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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my husband to put the boys to bed? 4 and 6

21 replies

2020hello · 27/04/2020 19:58

Hi all just a little input as to your ideas with regards to the below please?

Husband goes to work 7am to 5:30pm home by 6pm (out of the house).

I wfh 5:30 to 1pm then try to home school the 6 year old with the tasks that school have sent through. The year old mainly runs riot, any tips for dicipline with these ages and wfh would be useful too..

I make sure they are dressed in the mornings and get breakfast then I let them watch TV while I get work done, it's not ideal but I need to fit in 7 hours every day at least as I'm very busy.

I cook them dinner for 6pm.

The house is not as perfect and tidy as it could be, I could do better at this and there are toys on the floor when he gets home but I'd rather just tidy up later.

Anyway so he still wants to share bed time responsibility and do one each. I mostly dont mind but some days I just want to sit and do nothing. Maybe that's just me being lazy I guess. He moans if he has to do bedtime on his own and put kids to bed but I say hes only seen them for 1 hour least he could do was deal with them, but he said hes tired from working all day and paying the Bill's, (he doesn't pay all the Bill's I pay all childcare and half of the mortgage and items for the boys school uniform etc. )

Sorry it's a long one, what do you think, am I being unreasonable wanting him to put them to bed without my input?

OP posts:

M0mmyneedswine · 27/04/2020 20:16

Why not alternate days so you both get an evening to relax

Original poster

2020hello · 27/04/2020 21:01

I dont expect him to do every night just a few without moaning

OP posts:

vanillandhoney · 27/04/2020 21:16

I think you should both get an evening "off" from the boys - you do one night, he does the next.

But the person who isn't doing bedtime should do dishes/clear up downstairs etc.

Poptart4 · 27/04/2020 21:27

We do one night on one night off. Its fair and gives us both nights off.

DamnYankee · 27/04/2020 21:35

YANBU

Lemonblast · 27/04/2020 21:38

You want him to put them to bed EVERY night? Yeah YABU.

roses2 · 27/04/2020 21:40

You're with the kids all day long - he is being very unreasonable!

You wake up ~5am. What time does he get up?

BuffaloCauliflower · 27/04/2020 21:40

Not unreasonable at all. You’re also working a full day of hours plus everything else, why does he get to do his job and nothing else, when you’re just as much work and everything else?! Alternating evenings still wouldn’t be fair is the only thing he’s doing is going to work, but it would be a start

AmelieTaylor · 27/04/2020 21:41

If he's been out at work all day & you have been working/looking after the kids all day - why do you feel entitled to 'time out' while he puts both boys to bed? Surely sharing that or better still one of you doing that & the other tidying up makes sense?

...waiting for the much anticipated drip feed...

BuffaloCauliflower · 27/04/2020 21:41

@Lemonblast clearly says she’s not asking that, though considering she’s doing way more all day as it is it might be a more equal split if he did do every day

Porridgeoat · 27/04/2020 21:44

Does he get a child free lunch break? I recon you should have the equivalent daily

Dishwashersaurous · 27/04/2020 21:44

Actually taking it in terms during the week would be fair then you both get some downtime.

Although homeschool is exhausting so actually he should offer to do more

Porridgeoat · 27/04/2020 21:45

It must be a nightmare to multi task looking after the kids while working. A commute seems quite attractive

Lemonblast · 27/04/2020 21:47

Buffalo I took it to mean she doesn’t think he should be asking her to help by putting one child to bed? Assume that’s every night? Happy to stand corrected.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2020 22:01

Do you currently put them both to bed but if he pitches in he expects you to do one child each?

If you can manage them both so should he. Alternate nights.

Toy mess and bill paying are irrelevant. You’re wfh ft and home schooling, he’s lucky it’s just messy at the moment! And you’re both working and contributing and you’re currently much busier than he is so he should wind his neck in and show a bit of appreciation rather than griping.

MumUndone · 27/04/2020 22:09

OP does 7 hours of work AND looks after the kids ALL day. Of course it's reasonable for her OH to put both the kids to bed every night..He has the much easier ride going out to work.

I think all of you who are suggesting otherwise think childcare is women's work, or that OP's job isn't as important because she's a women. You'll deny it but underneath it all, I guarantee that's the sad reality.

billy1966 · 27/04/2020 22:20

Of course YANBU.

Extremely stressful to work full time and mind them.

Not unreasonable at all for him to do bedtime.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 27/04/2020 22:24

Working from home while looking after two kids, cooking for them, clearing up after them, stopping them destroying stuff and fighting as well as school work and without reducing your hours is absolutely exhausting. You are doing childcare plus working while he is just working and presumably getting lunch breaks and commuting time to himself plus a change of scene from day to evening which helps a lot mentally.

He is being unreasonable if he can't see that at the moment you have it much harder than him and if he doesn't want to help. Basically you are fitting a LOT more than normal into your day, and he is refusing to fit anything more than his usual activities into the day, as otherwise its 'unfair'!? He sounds like he has no empathy or kindness to be honest. I know a couple who always have to be fair - take turns to pay, equal hours of housework, jobs, kids stuff etc...it seems petty and turns everything into a competition and makes them less inclined to help each other out as it would swing the balance in the others favour.

LannieDuck · 27/04/2020 22:47

It sounds like his routine is the same as it was pre-covid, whereas yours has become massively more stressful? I think in that case, YANBU.

SallyLovesCheese · 27/04/2020 23:39

OP, if you were "just" doing 9am-1pm of wfh and then school work, I could maybe just about see his point of view.

But you're doing 7 hours of work and childcare at the same time. Then a further 5 hours of childcare including cooking dinner. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to put them to bed every night. You're effectively doing two jobs. At the weekends things can, and should, be shared out equally (please tell me he cooks you dinner at the weekend at least one evening) but in the week he needs to accept that you're juggling two things at once.

Original poster

2020hello · 28/04/2020 13:26

He does have the Sundays I.e will take them for a walk and be around the house but I still get them up.

He will cook the boys dinner on weekends which is good.

Not much to drop feed I think my post was quite full.

I dont expect it every night, I'd much rather do every other and have mentioned this about taking it in turns but he would rather split each night as it's easier it's too stressful dealing with both at bedtime.
He says he gets them at the worst time of day sonits worse doing bedtime.

He gets up 15 mins before work and he gets to work at either 7am or 8am.

We started this with him getting the boys dressed and giving them breakfast when he had to start work at 9am but that was only for a week.

He is great at weekends it's just a bit much at the moment in the week.

I think I will mention again about alternate evenings.

It's just when I put the boys to bed we are up stairs by 7pm bath and stories and asleep by 7.30 but he dwindles and then they dont get to sleep until 8.30 so then we both lose the evening

OP posts:

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