Confused about another child

[ReginaPhallange47]

Just thrashing out some thoughts and would be interested in other people's opinions.

Had my ds when I was 23. He is now 9. His dad and I split up when he was 1. It was a terrible relationship but we are civil and on good terms now. I have been with my now fiancé for 5 years.

I'm at an age now where all of my friends are starting to have babies - in their early 30s. And every time I hear another one is pregnant it's like a pang of longing. But the thing is I'm not even sure that I want another baby! My fiancé has no kids and when my ds is at his dads we get lots of free time to enjoy weekends away, pursue our hobbies, cycle, running, pubs, reading. All the stuff that would be difficult with kids around. I enjoy our free time.

My fiancé isn't against kids of his own but he's not exactly all for it either. I think if anything happened he'd be fine with it and we could definitely afford another child.

I'm confused. I'm happy so why does it feel like something is missing? Would the age gap be too big between a new baby and my current ds? I feel like I'm not done and would love to have a baby in the happy family setting that I missed out on with my ex. I could come off the pill and see what happens but that feels like a definite choice and I'm just not sure where my head is at!

How tricky! I had my first at 31 and my second at 36....so you've got time....re the age gap... I have 3 siblings...one is 5 years older, the next is 7 years older and the third is 10 years older....I'm closest to the oldest...that ten year gap means nothing.

The pang you're describing...it's hard to decide...but I do think you need to discuss this properly with your fiance. Thinking he'd be fine with it isn't quite enough.

For example...what about your career?

There is 15 years between myself and my oldest sibling and we were the closest out of all 5 of us so I don't think age gaps matter with siblings!

It's natural to have longings for a baby but not really want one I think.

We decided to have 1 DC, which I'm very comfortable with but it didn't stop me briefly thinking how lovely it would be to have another one when I heard someone was pregnant.

I really don’t think it’s a good enough reason to have another child unless you are both 100% committed... not just ‘to see what happens’.

Was in the same situation as you. But my DP did want his own children. So we had 2. I love them dearly but I do miss the things we used to do at the weekend when my oldest was at her dads. But I think any couple with young children will miss the times when it was just them that's a normal part of having children. Do you have family who could help out with any children so you could have evenings out?

It’s a difficult thing to weigh up. I adore DS, but I also adore his growing independence and the freedom that that gives me.

I’ve often thought about having another child. I feel I’ve missed out on having a happy, healthy pregnancy; having a partner coping over my bump with me; having someone to share everything with etc etc - but actually, that’s all about ME and IMO, actually pretty selfish reasons to want to being another child into the world. Also, I remember teething being a particularly stressful time, and then there’s finding childcare, nursery fees, going through primary school again... the school gate politics!

Having an only isn’t a bad thing at all.

Thanks for the replies. It is a very confusing feeling. I am jealous of my friends who are getting to experience pregnancy and motherhood at a stage in their lives when they are settled and more knowledgable. I was very young and not in a great relationship when I had ds. I feel like it would be a totally different experience this time and something I could maybe embrace instead of being terrified of!

Of course it's such a big decision that I don't want to go into it unsure. And I do enjoy my free time. But I feel like I'm somehow missing out on something. Maybe it's hormonal...

Spend time reflecting on what it is exactly you feel you are missing.
You lose SO much freedom when you have a child, lack of sleep, expensive. Also no guarantee siblings will get on well.
Do you think it would enhance your DS life or is he content now? Would it enhance your own life?

Make sure you are 100% certain before you go ahead. Like you say, it could be hormonal.

@TwilightPeace it's almost like my head says no but my heart says yes. I always wanted more than one child. But obviously I would never have had another with my ex and until meeting dp I didn't think I'd ever find the right person to have a family with. I realise it would be a big change of lifestyle. I just wish I could shake this longing feeling or at least make some sense of it. I feel like if I never had another I would regret it as I get older. But having one now would impact our lives in ways I'm maybe not ready for. It's very hard.