Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think WTAF?

53 replies

Northernsoulgirl45 · 27/04/2020 02:44

So dh is in the shielding category. I still have to go out for groceries etc so we are supposed to practice social distancing at home.
In all honesty we are not totally following it as I am still preparing his meals and fetching drinks etc as he can't carry stuff. But being very careful.
Anyway obviously all the kids personal care falls to me. 2 have additional needs plus housework etc etc so at weekends I am super busy and he can relax as his condition prevents him from doing much.
Anyway the wtaf moment came when I received a booty call text.
Obviously I know we cant carry on like this so looking at options for home delivery etc
but tbh this feels wrong on two levels.
One why the hell would you risk you health for sex.
Plus if you are too ill to help at all around the house than surely you are too ill for sex.
By hellp around the house I medn naybe washing up a few places or clearing up your mess.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 27/04/2020 08:47

Surely you would be better to just be very careful about how you shop but live as normal at home? Unless he is incredibly vulnerable what you describe seems overkill.

DW does our shopping. She wears gloves and mask. Taking off the mask correctly is the key part: dispose of gloves, sterilise hands, dispose of mask and sterilise again.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2020 08:48

@FreakStar

You've never heard that expression before? It's originally from the US but pretty common now.

OP, does your husband live in the bedroom and never come out?

What was life like before? Did he work outside the home?

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 27/04/2020 10:00

He has for the most part continued to work. Currently wfh in study as has office job. I am self employed but hoping to restart work once lockdown lifted. So during the week in the day there is some balance at least.
I think that when he registered for support he ticked that he had help. Hence not ln supermarket lists. Will get him to change this.
However he will be told that I am not really in the mood after being everyone's maid all day.
Tbh I just feel invisible right now. I trod on LEGO the other dsy and howled. Not one person asked if I was ok. DH was in the ssme room but different sides.
I just feel invisible most of the time.

OP posts:
Achangeisadgoodasarest · 27/04/2020 10:09

Sounds a bit shit for you OP. How old are your DC?
I’m in the shielding group and registered online, I tucked that I had someone to shop for me, my DH is fine, but I still got priority slots for tesco, Asda and Sainsburys. So give it a go.
It’s impossible for us to distance at home, so we have to shield until June. I’m not actually ill day to day though, so of course I still do cooking, housework, homeschool, WFH, and so does DH. We are a team, which sounds like you’re not at the moment. Hopefully you can give him a kick up the arse and he will start appreciating you a bit more.

Achangeisadgoodasarest · 27/04/2020 10:10

I meant we all have to shield, so that I can mix with them at home.

circusintown · 27/04/2020 10:27

You should be able to get a delivery slot even though he ticked he can get help.

Why can't he carry drinks or wash up but can have sex and work in a study?

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 27/04/2020 10:32

My eldest without additional needs is 15 and will help but not enough. The two with additional needs are 13 and 6 and trying to do any kind of homeschooling with them is challenging. In process of diagnosis.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 27/04/2020 10:34

Arthritis. Has always said that a day at wirk wipes him out but tbh that doesn't ring true at weekends.

OP posts:
StripeyLurcher · 27/04/2020 10:42

If you were able to stay in the whole time then dh could mix with the family including doing things to help out as much as he's able. Even if it's just supervising the younger children and some very light housework while you have a rest that would be a help.

Lochroy · 27/04/2020 10:48

I would 100% be asking for help. It must be impossible to shield in the same house as someone. Then he needs to get of his butt as much as he can and help, or at least be mental support and available for chats. Sex can wait!!!

Thighmageddon · 27/04/2020 10:48

Is he actually in the shielding group?

I'm high risk with inflammatory arthritis but I'm still helping out at home.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 27/04/2020 10:51

I am starting to come round to that way of thinking but it is hard being cooped up till middle June at the earliest. Dh isn't really an outdoorsy type but I am and our garden is tiny. It also lookd better than ever.
Hopefully we can find a way of getting delivery slots and can call in some favours as dd2 will only eat certain foods from certain shops (ARFID) and one of these shops doesn't deliver.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 27/04/2020 10:52

In shielding group due to medication. We have the letters but no idea why not properly registered for home shopping.

OP posts:
Thighmageddon · 27/04/2020 10:57

There seems to be a lack of consistency with who should be in the shielding group.

If he's on a DMARD and or a biologic without any other co-morbids then his risk isn't huge.

