I really donât know what to do anymore. Me and my fiancĂ© have been together for 8 years, we were due to get married next year but due to finances it wonât be possible. However we have got many other issues at the moment.
My partners dad sadly passed away a few days before Xmas 2 years ago. At the time I was actually suffering from delayed grieving for my own dad, who passed away when I was a teenager and I never grieved him at the time, I didnât have any family apart from my mother and she suffers with her MH so neither of us really knew how to cope with my dads passing. So when I was going through the delayed grieving (took a while to establish thatâs why I was so depressed) but I started having counselling , I feel it did me the world of good and I finally could talk about things and get it off my chest, however at the same time my partners dad unexpectedly passed away after suffering a bleed on the brain. My partner and his dad always had a very strained relationship, and they had only recently started talking properly to each other. My parter would say awful stuff out of anger about his father when they argued, stuff like âI wish he deadâ it was horrible to hear because firstly you just donât say that but also having lost my dad at a young age I thought it was so inconsiderate to say that. I feel my partner has some regret and guilt over the stuff he said but hasnât actually said that to me.
I also saw that my partners dad didnât make any effort to help their relationship and would always go out of his way to help his other children.
After my partners dad passed away, I was there for my partner and his family 110% I was there every step of the way whilst I was dealing with my own grief. A few months later my partner started not dealing with things too well, which was expected after losing his father. My partner had issues with work and the way they handled his grieving, again I was there every step, but he also had a couple of counselling sessions but didnât like counselling.
After a year had passed my partner started taking it out on me, and I mean every thing. He would go through my phone whilst I was sleeping, he would hack my social media accounts, he would constantly ask who I was speaking to, I went to the cinema with one of my girl friends from work and he didnât believe I was going with her. He only believed me when he physically saw me and her getting in the car together, he accused me of cheating because his gut was telling him, after every night out that I had he would check through my phone and my pictures and ask if any boys were out. He questioned me one night whether anyone has messaged me, I handed him my phone and said no, I had been drinking after a works party but he decided to question me when I got home. However Iâd had a message from some guy 2 weeks before this night, on Instagram who Iâve never met, never spoke to or never seen in person, from the gym I go to, he said he added me just as heâd seen I go to that gym, I said back thatâs fine and just followed him back out of politeness, nothing more to it and that was the end of the conversation. How because I said ânoâ when asked if anyoneâs messaged me even though I gave my partner my phone to look through heâs held it against me for over a year and says there discrepancies in my story and thatâs why he has trust issues. Now my partner would go out a lot more often than me, and also followed girls from the gym and also a girl that he met on a night out but swears theres nothing to it, he also likes girls profile pictures but Iâm just supposed to accept it, which I do as Iâm pretty laid back, and I kind of feel Iâve been too laid back with him during our relationship and heâs taken advantage of that. But I told my partner that he questioned me about that message whilst I was drunk and I gave him my phone so why would I give him my phone if i was hiding anything? I even blocked the guy who messaged me the next day to show my partner thereâs nothing to it at all. Oh also the message my partner was referring to, he had already read it as the night before he has gone through my phone whilst I was sleeping and I know this as I had unread messages from friends that he had opened and he admitted to it too.
My partner has also accused of lying about my finances and outgoings, even though he knows all of my outgoings but lies and says he doesnât, I had given him a list of my outgoings, 3 times over a few months. But I never ask for anything like this from him. He also wanted me to print out a years worth of bank statements and payslips to give to him, when i refused to do this as I said heâs being unreasonable he held it against me and just said he didnât know where my money was going, Iâve had to get a new car within the last year and because we were planning to get married and start a family I bought a family car, so my finances havenât been great and my income was pretty much the same as my outgoings. My partner had a lot of inheritance money when he dad passed so he bought a very expensive sports car outright, so I feel he doesnât understand how much Iâm actually struggling with finances and I personally feel it was quite selfish that he bought a car that was completely impractical and leaving me with no option, when I would suggest a family car to him he would tell me itâs his money.
We have had 7 counselling sessions and the counsellor has told my partner that heâs being unreasonable, we have gone over the fact itâs his grief thats causing him to react this way, the counsellor told him that there is nothing more I can do and he needs to soothe his emotions otherwise if me and my partner end he will be like this in every relationship he has.
Fast forward 2 months and my partner has stopped looking through my phone etc, but we still have bad arguments, although my partner says theyâre just discussions. We argue over intimacy mostly. Iâll be honest we very rarely have sex and that is probably mainly because of me. The first reason is whenever I feel my partner wants to have sex he will be nice to me, and then after we have had sex, a day or 2 later he goes back to his old ways, Iâve told him how I feel and he just blew up and accused me of accusing him of using me for sex, but got unbelievably angry and irate. The 2nd is the amount of times heâs accused me of lying, cheating or being shady makes me think why would he want to have sex with me if thatâs the case and I donât want sex with him because all he does is put me down and make up these horrible accusations.
Iâm also really really struggling to try and move on from this, for the whole of last year it was constant. I feel like our relationship has completely changed, I donât know if theres any coming back from this. Even when we have our good days I just donât feel happy. Iâve expressed how I feel but he just doesnât seem to listen, we own a house together and back in March he left for a week to see if he still wanted to be with me, when he came back we talked about things and I told him that I donât see us getting married, so he said ok weâll just postpone the wedding, but said he wants to be with me. Iâve told him that if we arenât happy then we shouldnât be together as itâs not fair on either of us, but just like in counselling i feel it goes in one ear and out the other. My partner has a go at me and tells me I need to move on and I need to get over it, but when he was grieving I didnât tell him to move on. Heâs also only recently admitted that it was his grief that made him react how he did, even though the whole of last year and during counselling he was hellbent on blaming eveything on me, heâs told his family and friends that itâs because of me, they all think Iâm shady and he shouldnât give me any more chances, but I havenât actually done anything wrong. I havenât had any apology and he doesnât seem to have any regret or be remorseful over how heâs treated me. I saw a quote that said âif you donât heal what hurt you youâll bleed on people that didnât cut youâ and this is how I feel. I feel angry, upset, hurt, confused and before the last year happened I felt I was stronger than ever, I had dealt with my delayed grieving, I was on the right path and now my partner taking his grief out on me to the extreme, has made me feel depressed. I just donât know what to do.