To feel so utterly wretched

[IDontLikeZombies]

Is anyone else feeling absolutely crap?
Lockdown and CV19 is really getting to me. I'm a nurse, but not frontline. I feel really guilty about not being frontline. My skills are actually needed where I am and I don't have the knowledge/skills/experience to be any good to acutely ill patients but I can't get away from feeling inadequate.
I'm still working so I'm not at home much with the DC. DH is working from home so he is doing homeschool and his job. I've written lesson plans for the next couple of weeks but again I just feel like I'm not doing enough.
I feel constantly scared when I'm out of the house. There's no safety in numbers any more and I find the deserted streets quite threatening. I'm constantly watching myself to make sure I'm socially distancing correctly, I'm hugely aware that as I still see patients I am a higher risk for onward transmission of the virus, even just as a surface.
At home, everything needs done, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, homeschooling, making sure the DC are loved and nurtured and reassured. The house is minging and everyone seems to be hungry all the time.
I just want to go into a cupboard and hide in the dark but there's too much that I should be doing.
Well meaning, lovely people keep telling me that nurses/ homeschoolers/mums/whatever hat I've got on today are heroes, saints, saving the country, etc but I'm fucking up in all spheres. Anyone else feeling like this?

It doesn't sound like you are fucking up in any spheres! Just because you are not on the frontline doesn't mean you are not helping - people without Covid-19 still need healthcare.

You sound absolutely burnt out, and you should probably take some time off - you will not be useful anywhere if you run yourself into the ground - and also you too are a human being, you are allowed to take care of yourself. There are nicer ways of doing that than going into a dark cupboard.

Can the children get a cleaning routine going? And maybe they could help draft the shopping lists/meal plans?

Thank you for all you do

Everyone at home can help with chores.
Sit down as group, split them up and then prepare for a couple of days of reinforcement.
Even young dc can make beds and tidy toys, my dc 11 do dishwashers and prepare basic meals.
Education wise you can't recreate school so if they are doing something it is all good.
Most people aren't frontline nurses so there is no particular reason why you should feel bad about this.
Maybe try and get 30 minutes a day for you to recharge somehow, you also need looking after.

Thank you so much. I think you're right, I'm just done. To be fair to DFamily, they are pulling their weight, they"re just a bit little to make an impact. Thanks again for the very kind words, I needed that

Could have written this post.also nurse not frontline and feeling crap right now heres a virtual hug from me

I feel the same. Could cheerfully go and live in a cave right now. Nobody has done anything particularly awful but work, homeschool, shopping for multiple household is really exhausting and it's the endless questions that every single person seems to ask me.

Lolly and Autumn, it really is hard. I just feel guilty all the time, mainly because I have no energy to pretent I'm okay and more. You would both be very welcome to live with me at the back of my cupboard. Realistically we know this will get better, I think we just have to look after ourselves so we can keep going until it does.

I know I've just had a really shit day today with work and kids needing help with school - it's got to me. I'm normally super capable so I hate feeling like I'm failing. Thanks for the offer of the cupboard

Same.

I feel you OP. I could have written your post word for word.

I'm so sorry all of you feel this way, c'mon into the cupboard, just for now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I think we’re all finding it tough now. Nothing to look forward to and no clue as to how long we’re going to be in lockdown.

You’re doing a hell of a lot more than most of us, OP. Thank you. 💐

I am so sorry OP - it is very hard for a lot of people. You are not alone. Thank you for the work you do. You are one of the people keeping the world going, (for all the baking/gardening/happy-go-lucky lockdowners). I hope that tomorrow will be a better day - and next week even better, This won't last forever. There is a future. You will be needed then too. And your family will be very proud of you.

Take care, (and cupboards are OK for a bit - just don't stay too long )

Same here

Please don't feel guilty for not being frontline.
Nurses and other hospital staff - doctors/cleaners/cooks/admin etc - are just as vital as those on the frontline.
Many of us feel helpless in one way or another, but each of us has a part to play even if it is just staying tucked away inside.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. You’re not alone & just by turning up to work, you are doing a good job. Be gentle with yourself. Forget homeschooling-I’ve done two days of it with my dc-I’m a teacher too & not working. We’re all just trying to get by. This too shall pass.

Thanks all, I'm very touched by all the kind things you've said. I do have a tendency to be very hard on myself. I know that there's no way I could work on the frontline, teach the DC astrophysics to degree level, have a spotless home filled with home baking and fresh bread all while maintaining a flawless complexion and social distancing by the book but for some reason I feel awful that I'm not doing all of this. You are absolutely right - this will pass. All all of us need to do is keep going.

Vipers, I lufs you