Yes having arthritis can be draining, painful etc but he should be making some contribution ,no matter how small, at the weekends.

JoesExotic · 27/04/2020 11:00

He's taking the piss massively! That'd put me off sex indefinitely tbh.

Thighmageddon · 27/04/2020 11:02

Oh and I should've added, when I've been really unwell with my arthritis because it wasn't properly controlled. No I couldn't do very much in the house but equally sex was the furthest thing from my mind.

Achangeisadgoodasarest · 27/04/2020 11:08

He should at least supervise the kids so you can go out for some exercise/fresh air, there a plenty of women with chronic and painful conditions who still manage to look after their own kids!

PhilCornwall1 · 27/04/2020 11:14

OP, I have severe RA, not sure if your husbands is RA or not (CRP currently 43, Rheumatoid Factor of 572, yep these are high) and whilst it's bloody painful for me, I am able to get through a days work, as long as I take painkillers. I'm not wiped out at the end of the day, but I am tired. He most certainly should be able to doing things around the house to help you. I've done the gardens this weekend and shared the load with the housework. Yes it did hurt, but it could be done.

I am in the shielding group as I'm on a DMARD (Methotrexate) and a biologic (adalimumab), but have to shield due to having had additional drug treatment in the last 3 months. I received my shielding letter and a flowchart explaining why I should shield, but as a PP has said, a DMARD and biologic does not automatically put you in the shielding group.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/04/2020 11:14

Can you not get priority supermarket delivery slots if your husband is in the vulnerable category?

(Misses point of thread...)

orvilletheduck · 27/04/2020 11:29

I received a shielding letter due to arthritis medication. However I am still doing everything around the house, educating our son, cleaning etc. My DH is doing any trips to the shop for things we can't get delivered, and the chemist etc but otherwise not much else due to depression. In reality locking myself away from everyone for weeks isn't practical, possible or reasonable.

It makes me angry to read your post. Your DH is at it! There is nothing in the ADVICE letter (advice not instruction) that says to be completely useless and only have contact with your family on your terms. If he is really unwell then fair enough, but as he is able to work a normal day at home and 'booty call' you then he is likely able to help out more. He could cook for you all and clean the house while maintaining distance for example, if he's really that worried (which he clearly isn't).
Call him out on it. He can't expect sex when he isn't prepared to participate in the household in any way due to 'shielding'.

Thighmageddon · 27/04/2020 11:35

Orville exactly, if he has the energy to have his personal needs met then he has the energy to look after his children or do a few tasks around the house (obvs dependant on any damage to his body).

Having arthritis is not a complete get out of life tasks card. I work full time, well I did but am furloughed. Yes I'm exhausted when I come home from work I take pain killers so I can do stuff in the house on days off. I do not expect my dh to do everything, we share albeit he will often do more than me but I still put the washing on, load the dishwasher etc.

orvilletheduck · 27/04/2020 11:36

Regarding supermarket delivery priority, he has to send a text to a number in the shielding letter to register for assistance. They contact the supermarkets to match his details if he is already registered for home delivery. The major supermarkets will then contact him so he can access priority deliveries. If your DH isn't registered for home delivery there is a process that can be accessed through the contact info in the shielding letter I believe. There was no box to tick to say I had assistance

Nicklebox · 27/04/2020 11:49

My husband has RA and is on methotrexate he hasn't had a letter. He is working from home. . We have read online that people on methotrexate are at moderate risk. I do not have a paid job and therefore always have done the bulk of the housework and i am doing all the shopping atm as i don't want him to put himself at risk.

FluffyAragog · 27/04/2020 11:49

Your DH is massively taking the piss. I've got as yet uncontrolled RA. I look after my 2 children each day, help with school work, clean, play. Absolutely knackered by the end of the day and sore but I just have to suck it up and get on with it. I also got a shielding letter, DH showers when he gets home. That's about as far as we've gone because it's impossible to social distance in our house. If he's well enough to concentrate on WFH and texting you for a shag, he's well enough to help out around the house.

springydaff · 27/04/2020 12:39

it feels wrong asking others for help when I can still physically shop and collect prescriptions etc.

Don't be daft! I'm sure most of us can physically do all those things but you're living with someone in a shielding group so OF COURSE you ask others for help! Insane to be tip-toeing around your own house.

I really hate to say this but you're coming across as a martyr. Really sorry, its a strong word but why on earth would you do all this when you simply don't have to at all??