Abusive dad, finance, moving out

[FreeandIndependent]

post involving violence by a family member, but good news and onwards upwards from here

Hi. I wrote a previous post about being 27, living at home with a dad who threatened to kick me out after an argument because I wouldn’t apologise , and that he would change the locks one day so I couldn’t get in. I then posted about him not celebrating my bday 2 months after this argument, and a dilemma about lockdown stalling plans to move. I’d like to share how it’s escalated since then - some bad news but also some good news. The bad news - last week he was violent towards me. My door was locked on the latch (something I started doing in case something I’m about to describe happened) and I was in my room. He wanted to come in and demanded so. I wouldn’t let him, the door was locked, I said a few times ‘I’m on the phone’ and he kept telling me to open the door. I repeated the same thing and said it was not a good time. He demanded again and I said ‘I’ve said I’m on the phone, I don’t feel safe , so I won’t be letting you in’. He then said ‘you’re not? I’m going to break the door in.’ And literally 5 secs after he kicked the door in, OFF THE LATCH. I was livid , told him he is violent, emotionally abusive all the rest and left the property soon after. In that time I went for a drive, had dinner and looked for hotels and BnB in case I returned to the property and he had kicked me out. I contacted hotels /BnBs, who’s said they were shut and weren’t accepting new ppl due to the virus , it did not occur to me to say that I was a victim of domestic abuse. I returned home after a few hours. I’ve cut a long story short because the post would be too long.
Anyway, good news, I’ve begun therapy and I will be moving out and have secured a place to rent, 30 /40 mins drive away from this environment and 10 mins drive from work.
As it stands the current move date that I set was 22/6. I did this purely for financial reasons (paid on 22nd of each month) as I thought it would be good to have an extra May pay and then the June upon move in.
The place is vacant from May and I can bring this date forward. I feel that the date I set is possibly too far and due to the violence that occurred that its best for me to move sooner, I’m thinking May pay day 22/5. I’ve got savings etc but I’m just concerned I won’t be as financially secure compared to having June pay and I don’t know what to do. But I could make May work.
I have friends and family on both camps.
Mum separate to the violence , thinks June is too far, and that it should be May, will be sooner, get it out of the way and give it more of a focus. She doesn’t think he’ll display such behaviour again because she said he’s realised he’s went to far, and she’s also spoken about it to him. He gets triggered when I called him violent and when I bring up the door he tells me not too, and feels it’s okay because it’s apologised. However, the next day he still tried to have the last word about it, and the day of the incident when I told him he was violent he said it’s because I didn’t let him in, I’ve clearly said it does not matter it’s a violation , shows his lack of respect of me. And on this weekend when I hadn’t paid rent - I had discussed this with Mum , I had a car expense and she’s aware I’m moving so I plan to use my money towards that, I’ve not told him and I have deliberately done this because I don’t want him to further abuse me knowing he has a timeframe to do so. So only Mum is aware. - anyway in the argument about the rent in which he accused me of lying about the price of my car expense to which I chose to show him proof so he’d look silly, he did get close to me and mum had to get in the middle and intervene - and this proves my point . So Mum is also aware and quoted my phrase about how I feel about his behaviour if I stay longer which is ‘you never know’. She’s all for May, and that I can make it work.
However I have friends who say , well if have stayed that long already you can stay another month until June and save up more, or another friend who says ‘you can make them/Mum aware so she can pass it on that if he does anything untoward you’ll call the police and he’ll lose his job. Stay til June and make sure you have that extra £’.
In some ways the answer is obvious but I’ve been in two minds , and once I think I’ve made a decision I’m in two minds.
It’s unfurnished, I’m not too concerned as I have sofas, drawers etc and just plan to order a new bed and sort out clothes rails at some point instead of wardrobes.
Thank you for reading. I welcome your support and suggestions and views, and just general advice for the future. I also will not be in contact with my Dad when I move.

My dad was violent. I didn’t tell him I was moving as he would have smashed up all my stuff and thrown me out the house. I think the 22/5 is too late if you are in danger. It there anyway you can bring your move in date forward to the start of May. Don’t tell you parents. Is there are time when both are out the house (or even just your dad)? If so this is the time you need to pack up everything, put it in your car and go! Good luck!

Move the minute the unit is available. Use your savings. If you won’t move for yourself, do it for your mother. Every time she acts as a buffer, she risks being the target. Get out of that house. Get your independence established and your finances stable and then talk to your mother and let her know she can always come to you if she is ready to escape.

I had violent parents. It takes a very, very long time to feel safe and realise that what you were living with is very far from normal. I’m not just talking about the actual violence, but the anxiety of living with the expectation of it building, and the behaviours you have to portray to constantly try to diffuse and delay the inevitable explosion - which for your father is like an emotional ejaculation. (Sorry, but that’s what it is - it’s the power trip’s equivalent to a jerk-off when he’s feeling disempowered.) Get the hell out as soon as you can. Keep up with the therapy. Don’t be surprised if you become angry with your mum for using you as a human shield as well. He will turn his behaviours towards her now. Don’t go back to protect her. She knew exactly what she was doing. You’re 27. It’s way past your living at home use-by date.

Don't wait, move as soon as you can,

I had violent parents. Be careful that your mum doesn't tell your dad.
In a sad way I literally packed a bag and moved out with my now dh at 22, I left nearly all of my clothes and belongings there as there was an incident that made me realise I was not safe at all.

My biggest regret ten years on was not calling the police on them, obviously you don't have to do that don't tell yourself you're responsible for your dad possibly losing his job because he's choosing to act illegally towards you. Since I left home my parents both say how awful I am and I still hear about what a nasty person I am. She. I was living there they didn't say so many bad things about me because it dented who they were, now I've left they were so angry how dare I leave and not obey their orders.
Eventually I had to go nc with both of them.

I can tell you that is very hard but for me was in the end the best thing I could have done for my mental health. I literally feel free for the first time. Like a massive burden has been lifted from me.
Your mum is an adult she can also make choices even if they come slowly. They're not for you to make.
Move now. Get your head clear, and the rest will follow. Don't succumb to further emotional blackmail or threats. You can have a happy adulthood.

Oh and one thing I found rather odd is ten years on my bedroom is exactly the same as when I walked out. Not sure if it's relevant but I think they went into completely denial that i was not coming back.

Move out ASAP - if the new flat is available from May, move then.
You don't say when in May - if towards the end, do you have other family and friends that you could stay with in the meantime?

Ikea have relatively cheap beds and clothes rails - put them on a credit card if you concerned about using savings for the sake of one months pay.
TBH, if your 'rent' at home is in advance, despite what you've agreed with your Mum, I'd be tempted to find the money to pay it if you're there for another few weeks, to avoid any aggravation with your Father.

It's a availabile from May but they are just going to hold it an extra month for you with no extra rent? That doesnt sound right...

Could you tell them the situation and see if they will let you move in a month early for less rent that first month (surely that's better for them than a vacant property with all its bills).

But definately move as soon as you can. Ideally you need to be out of there before he finds out you are moving. Therefore it may also help to mice things over bit by bit. Safer too to start moving stuff asap incase he changes the locks and tries to keep it all.

No reason not to move out
Move asap

You can buy " stuff" second hand or new, as you can afford

If can't bed & sofa, buy a sofa bed
Or
Sleeping bag & a sleeping mat ( insulation off the floor)