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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU relationship breakdown

15 replies

SGIB14 · 27/04/2020 16:37

Ok so I'm currently heartbroken, been left with a 5 year old and a 10 month old who has respiratory issues which is obv stressful during COVID and my partner left me and has told me he doesnt love me anymore.
It is kind of my fault though because he's not lifted a finger since being off and I mean literally, got to the point he wouldn't even put his rubbish in the bin. I've asked him repeatedly to help but in the 10 months since the baby came he hasn't done anything in the house to help ever or with the kids. He tells me that's my job as he works during the week. Normally I'd just let this slide as he does go to work and I do stay at home but suddenly he tells me I have no opinion on how the money he earns is spent, he took 2000 out my account and spent it on fifa without my permission and when I confronted him he said he'd earnt it so he could spend it on what he wanted.
Anyway back to my fault bit.. He asked if his daughter could come and stay for 2 weeks and I said no. The reason I said no is I have my hands so full and I'm totally overwhelmed and I get no help as it is. I'd offered she came to stop for a week and said it would be a struggle and he'd turned that idea down but then suggested 2 weeks. (we normally have her every other weekend - so never had her for that amount of time before) He suggested two weeks because her mum isn't self isolating and she's already had hand foot and mouth during this which obviously I feel so worried about but like I said I have a baby with respiratory issues so need to protect him. So end result was massive argument and our relationship ending. I'm devastated as I truely love him although I know his behaviour is a bit rubbish towards me. Sorry this message is all over the place and probably doesn't make sense. I'm just so sad

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 27/04/2020 16:51

None of it's your fault. You already have 2 kids and a man child to look after why would you want to have to look after another. Plus if he did look after his other child it would make you even more resentful because one child but not the others.
You are 100% better off without someone like that.

KC225 · 27/04/2020 17:01

I agree with the above poster, it is not your fault. You feel sad and you may still be in love with him but all I see is a rude entitled arse that you will be better off without in the long run.

You may not want to hear this but it sounds as if he checked out a while ago and picked a fight to get out. Not lifting a finger during lockdown when you have a five year and a child under one are not the actions of a loving, supportive family man.

Do you have a support network that can help with support advice/childcare whilst you sort everything out.

Jupiters · 27/04/2020 17:02

Like @strawberry2017 says your going to be 100% better without him. He doesn't sound like new is adding anything positive to your life.

sandragreen · 27/04/2020 17:02

Are you married? If so, get lawyered up.

If not, contact CSA and clear out as much as you can from any joint accounts - obviously if he can do it so can you!

How did he get access to what you describe as "your account"? Make sure he cannot get his mitts on any money he shouldn't. Change passwords, change the locks.

Do you rent or own? Whose name is property in? Flowers

tensmum1964 · 27/04/2020 17:11

I'm sorry this had happened to you. Its very raw at the minute but you say you love him. It might help.to write down what exactly you love about him. Is it the lack of help around the house and children. The using family money for games/gambling, sorry not sure what Fifa is. Is it the complete lack of respect he has for you etc etc. I don't mean this to be harsh but from what you have said I genuinely dont understand what part of him you love. I understand if you feel dependant, frightened to raise your children alone,sad that your relationship has ended and various other things but how can you love someone that treats you like this. I know this isnt helpful right now but love of a partner is a choice. You need to choose to love yourself and get this useless lump out of your life. You will be happier in the long run.

lastqueenofscotland · 27/04/2020 17:14

None of it is your fault. He sounds awful. You are well rid.

BurnIt · 27/04/2020 17:15

He isnt a BIT rubbish. He sounds like a complete arse. I can't see how this is your fault. I know it seems dreadful now but you cant fail to be better off without this useless article

You are blinded by your situation at the mo. But you will be fine. You deserve someone to at least treat you nicely.

AlwaysCheddar · 27/04/2020 17:36

Yabu for saying this is your fault as is isn’t. Otherwise your ex is the dick. Sounds like you’ll be better off without him.

Curiosity101 · 27/04/2020 17:43

None of this is your fault. I know it won't feel like it now but it really does sound like in the long run you'll be better off without him around.

his behaviour is a bit rubbish towards me

Based on what you've described he's treated you pretty badly.

For comparison - my husband works fulltime and I'm on maternity leave. Once he's home from work we do 50:50 child and house care. At weekends we do 50:50 child and house care. The money he makes is family money, there have been times where I have earned more than him and times when I've earned less - but we've always shared.

You deserve someone who will treat you properly and I hope at some point in the future when the dust has settled you see that.

I agree with PPs that you should protect your money ASAP and also look into claiming benefits if he was the sole income.

Good luck with everything.

gobbynorthernbird · 27/04/2020 17:47

I voted YABU because you should be ecstatic that you don't have to deal with this lazy prick any more.

Andromeida59 · 27/04/2020 17:56

You are not being unreasonable. However, get online/on the phone to the bank and transfer any joint money to your private account. He's shown he can't be trusted.
Don't worry about coping on your own. You've been doing it anyway.

Cookiemonster92 · 27/04/2020 18:15

YANBU to put your foot down! Life is hard enough with 2 children, let alone a man child! He doesn’t add anything positive to your life, just more stress! It’s heartbreaking to lost all hope that he will change for the better, but realistically he won’t change, and you’ll be better off in the long run for it! You’ve got this, you sound immensely strong OP.

SGIB14 · 27/04/2020 18:35

Oh guys I'm sat here in tears thank you all so much for replying. During moments of calm today I've managed to apply for benefits until I can get myself sorted and I secured my finances the day I found out he'd taken the money.
I know I should be feeling alright about it because my head tells me the boys and I deserve better but my heart hurts for the man I fell in love with not the one that's just left. Luckily the house is only in my name as I had it before I even met him and we're not married so it's pretty clean cut really obviously apart from the kids but I just can't shift the hurt I have in my chest and the want for the family and the dreams we had. I'm sure it's just a case of coming to terms with it. Like I've said I've got to protect the baby due to his health issues so I can't get any help from anyone really, apart from over the phone but my 5 year old is devastated so I'm trying not to speak to anyone around him which doesn't help my situation I guess but I am really thankful for the support and even the kick up the arse type of comments as I think that's what I need to stay strong xxxx

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 27/04/2020 18:48

Oh sweetheart I have read so many posts just like yours over the years on here.
Truly, you should be celebrating.
He's a waste of space, at the very least.
You're better on your own than with a useless waster like that.
Bullet dodged!
Dare I say congratulations?! Remember the date as you might want to celebrate it next year - I very much hope you do.

tensmum1964 · 27/04/2020 18:55

It will take a while but one day you will realise that he did you a favour. Take care xx

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