AIBU to want him not to bite my head off?

[volatility]

I don’t really know how to explain this but I’m going to try. I’ve been married over a decade with primary aged kids. My husband works hard in a job he loves, we’ve got a lovely house and no financial worries. Our kids are awesome. He does his share around the house and gets cracking on DIY and happily takes the kids out to give me a break. He’s not jealous or possessive. Doesn’t gamble, doesn’t drink, doesn’t spend his weekends out of the house doing sports. It should all be a lovely life...
But...
He has anger issues. That he takes out on me. Absolutely nothing physical and I’m not worried about that at all. It’s also very sporadic. We can go a few days (sometimes a week) of him being happy and talking to me in a nice, normal tone. Able to have a laugh. Chat. However, he’s unpredictable. One minute fine and then I might ask a question about something (today was a simple question about downloading a game the kids wanted) and he’ll immediately round on me like a furious Jack Russell terrier. Bark bark bark. Stomp off. It’s all over very quickly and he normally stomps away leaving me reeling, thinking WTF? Analysing what I’ve asked. Did I approach him badly? I used to get upset and cry but I don’t do that anymore because I guess I’m numb to it a bit? I’ve tried retorting/defending/answering back but it inflames things and makes it a lot worse. If I ignore and get on with my day he will sometimes come back having thought about things (over a cigarette) and apologise. Not always though. If he does come back and apologise then he expects/wants lots of hugs and kisses and for me to basically make him feel that it’s all ok. If I don’t do that or I don’t do it enough (all unspoken) then he’ll become moody and morose and unapproachable as the day wears on. It came to a head a few years ago and I told him to move out or go to counselling. He went which was positive but it hasn’t made any real difference to his ability to control himself in the moment. It has meant he is more likely to come back and apologise though. I used to think “everybody’s got their downsides” but I grew up with a father like this and I hated it. I couldn’t and still can’t have any conversation with my father without the fear of maybe getting my head bitten off. Why should I have to live like this? I spent my childhood not being able to ask questions or double guessing myself “do I really need to approach him with this”. Is this normal? Is every man like this? My husband says I expect him to be perfect but that’s not true. I just don’t want this oppressing/depressing feeling that getting my head bitten off leaves me with. It makes me feel like crap. It’s impacted my self esteem and left me not wanting to be intimate with him. It only started to get like this after we had kids. Before kids we used to just rub along quite nicely.
Is this just how people are and I’m BU to expect him not to lash out if he’s feeling stressed?

Does he have a thyroid issue? My cousin was like that, all good but snaps suddenly, turned out he had a thyroid disorder... Not necessarily whats causing ur partner's anger, but just a thought.

Otherwise, i cant deal with ppl like that. If u feel he's not trying to control himself, i'd review all my options and act on one after the lockdown (cuz clearly its making things worse).
Respect is missing, he needs to work on things, and realise u r serious. If he's generally good except for this, u need to weigh things out

@volatility this is nearly exactly my situation (well was) my husband was great in all areas except for his anger issues.
He used to do the same thing, when he was over it and wanted me to be also but I couldn't just get over it so quickly I was told that it was me keeping the tension/argument going 🙄

Long story short, we separated for just over 6 months and he got counselling.
He has now moved back in and has some better coping strategies to help his anger which doesn't even happen anymore, he of course gets frustrated by things as we all do but there are no more outbursts or sulking or silent treatment.

I think the counselling helped but I think the main thing that helped was I had threatened to leave so many times before and never did so when I was finally serious about it I think it made him realise what he had lost which motivated to actually work on his issues.

Food diary? See www.fedup.com.au for further reading.

Thanks for all the replies. Reading all with interest. Hadn’t thought it might be a food/thyroid issue? He doesn’t eat during the day and that’s when he’s most snappy so maybe there’s something in that?

I think you should get your ducks in a row for leaving him. Once you have a plan you can talk seriously about it. It's much easier to say 'if you don't change I'll be forced to divorce you' if you actually know you are in a position to divorce otherwise it is just you 'nagging' or threatening but not really meaning it.
The fact he comes back all nice means he knows it is wrong. I'm sure you lose respect for him when he behaves like this. And it's hard to love someone you have no respect for.

Why doesn’t he eat during day? Does he behave like this at work? I doubt it. So why is it okay for him to do it to you??
Living on eggshells is no way to live.

You should not have to put up with this. His behaviour is not acceptable. No excuse. He needs to sort himself out. Whatever it is. Do not put up with this any longer. You deserve better. Would he tolerate this angry, unprovoked behaviour from you? Of course not. Stop enabling him by telling yourself that everything else is good so maybe I should put up with this. He is being abusive. It makes no difference that it's not physical. Next time he gets angry and then apologies tell him that you won't accept his apology. Why should you? It's meaningless. Let him sulk. Hold your ground. He's only apologising to get what he wants. He makes excuses for himself. He accuses you of being unreasonable. "You want a perfect husband." He needs to change or you need to separate. Up to you whether he leaves or you do.

