AIBU to think I’ve messed my life up?

[sadandlonely2020]

Name changed for this.

When I was in my late 20s my partner died. We were both ambitious and had successful jobs in our chosen careers. He was a few years older than me and we weren’t married, so I lived with him in his home. After his death his family showed that they never liked me and threw me out of his house. This was a tough blow and I felt like I’d lost everything we had built up together. I struggled after this and ended up falling into a deep depression and I quit my job because I was unable to cope. Looking back I should have asked for support but I didn’t know how.

It took me a few years to recover and I’m working in a job that has much less earning potential than my previous job. Ive manage to buy my own home, but I’m constantly away that it’s not as nice as what I could have afforded on my previous income.

I’ve tried to get back into the industry I was previously in but as I’ve been away for so long, I’ve been unsuccessful.

My problem is I’m in a relationship with a guy I met 6 years ago. He is a few years younger then me and when we met, he was not long out of university. The issue is, he’s not been able to find a job related to his degree. He has shown no ambition in finding anything else and is still working in a low skilled and low paid job he had at uni.

He lives with me and I’m now realised that he’s never going to be in a position to have a deposit for a property that we can by together.

I feel that I was on the way to having a good life but now I’m living in a small flat, doing a low paid job and living with a guy that has no ambition.

AIBU to feel like I’ve messed everything up?

And how do I get out of this?

Do you love him and can you see a future together? If so, you need to have a chat about the future and what it might look like.

You have NOT messed everything up. I’m so sorry for your loss. I was widowed at 30. It takes years to recover, you have done amazingly.

I don't know if it's too late, but when looking for a partner (i.e. before you fall in love) identify your priorities. When i was last single i knew i wanted someone who's job was meaningful to them and me, who could be an equal contributor, and who wanted the same lifestyle re kids, finances, religion, communication, etc., i had a few other ideas in the mix but these were the most important to me. Is it possible for you to evaluate these things for yourself now?

I have made a number of life changing choices in my life and had to start over again at least twice. From owning a huge detached home to then moving into my old bedroom with my parents was humbling I tell you!

But I learnt a lot about myself, I also learnt what is important in life. It took me six years but I'm a home owner again, I have a man who loves me dearly and a baby on the way. Stick at it, make the right choices not the easy choices and you will get there.

As for your guy if you are not madly in live with him then he's not the guy for you. If you are then despite his lack of drive stick with him!

The problem is that if you have ambition and he doesn’t. You will resent him.

You haven’t messed everything up, you had a horrible traumatic event in your life and lost the person you loved when you were still young and were rejected by his family in the midst of your grief. That is a huge thing and anyone would struggle.

None of what you describe sounds like it’s u salvageable. You are on the property ladder and that’s a big step, regardless of how your house is compared to your previous property. You’re in a much better position than if you were unable to buy at all.

You mentioned you haven’t been able to break back into your old industry. Have you exhausted every avenue, or are you still trying? All you need is to get your foot back in the door with one job, and who is to say that is impossible?

As for the boyfriend, you need to think about what you want. If ambition is important to you and you aren’t happy, then you need to cut ties and move on. If he’s otherwise great and you love him, is it something you can overlook - or discuss with him?

It may look like a lot when you review it altogether but you can push through all of this if you break down what you want and how you can improve it. You’ve done so well already.

Everything changes. You can make
A fresh start with your final breath.
But what has happened has happened. And the water
You once poured into the wine cannot be
Drained off again.

What has happened has happened. The water
You once poured into the wine cannot be
Drained off again, but
Everything changes. You can make
A fresh start with your final breath.

~ Bertolt Brecht

YABU I am sorry for your loss and your unfortunate situation but you have not messed up your life. 🤗

I tend to believe everything happens for me (not to me) and I was meant to go through bad situations to help me be where I am today and where I am on my way to. I am so so grateful for my depression, because I value life so differently now I am through it.

You have to make a decisions about your partner, for me it wouldn't be good enough to be with a partner who is unambitious because its a core value of mine, but its a personal choice. Maybe he has the fire inside of him and you can ignite it? I know lots of people who have lost their way before coming incredibly successful so he may need a nudge. Could you help each other and set each other career challenges?

You could also look into post traumatic growth, it's a concept of how we can use our traumatic situations to excel in life. I think you may feel empowered by this concept.

If I were you I would write an ambitious plan that excites you for every area of your life. Your career, finance, fitness, mindset, social life for example and write a plan of how to get there. I have turned to books and podcasts to help motivate me but its not for everyone.

I don't think you've messed up at all:

• you're working full time
• you're in a relationship
• you own your own home.

Are you happy in your relationship? Do you have good health? Hobbies you enjoy? Friends?

TBH if you value success by what your home is like you're setting yourself up on the road to unhappiness IMO. I wake up every day grateful I'm not homeless. Even having clean running water out of a tap is something to celebrate, really. I feel we've lost our way sometimes.

OP, why are you so focused on materialistic stuff? I'm sorry you've lost your DP, it's a huge grief and weight to carry. Tbh having been through major grief, I am far less attached to what I have. It just strikes me that this seems to be your point of focus, as opposed to the fact you've managed to get better mentally and find peace, love (do you love him?) and stability again. Why do you guilt trip yourself that you've underachieved and should have more by now? This attitude won't bring you happiness.

Op, do you love him? It doesn’t sound like you do

There is nothing wrong with wanting a financially secure or comfortable life, but this needs to be something you achieve for yourself. So focus on you.

How can you get out of your low paid job. You need one where you can start low and have progression, can you train to bring yourself up to date? Apply for lower level jobs in your previous industry?

As for him, the question is do you love him?

why are you so focused on materialistic stuff?

That's what struck me too. I'd echo what Bluntness says, if you want money, make it yourself. Don't rely on a man.

Depends if you love him or not. If not and you meet someone else, don’t be afraid to say very early on that I want XYZ. If they’re genuine then they’ll say it’s on the cards, even if not now, if it scares them off then they’re not the one and you have only wasted a month.

I lost my husband 2 years ago and with it my future. It seems to me you lost your partner, your future, your home and your family. Now you are on an even keel you want to replicate that. You want the partner you love and the house you adore and the future you envisioned but I'm sorry to say it won't be the same as before. The future you planned has changed and you need to adapt to that. I think you really need to look at what you want and what is achievable and go from there.

Does he pay his way? Do you love him?