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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I feel like ending it...

26 replies

Banksy20 · 28/04/2020 07:16

So, long story short. I was with my ex for almost six years. We had some great times together and travelled the world. We did sometimes argue but I thought that was what most couples did. We decided to try for a baby and it took almost two years to conceive. During that time, I discovered be had been out with a female friend and lied to me about it and when checking his phone, I discovered messages to other women. Nothing too bad and he vowed it meant nothing and we agreed to move forward. The next month I got pregnant. We were happy and everything seemed to be going okay, except I had bad anxiety throughout my pregnancy about something going wrong. Well, when I was 7 months pregnant, he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore and we separated. He said things might be different once the baby was here. I moved back to my hometown to be with my parents but kept in regular contact with him and we agreed he would be involved in our child's life. He came to my baby shower and the birth. He spent the first week staying with us and after that would come up almost every day to see her (he lives 45 minutes away). When she was two weeks old, a friend told me she had discovered him on a dating site not long after we split. I spoke to him and he said he had done it when he was drunk and hadn't met anyone. The first couple of months after the baby was born we were getting on well. We decided to give it another go when our child was two months old. Things went well for the first month and then at the start of December, things started to change. I questioned if he wanted to be with me and he said he did. He bought me a holiday for Christmas and then on the 30th December we had an argument and he said he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was devastated and hoped we could work it out. However, a few weeks later when he was visiting our child, he was on his phone constantly and smiling at it and I just knew. I messaged him later that night and asked if he had met someone new and he said yes but it wasn't serious. He claimed he met her when we initially split in the pub and had kept her number even when we got back together. That was the end of January. Since then, my life has been hell as we have argued a lot and it feels like he is putting his new girlfriend above our child. They became official at the beginning of Feb eventhough it wasn't a week since he told me it wasn't serious. He chose to take her away for a weekend for her birthday and not to come and see our child that weekend. She also has a child and he met her child very quickly and then moved in with them at the start of lockdown temporarily. Or so I thought! Two weeks ago, I found out that he has decided to move her into the house that we used to share. They have apparently only been together since Jan yet she has introduced him to her child and they are all moving in together. We had previously agreed our child wouldn't meet anyone new for six months and now be is saying I have no choice in that matter as they are getting married. All of this makes me suspect it was going on a lot longer and while I was pregnant or had just given birth. To say I am heartbroken would be an understatement. He consumes my every waking thought and I sit crying and feeling hopeless. Since we split, he has deleted and blocked me off Facebook and all other social media. We have fallen out numerous times in the past three months and he has called me ugly, sad, pathetic, etc...I have messaged the new girl on multiple occasions, more out of anger and she doesn't seem to see my side of it. Since all of this with Coronavirus, he initially said he couldn't see our child for fear of passing it on. Then his new girlfriend showed symptoms and they had to self-isolate. Then he said he wanted to see our child. He has been to see her the last three Fridays and spent the day with her. I feel uncomfortable about this due to the current situation but I also have said I will never stop my child seeing him as I grew up without a dad. When he's here, we get on really well and a huge part of me thinks that there's hope and maybe one day he will realise he wants me. Then I remember that he has moved someone else into the house we shared for almost three years and which still has a lot of things I bought in it! Before lockdown, I had got my own house and redecorated it all and had moved in a week before lockdown began. However, as it began I decided to move back in with my parents for support. I'm really struggling though. My parents are let workers and work all day. It's great when they're home but then I have all day to sit and think, even though I try and keep busy doing jobs and entertaining my child. After my ex has visited, I get really low and on Sat I spent the whole day crying and feeling like I want to give up. I love my child more than anything but the stress and hurt I am feeling is consuming me. All I ever wanted was to be a family with someone and now he is doing that with someone else. His girlfriend's child is moving into the bedroom meant for our child and he will be spending so much more time with her than his own child. He is self-employed and not currently working so he can now only afford to see our child once a week and hadn't been able to pay any maintenance since the beginning of March. It isn't about the money though as I am fine financially. I just feel like there's no point going on. He was my everything and I loved him so much that I don't think I will ever trust anyone again or be able to love again. I still have feelings for him and would probably get back with him if he wanted that. He constantly reminds me he no longer loves me though. To add to all of this, my child is ebf and refuses a bottle. I never get more than a few minutes to myself and am woken frequently in the night. My child is now eight months old but I don't feel like it's getting easier. I'm a key worker and due back at work in 3 weeks. I'm having childcare issues and the anxiety about going back during these times is stressing me out. I haven't been anywhere with my child since lockdown began, except for two short walks. I prefer to stay in the house or garden. I do love my child but I am exhausted after not sleeping for 8 months and having to deal with all of this. I feel like my life is in limbo and has ground to a half since giving birth. I just want to end it and the other thing stopping me is not seeing my child grow up or them being raised by my ex and his new partner. I have probably missed parts out but it's quite a complicated story 😥

