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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think he’s at it again

50 replies

JellyBaby90 · 29/04/2020 00:31

So, long story short. “D”h has left me before for another woman. I went against everyone’s advice and got back with him.
Now I’ve found emails between him and this other woman, which stop abruptly just before Christmas. I’ve also just found out he has a profile on “illicitencounters” on which he has been active in the last 24 hours... I know nothing of this site or how accurate the 24 hours is, but I’ve been a mug haven’t I? He’s doing it again and I’m in a joke of a marriage.
I love him, hate the thought of leaving him, but it’s my only option now I think. At least we don’t have kids together.
Not sure why I’m posting. Isolated from everyone and just need a shoulder to cry on so to speak.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 29/04/2020 10:54

Move on OP.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/04/2020 11:13

Leave now, I know family members who’ve been doing this for the last 30 years to every partner they’ve had.

Unless his willy drops off he won’t change.

Serendipity79 · 29/04/2020 11:30

Im not going to say anything negative because I also trusted my ex after he had an emotional affair behind my back and he went on to do it again.

They don't change - Im sorry I know people will say they've moved on from affairs and all will be fine, but I genuinely think this is a minority of people.

With no kids on the scene, please get out and move on. Life does get better, no one deserves to be cheated on x

pointythings · 29/04/2020 11:36

He got away with it before - with his ex and with you - so why would he not do it again?

You love the man you thought he was. Start believing that he is in fact a cheating scumbag and get rid. You deserve better. You're allowed to grieve the relationship you lost, but find your anger.

Cocobean30 · 29/04/2020 11:41

Aw so sorry OP :( I hope you find the strength to leave. You deserve so much more and will find someone who values you. He will never change, as you say he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he is doing! He just isn’t telling you so he can keep his comfortable life and regular shag on the side of his adventures

L0bstersLass · 29/04/2020 12:53

OP - my heart goes out to you.

I echo the sentiment of a previous poster that you're not in love with him, you're in love with who you want him to be.
Sadly he's not living up to that. He is a disgrace.

I wish you all the very best .

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/04/2020 12:54

Not quite sure how many more warnings and signals you need OP. Get rid, clean break and don’t look back

Alfiemoon1 · 29/04/2020 13:00

So sorry op

Original poster

JellyBaby90 · 29/04/2020 14:06

Thank you everyone :)
He’s gone to take his kids back now, so I’m just trying to think of how to tell him I know everything without him kicking off that I’ve snooped :( guess this will teach me for snooping

OP posts:

Tadghthepup · 29/04/2020 15:04

Mess with his head. Just tell him it’s not working for you and you’d like him to leave.

Don’t mention anything he has done just tell him it’s not you it’s him...

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 29/04/2020 15:08

Can he go elsewhere?

If you tell him will you be safe?

Windyatthebeach · 29/04/2020 15:09

Think of him as fast food op.
You love it even though you know you shouldn't..
You can't imagine life without it..
It really isn't good for you.
But your life will be so much better without it..
And soon you will feel amazing and be glad you stopped having it...
Ime day you will find a healthy substitute that you love and is better for you and you will feel even better for having that instead of fast food.
To the point you will wonder what you ever saw in fast food..
Ltb op..
Leave the burger.....

Boopeedoop · 29/04/2020 15:10

Just tell him that you aren't in love with him anymore. You don't have to tell him what you know right now.

Purpleartichoke · 29/04/2020 15:12

if You can be the person to move out, you don’t even have to have an argument with him. You can just book a truck and leave.

If he needs to be the one to move out it gets more complicated. I still might wait until you get your plans made.

L0bstersLass · 29/04/2020 18:00

Mess with his head. Just tell him it’s not working for you and you’d like him to leave

Brilliant. Yes - do this.
He doesn't deserve to get to know the reason from you. He knows what he's done wrong.

forgetthehousework · 29/04/2020 18:10

If you love him and want him to stay then you'll have to accept that he will not be faithful to you, however I'd be more worried that one of his liaisons will decide she can change him and he'll listen to her and decide to leave you.
At least if you throw him out now you've got some control

Infidelity is bad enough, but lying to you about it makes it so much worse.

Whatsername177 · 29/04/2020 18:46

Dont bother to hide the fact that you snooped - it really doesn't matter. Leave his laptop open with the messages and his illicit wotsit profile open. When he walks in, calmly tell him that he has 30 minutes to pack and leave. Tell him you've seen everything, you are done and you will not listen to his lies. If you allow him to explain he will lie. Run. Get out whilst you can.

Stinginthetail · 29/04/2020 18:53

Yes do tell him to go. My DH has been doing this to me for years
I've forgiven him more times than I care to say but we have kids. If it wasn't for them I'd have told him to go years ago.

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/04/2020 18:56

None of this is your responsibility it’s all his doing.
Is it a joint home or yours , you mention he has children . Make sure you are ok if renting etc, bank accounts etc
I’d

Original poster

JellyBaby90 · 30/04/2020 10:07

It’s rented but I’m the only one who pays the rent etc.

I tried so many times last night to have it out with him and I just couldn’t do it!

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 30/04/2020 10:50

Hi op, I'm sorry he's doing this to you.
As you've said you pay all the rent anyway so you will have no problem taking care of everything by yourself.

What a sad loser he is.

Notimeforaname · 30/04/2020 10:51

It's hard to have that talk but you can do it. Say as much or as little as you want to him. Give whatever reason you want.

Dontinjectbleach · 05/05/2020 14:29

How are things OP?

Cam2020 · 05/05/2020 15:22

You're not a mug, you gave someone you love a second chance and they've thrown it back in your face. They've also been stupid enough to leave evidence - they're the mug You've got the upper hand here, he doesn't know that you know, get yourself in the best possible situation and ditch him. This time you'll know you did the right thing and won't be wondering whether you should have given him another chance.

Original poster

JellyBaby90 · 06/05/2020 00:13

I’m biding my time, need to get everything in order and make sure this is a clean break this time round. Thank you so much everyone :)

OP posts:

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