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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum has an excuse for everything!

66 replies

summerrose11 · 26/04/2020 23:06

Aibu to be raging. My mum literally has an excuse for everything. I say black she says white.
I mentioned today that my BIL is flouting the isolation rules and going for a bike ride today with one of his mates. My mums excuse ah well if they keep 2m away from each other then that's fine. I'd like to think she was joking, she wasn't.
Just now seen on fb family friends, that happens to be one of my mums good friends is having a small gathering with alcohol. Video was posted of doing some stupid challenge. Family from different households there, other people I didn't know where there. I mention to my mum again. Doesn't acknowledge the gathering and comments on the MH of one person there and excuses her to say she can't help her MH. Wtf
This is not the only time she will excuse though. If my abusive ex has done something I'll ask for advice or an opinion. She knows he's abusive but always has an excuse for him even though she hates him.
She had an excuse when we thought my sister had coronavirus but just popped to my mums house for the morning but didn't tell our mum she had a fever and felt ill. She excused that too.
Aibu to be enraged. I've had enough of her pathetic excuses.

OP posts:

EdgarAllenCrow · 27/04/2020 08:13

Maybe you just need to concentrate on your own life and not get so wound up about things. And don't expect other people to be as wound up as you are either.

Baconisgoodformeee · 27/04/2020 08:18

Yes some people are like this. They seem to have a pathological inability to agree with you and have to find a way to play devil’s advocate and see the ‘other side’.

Of course, some are the other way and unfailingly agree with everything you say...

MsJaneAusten · 27/04/2020 08:20

Is it less that she’s disagreeing with you, and more that she’s trying to calm you down?

You want her to agree and to validate your feelings, but she sees it as her role to calm you?

HowFurloughCanYouGo · 27/04/2020 08:23

Cycling together or drinking together is not going to end well.

You can do these things at a distance.
People stand outside their homes and clap on a Thursday.
Would it be so different to drink wine and chat after? Not really.

The OP didn't mention the distance between them.
But I'm sure she will now.

SturdyFriend · 27/04/2020 08:24

Like a pp I also have a family member who takes the opposite side to everything I say and yes it is frustrating because normal conversation is all but impossible. On a deeper level, it is also pretty much impossible to go to this person for any kind of support with anything, and so I can see how it's upsetting that you can't go to your mum for support, because she's never "on your side", as it were - and she should be ; she's your mum fgs.

Presumably she has her reasons as to why she has this type of unhelpful combative relationship with you and at some level she has chosen it; as such, she is unlikely to change.

I did challenge my own family member about this one time and it did not end well at all. So you could try with your mum but after a certain amount of time she'll have become invested in the way she has of relating to you.

I'm sorry OP. I hope you have other people around you who are nicer to you.

TheSkyWasDark · 27/04/2020 08:25

"My friend came to drop something off for me a few days ago. We stood well away from one another and chatted outside for a little while. I wouldn’t have gone anywhere together. We would probably have ended up too close to one another. Cycling together or drinking together is not going to end well."

TBF, standing outside chatting with friends is against the rules too so not sure why you're getting wound up with others not following them.

CherryPavlova · 27/04/2020 08:32

She’s more tolerant and accepting than you. That’s no bad thing. Not everything has to create extreme rage. Sometimes dismissing small things that have no direct consequences on you is healthier.

onanothertrain · 27/04/2020 08:34

I wonder if she is getting fed up with you talking about people breaking the rules and how we'll all get a killer virus because of people cycling.

recycledbottle · 27/04/2020 08:34

I do this ill admit. Other than ex story the rest are none of your business. I get uncomfortable with bitching about people and so diffuse to try move on from the topic and stem the bitching. I only do this to a few people who tend to see the bad in everyone and dont have a natural ability to see both sides. The ex story is different though. I dont agree with that.

TDMN · 27/04/2020 08:37

My mum did this for years when I was younger... i was always a bit hotheaded about stuff so she'd end up playing devils advocate so i'd try and see the other side of the story. I will admit i am quite rigid in my thinking sometimes, so did need this at first but it continued way into my early twenties and ended up being quite hurtful, especially when it came to ex boyfriends, so i called her out on it one day and to her credit she is much more balanced now. Might be worth pointing out to her that thats what she's doing? (Maybe not in the heat of the moment)

EthelMayFergus · 27/04/2020 08:41

I can see that it would be annoying for her to do it all the time, however I would hate for my dd to criticise my friends and would find it difficult to listen to let alone agree with.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/04/2020 08:42

@HowFurloughCanYouGo

Are you serious?!