OP posts:
Banksy20 · 28/04/2020 07:22

Further to this, me and my ex are going for mediation as he keeps claiming that I am stopping him seeing our child, which I have never done! I just don't agree with her meeting the new girlfriend so quickly. Plus, as she is ebf she can't be away from me more than a few hours and he thinks I use it an an excuse to stop her going to stay at his. He doesn't have a car seat either or anything else for our child and I have told him she can't go to his until he has these and then six month period that we initially agreed is up. I'm hoping mediation will help us agree visitation, etc...I just wish I could turn my feelings and thoughts off. I keep getting flashbacks of things we have done together and getting more upset by it all.

OP posts:
Stampy84 · 28/04/2020 07:31

I can empathise with heartbreak and having a baby- I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s absolutely soul destroying! Please remember that a lot of women get even more attached to the father of their child for the first 1-2 years, it’s a pull from nature. I know you can’t imagine this feeling going away- but it will!!
I’m 18 months in, and while it still hurts at times it’s not raw, I can see the sun through the clouds!
The first thing you need to do is STOP CONTACTING HIS GIRLFRIEND!! You will look psychotic! Anything he may have said about you to her will look absolutely true.
You’re drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You will get over this, you will move forward- but you must allow yourself to! You’ve put your ex on a pedestal a d he doesn’t deserve to be there!

Aimily · 28/04/2020 07:34

You've been through the wringer this year haven't you!!

I don't have a lot of advice but I wanted to address a few points.

First of all please don't end it, this is a temporary problem, I know it doesn't feel like it, but a relationship breakdown and a baby only last a period of time, one your through the break up and baby is getting older you'll look back and wonder how you go through it, but you will have and you will be so proud of yourself!!

He has been a total shit and you need to work on letting go of your feelings for him, nothing good is coming of them, just pain and hurt for you as is very clear from your post. Is there any chance you could organise collecting your belongings from the property (that is if you want them back, if not you could go through bank statements/receipts, if you have them and send him a list of things you would like reimbursing for as I cam imagine you'll need to repurchase? Or just write them off)

I finished maternity leave at the end of March and due to the nature of my job was furloughed on my return. Is there any chance that you could ask your employer to furlough you (I have read on here this is an option) due to your childcare struggles?

You need to stop messaging her, Lord knows what he has said about you to her, so if he's made you out to be a crazy ex, you're playing into that narrative.

And lastly, focus on your baby, I promise things will get easier and a feeding routine will be established, even if you express a bit and make one of the feeds a bottle feed, it'll allow you to get a break from being so touched (I suffered from touch overload to begin with and couldn't even think about cuddling dh) you could even encourage your parents to feed when they are home from work, it's a good bonding exercise for the grandparents.