You point out that he's not abusive JUST has a short temper, are you sure?
You keep quiet to avoid being shouted at and you look for ways to blame yourself, you do not challenge his behaviour because there may be consequencesand the Non-Bullying, Non-coercive behaviour needn't be mentioned as if they balance it out, the coercion, shitty behavior and ranting is minimised . That's worrying.

'He apologises more', means absolutely fuck all. even if he believes "sorry" changes anything, he does not. But he knows that word means you cannot challenge him, he tried to fix it, he said sorry.

Except you can still tell him "You can Fuck the Fuck Off I don't want you or your bully boy bullshit apologies anywhere near me right now, I'l let you know when I've calmed down/stopped crying/hating you" (in your own words) You don't do this because there will be consequences.

"if he does come back and apologise then he expects/wants lots of hugs and kisses and for me to basically make him feel that it’s all ok".
This is so nasty. He makes a "sorry"noise and because of the sound he made he decides you OWE him some comfort......or he'll do more sulking and anger followed by the same sound later on.
What a wonderful way of coercing/threatening you, but who cares? it's only you and you don't complain too much. If you do he brings on the sulking aka "The Warning Silence", so you don't enforce your own boundaries.

Counselling didn't work. You are NOT supposed to be nervous around normal daily life unless there;s a nasty bastard in that life.

Lots of excuses here...thyroid, hangry....ask yourself if he behaves like this towards anyone else? Does he do this to a colleague or boss? I'll take a bet that the answer is no, and he only does this to you. He is, therefore, abusing and controlling you with his temper and sulks. He is an abusive twat. Lots of advise on how to deal with these on many threads on this board.

As for thyroid, does he blow up at anyone else? or does he only do that at home?

I have a relative like this. Get into an absolute sudden uncontrollable rage over nothing if they don't eat regularly. Also had a thyroid issue at one point. My god, the tantrums! It affected our relationship badly for years but they have now mellowed thankfully. At the end of the day though it's your husband's responsibility. I'm always bewildered and think, well, they can't possibly enjoy feeling like that, why won't they do something about it? But blame is always deflected on you, 'this is me, accept me for who I am'

Lockdown has heightened everything but as you say this has been going on for years I would make a Plan B to leave so you can give him an ultimatum when this is all over and be able to stick to it.

@lilmishap

Great post.

Of course this is not normal.

Extremely controlling.

He's allowed to tantrum but you are NOT allowed to react to anything he does.

No wonder you don't want him near you.

I agree with above, he believes he can treat you like his emotional punching bag.

He's not going to change if you allow the status quo to continue.

Get organised.
Contact family.
Contact friends.
Do this tomorrow.
This will help you feel less alone.

When things are quiet you tell him that ye need to talk.
That you are NOT happy.
That you are no longer prepared to accept his behaviour.
That you have reached out to family.
That you want to separate.
That your feelings have changed.
That you no longer like him.
You know longer want sex with him.
That his explosive anger is abusive and that he has spoilt your marriage.

No point in holding back.

Obviously he will be surprised because he absolutely thinks his behaviour is acceptable.

You need him to realise HE needs anger management and to want to fix it.

Him moving out to do this is the best option.

His explosive anger is extremely abusive.

You grew up with it.
You know your children can feel it.

The best hope for you is by spelling out the seriousness of the damage done to your relationship, that you want him out of the house and you are prepared to divorce him, will be the impetus he needs to deal with his anger.

If you allow this continue, your marriage is doomed.
Your love will be gone and him being prepared to try and fix it in a couple of years time, will be too late.

The time is now.
When it can be saved.

Don't try and lay a road map for him of what he needs to do.

You want him out.

He needs to want to fix himself.

It is truly awful to be living the wsy you do.

I think your marriage is hanging by a thread.

Reading between the lines, I don't think you actually really like being around him anymore.

Why would you?

You are living with a ticking bomb.

First thing this morning, call those who care about you.

I could have written your post, well most of it. You know it’s not normal, just like I do. I’ve been pretty impressed at how DH and I have managed in lockdown, and then last night he just has an almighty strop. He doesn’t shout and isn’t violent but is visibly VERY angry. he didn’t like that it was late and I wanted coffee. I can’t even remember what he said but he stomped off upstairs and is still angry this morning. When he is like this I want to leave. I’d rather be on my own (with DC) than be made to feel this awful. But then it passes . And it’s not as often as you describe. I’ve asked him to leave before, but I don’t want my marriage to end and we have always worked it out......until the next time. I think every time I step a little closer to being brave enough to end it, but I’m not there yet. I don’t think being a single parent is a barrel of laughs either and I don’t know anyone IRL who has a blissfully happy marriage.....this is just how my marriage isn’t happy. Sending solidarity.

Ps the number of people who can attribute their anger issues to a health problem is almost as rare as hens teeth.

No it's not normal
Your children will grow up like you, not wanting to ask Dad anything in case he's angry

Its abusive