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-52313715

Proppedupinbed · 27/04/2020 08:47

It's not really about who is right or wrong it is her attitude to you. She dismisses what you say, argues the point.

Yes some people are like this. They seem to have a pathological inability to agree with you and have to find a way to play devil’s advocate and see the ‘other side’.

Like a pp I also have a family member who takes the opposite side to everything I say and yes it is frustrating because normal conversation is all but impossible.

Some posters really understand this. My mum is like this. It drives me mad. My husband too! I think I married my mum. There is nothing they like better than contradicting someone pointlessly and then hearing "you're so right". They also hate it when it is pointed out that they held the opposite opinion two weeks ago.

I treat it as a mostly annoying tick to ignore unless I genuinely care about what I am talking about. I have started saying "this is important to me because ....", which sometimes makes at least one of them think that saying black is white for the sake of it can be confronting for the other person.

Pixiemeat · 27/04/2020 08:48

I get it OP. I have a close family member who sounds very similar. They dismiss my opinions, are unsupportive, will pick a stranger to support over me! They also make up little lies to support whatever I’ll-advised thing they happen to be doing at that moment. Lots of little things but It’s exhausting.

ChicCroissant · 27/04/2020 08:49

With the exception of your ex, you do sound rather judgy and complain a lot about other people, OP. Yet you see it as your mother making 'pathetic excuses' for them? Is this some kind of reverse?

It's not pleasant to listen to someone who constantly complains and criticises the actions of other people, so if this is a reverse - whoever is doing the complaining is unreasonable!

Weakandwary · 27/04/2020 08:49

The joys of mothers that you don't see eye to eye with. I probably don't agree with 80% of what my mum voices and says. Her views on my pregnancies a few years ago. On how to raise my kids. How to deal with things. Her comments on how she always kept up with the housework and the garden. She even rang me on holiday last year to say my dad had moaned about our extra bin bags when he went to put our bin out. I pointed out when we were kids they threw black bags out onto the curb and everyone did the same. You put out however many you had. She argued the tip was available. Yes mother we will add that onto the 60 hour working week and the kids and trying to enjoy our weekends. It squished in the next time.

You just have to accept you view things differently. Roll your eyes and move on. It's frustrating but you can't change their views.

Tbf we've all isolated for weeks now and are not likely carrying coronavirus if we are not working outside the home. Being out for a ride with a friend is unlikely going to spread anything. I do understand people struggling. I haven't done it.

As for the house gatherings they are a different thing.

I'd break the rules in a hearbeat to have a cuppa with a struggling friend who may be depressed or suicidal. But that's it. It would be a 1-1 chat.

IndecentFeminist · 27/04/2020 08:53

Tbh, I'd assume she's just trying to make the point that you personally can't police everyone and you don't know everyone's circumstances.

Quarantimespringclean · 27/04/2020 08:58

I know I am guilty of doing this when my mum talks because she is so bloody judgemental and critical of people that she pisses me off.

HedgehogHotel · 27/04/2020 08:59

Not quite sure why you've not taken a big step back from someone who asked if you were making up being abused by an ex ....

Stop talking to her so much. She doesn't sound like she's a positive factor in your life.

Halo1234 · 27/04/2020 09:03

Maybe she does agree with u but is trying to comfort u by making an excuse. So u and not worried and angry. Maybe she is just trying to see it from the person point of u. Mildly irritating but not worth dwelling on. And not enough to make you livid with an otherwise loving mum.

Mrsjayy · 27/04/2020 09:07

I think for your own sanity and irritation you need to leave her to it stop expecting her to think like you then you won't get wound up, a few weeks ago that would have annoyed me too but it is easier just to let it go she is a grown up responsible for herself, btw your brother was fine to go out on his bike with his friend.

Brefugee · 27/04/2020 09:08

I think you need to have little contact with your mum for the sake of your own mental health.

There is no problem going for bike rides.

The rest: if you have evidence report it. If you don't, just leave it.

HowFurloughCanYouGo · 27/04/2020 09:10

Are you serious?! Very, unfortunately 😂

My life hasn't gone much beyond panic writing my dissertation so I can get as much done before I'm drafted on the wards.

That one totally passed me by I must admit!

HowFurloughCanYouGo · 27/04/2020 09:11

Weirdly though I have been looking out for up dates every now and then.

But managed to totally miss that one 😳

Fairyliz · 27/04/2020 09:16

You sound like my daughter she is always completely negative about everyone and everything. I’m sure if she won a million pounds she would complain that someone else won two million.
I find her negativity really draining and it brings me down so I admit I do try and find the positives in a situation. Otherwise if the whole world and everyone in it is completely shit what’s the point of anything?

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