Dipi79 · 28/04/2020 07:34

I think you might benefit from counselling of some sort.
I'm so sorry that your ex treated you so badly. However, he IS your ex and he has moved on. Spending so much time obsessing over him clearly isn't helping you, nor will it be positive for your child. Please love yourself to seek some help/support around these difficult feelings. Leave the new girlfriend alone. It's harassment and won't make you feel better. Whilst it's not great that he has moved. On and wants his new partner to meet your child, it's not for you to dictate what your ex does during contact. Your ex has made a commitment to this woman and she will, likely, be part of your child's life, whether you like it or not. You do sound as though you are controlling and manipulating contact, possibly because you feel so much emotional pain in this situation.
Yes, please seek some support, as you and your child deserve a decent future.

ponchek · 28/04/2020 07:43

Banksy you sound such a sweet and decent person. You have given him the benefit of the doubt constantly, and been so generous emotionally. And all you want is to be loved and cherished for that, and have the security and pleasure of your own happy home sharing your child together.

Trust me, I truly get this. But he doesn't, really. If he got what a sweetheart you are, he'd be a different person. I know you have just been through pregnancy and birth, looking after your beloved baby, so many changes with him, lockdown - but look: I can see you've always, always done well and been hopeful. You got your own house and decorated it all? On your own and with a little baby? You're financially sound and don't need to worry about money? Sounds like you managed birth and young baby fine, largely on your own? You are doing AMAZINGLY. Your little baby is so lucky to have you! And you must enjoy every second of being such a super mum. As your child grows up she'll be able to express her love for you more and more, and she will feel so blessed that YOU are her mummy.

I cannot say how I understand and feel for you in the agony (because that's what it is) of his betrayal and setting up with someone else and their child. But you need to put your head down, put your sou'wester on and battle through this storm with him, baby in tow. Get through it. Be the strong resourceful person you clearly are. Yes it's deeply unfair. Yes it's breathtakingly unkind and hurtful. Yes it's all wrong. Yes your feelings and opinion are being ridden over roughshod. Yes you miss him, and it feels wrong to miss him but of course you do.

But. And this is a giant but. You are not as alone as you think you are. Your daughter is with you and loves you totally and forever. And she needs you. And the more she grows, the more you will understand this. Soon she'll be talking to you. And walking. My daughter said her first words at 9 months. And walked at 10 months. So you probably don't have long to go. It's going to get even more exciting and rewarding. And full of joy. And fun.

You WILL get through, and rebuild. And find someone for you and her. And have more children. And have what you want and deserve. Just not with him. So instead of despairing, start to work on properly detaching. Read what you can about it. Bolster yourself with the wisdom of others who've been through this. And if you ever ever feel bad, just hug your baby close, talk to her, smile with that little darling. Read her a story. Sing her a song. She's your treasure. Your home. Your love. Your security. And she ain't going nowhere. And for her, nobody will do but YOU. Yes, it's true. You've got all you right next to you, with you now.

You've got this. You can do this. And honestly it won't even be that hard. You just need to adjust your focus and change your filter a bit. Focus on you and your daughter. Wash him out of it. Take his importance away. And build for your bright future.

Banksy20 · 28/04/2020 07:46

He agreed in writing when we initially split that no new partners would be introduced for six months so that's the only reason I am so against them meeting. I forgot to add that I had apologised to the girl for messaging her last week and we have cleared the air as I was conscious of what he has said to her and her thinking I was a psycho.

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 28/04/2020 07:51

Your ex has priced he’s a liar so don’t believe what he says. You need to accept the relationship is over and put you and your dc first. The first year is a struggle and dealing with him will be exhausting as well. You’ve had to move house (assume you were renting) too. Can you get online counselling?

ponchek · 28/04/2020 07:51

Just read your second message about the contact and breast feeding etc. Now my response is shorter - fxxk him!! You need to put your foot down. You actually DO need to control contact. And you need a solicitor and to contact support groups for how to do this right.

Yes Stampy is right about the bond, but it will go. And yes I forgot to say Under No Circs communicate with the woman. You must cut all contact just to him, and make it short and functional. Or even get someone else to talk for you (your mum or dad? A friend?). You need to go cold turkey on this guy.

The baby cannot be away from you when feeding on demand. And if he doesn't like that, it's his own stupid fault for not being there.

Really my biggest word of warning: I did the same. I afforded the father huge credit and made him really important and loved as the father. And it was a stupid naive thing to do. I would have been better off finding a decent guy as quickly as possible.

Cut your and your daughter's losses. Be firm on what's best for her as a baby re: contact. This is not about him.

