans to leave if he doesn't buck his ideas up and act like an adult. Real plans, not just empty threats. This is no way to life and no example for your DD about how women deserve to be treated.

YOU deserve much better than this.

I did tell him today I wouldn't allow my daughter to grow up thinking this is ok.. I think this is why I suddenly realise how unfair things are.. I've always accepted it and had the attitude that I don't need him to help me. I don't need him at all.. I actually said today I'd be no worse off on my own but I want it, I want help, I want support, I want someone to share the load! But I don't need it.. very different!!
I feel so much better!! Thanks everyone!
I'm really no push over.. I think I've just been too busy to stand back and really take notice as there's always been the next thing to move onto.. lockdown has made things much clearer. Funnily enough I feel quite positive.. I know I'll be fine! X

He won’t cook because he hates cooking? How did he survive then before he met you then?

He sounds very lazy and entitled. Never cleaned a toilet/mopped/dusted etc. Is he a mummy’s boy?

If he only sticks to a rota for a week or so, then you need to keep your foot on his neck and make sure that he does stick to it no ifs, buts or maybes. He has no real consequences to his actions as you will pick up the slack. Maybe you should stop doing his laundry and cooking for him. I’m pretty sure if he gets hungry enough he’ll make something and once he has no clean clothes will be forced to do his own washing.