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 28/04/2020 07:52

I agree with PP that you might benefit from counselling. What you've been through is incredibly stressful and hurtful and it would help to work through that. I also think it might help you to focus your attention away from him. This guy has been an absolute dick to you and it's made worse because you're forced to interact with him about your child. I think you need some really solid boundaries in place to protect your own mental health. The less you know about his personal life the better. It's unfortunate that he's diving into new relationships and bringing your child with him but he's right that you can't do anything about that so it's going to be so much better if you just don't engage with him unless it's to make contact arrangements. Don't have your friends update you about what he's doing, don't ask him about it, just keep communication to a minimum.

nonamesleftatall · 28/04/2020 07:54

Do not think about ending it. You are clearly a wonderful Mum and have done an amazing job for the past 8 months. It was unfair how your ex treated you but in the long run you will be better off and stronger without him. Time is a great healer and eventually you will move on and will be happy and possibly even meet someone else. Your daughter needs you so you most stay strong for her. You will be better off without your ex in the long run. Don’t message his gf anymore, stay strong and just take each day as it comes.

ponchek · 28/04/2020 07:54

OMG and I just read your next note. He agreed in writing? etc. He is taking the p!!! He needs heavy-handed black and white boundaries, probably imposed by someone else.

And I'm surprised you're not a temporary psycho after all this. You have every right and reason to be!!

Calling a new mother a psycho because she's been lied to, abandoned and now is being bullied into handing over her baby is not on.

You need to cut these people out of your life.

AlwaysCheddar · 28/04/2020 07:57

You also need to recognise how abusive your ex is being.

Inthepurplerain · 28/04/2020 07:59

This is all jealousy.

Please don’t leave your child without their mum because of jealousy.

Why are you desperate to be with someone who treated you like shit? He will do the same to his new partner, in time you’ll realise this.

Stop clinging on to your child not meeting his partner for 6 months, she’s nothing to your child. You’ll always be her mummy, nobody can ever compete with that or take that away from you.
The partner sounds bizarre as well- her poor kid as always, partners seem to come first.

Please see all of this for how it is, you’re desperately holding on to your past that was based on lies and lack of respect.

You’ve got your whole life ahead of you to find someone who will treat you and your daughter with love and respect.

Please talk to your parents about how low you’re feeling and let them try and help. But please, don’t end your life (and ruin your daughters by doing this) for such a waste of space (he honestly is! He sounds awful).

Stampy84 · 28/04/2020 08:01

This is one of those posts, where I wish in could talk to you in person! I’ve been every you are, I understand. I’m also coming out the other end now though and I would love love love to prove to you that everything will be ok ❤️

Banksy20 · 28/04/2020 08:11

Thank you all for your replies. There's a lot of good advice that I will definitely take on board. I love my child more than anything and I do have hope that things will work out for us, I just think the lack of sleep and lockdown are exacerbating an already hard situation. I have never said he can't see our child so I don't think I am manipulating contact. He is free to come and see her whenever he wants and he knows this. I just don't agree with our child meeting his new partner before six months as although he may be confident things will work out with this girl, it doesn't mean I am or that our child should be introduced to someone so quickly. We mutually agreed that timeframe and just because he has changed his mind, doesn't mean I have to. After the six months, she can meet my child. I wouldn't have gone to mediation if I didn't want him involved in her life. Once she is no longer ebf then it will make the situation easier with her being away from me for longer periods. I have tried to include him in all aspects of her life and send him pictures/videos of her as this is what we agreed.

OP posts:
HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 28/04/2020 08:36

OP you will get through this but it is still so raw at the moment, you are allowed to feel hurt and betrayed and that's okay. Please do not feel like this will last forever, it won't.

I also wanted to say what a beautiful, lovely post that was @ponchek - so kind.

HopeMumsnet · 28/04/2020 09:21

Hello OP, there are some lovely posts here, and we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare. Of course if we had any doubts we'd remove the post, but remember everyone needs to watch out for themselves as well.

You've had some great advice here, Banksy20, do take it. There's that famous Mumsnet saying "this too shall pass..." and of course these hard times will move on, but we hope you can seek out kindness and support while they do.
Flowers

Banksy20 · 28/04/2020 09:43

Just re-read all the messages on here as I was a bit upset earlier. Thank you so much for all your kind words. I haven't ever posted on here before but I'm glad I did as it has definitely helped. I am hung up on the past and jealous that they have the family I always wanted so I need to work on detaching myself from both of these and focusing on the future with my daughter. She's my world and I want to be the best mum I can be. I know the tiredness won't be here forever, nor will she always be a baby so I'm off to cuddle her and cherish this time I have with her. I am going to seek out some counselling so I can deal with this fully and not risk getting so low again. Thanks to each and every one of you though, I appreciate you taking the time to reply! Stay safe everyone x

OP posts:
cocklepicker · 28/04/2020 10:04

They haven't got the family you've always wanted! They are a new couple, each with a child from a previous relationship. Which means two other people involved, not to mention numerous grandparents etc.

And he's a cheat, can't keep it in his pants for more than two minutes. He'll get bored and cheat on her too.

I don't know why you're hung up on the six months thing. It makes absolutely no difference at 8 months old. Your dd won't remember any of this regardless of whether they last that long or not.

The one reason your child can't be a 90 minute round trip from you is that she's EBF, until she's taking a bottle she won't be able to go.

This is jealousy, it will go away when you see him for what he is. You deserve better, much better. He's a pathetic childish cheat.

Inthepurplerain · 28/04/2020 10:06

You can do this op!
One day, you’ll be living in a house with the man of your dreams and your little girl.

And I’ll bet money on when you are, your ex will still be a waste of space, probably single and one day he’ll realise what he’s lost.

Time is the biggest healer. You are worth so much more than him.

dontdisturbmenow · 28/04/2020 10:27

OP, you are exhausted, totally exhausted mentally and physically. You need support to help you move on so you can focus on other aspects of your lives and learn to feel happiness again.

You also need to learn to seperate your feelings and fantasy about being back with him and dealing in the best way to accommodate visits that is right for everyone.

At the moment, the two are clouded. You are happy to hold on to the arrangement because deep inside each time he comes over, it is hope for you that you might change his mind and get a sense of that sharing the family with him you crave.

You fear that all hope will be lost if you start letting your DD go to him and his new family. This is not about your baby but you.

You say your girl is 8bmonth old so the 6 months must be coming to an end. She also should be able to go with her dad for a few hours without needing breastfeeding.

You will get over him, you really will. You'll fall in love again and won't believe how desperate you were for his love. You'll be happy and won't hurt any longer that he is with someone else. You'll be happy that your girl has a dad who loves her and did everything so she could be in her life. You won't mind so much that another woman is in her life because you will always be her mum and her only one.

Hold on tight for another day and things will gradually get better once you finally let him go.

ponchek · 28/04/2020 10:50

Banksy tears in my eyes that you are going off to snuggle with your daughter- yes! There you go! All the love is there for you to give, and receive 🙂💕

And HeyDuggee thank you 🙏 😊 I think we all feel the same, and I'm very glad together we are helping Banksy.

And I had another, practical thought:

Use lockdown, Banksy. She's a baby. You are with your parents. She's too small to go to his new household on her own. You can't mix households - it's not right for your household to be linked with his, hers, and her child's father's, etc.

I would personally say only photos and video calls are appropriate/legal within lockdown rules for now.

Lockdown can protect you and let you go cold turkey on this guy.

Stampy84 · 28/04/2020 18:35

@Banksy20 how did the rest of your day go? Hope you’re feeling a bit better 🙂

Banksy20 · 28/04/2020 19:47

@Stampy84 it drastically improved! Made a treasure box of things for my daughter to play with and had a lovely day just being present with her. Going to take one day at a time and focus on the present and future, not the past. Thank you for your message x

OP posts:
Bella2020 · 28/04/2020 20:17

OP, you seem such a loving and generous person. It's time to lavish some of your time and attention on yourself, to help build yourself back up again.