He makes me feel so needy and insecure AIBU

[Zendaya2000]

NC for this.

Split up with husband a year ago and got back together in October last year, we split up because I didn’t feel like a priority. He was always working, out with friends, hobbies just living his life. He was there but not there IYSWIM. We’re currently not living together, and taking things slow. Before lockdown he never really made any effort to see me unless it was sex. I was always the one calling/texting, he would initiate contact too but only if he didn’t hear from me for a few days. We talk on the phone, mid conversation he will say ‘ I got a call coming through, speak to you later’ that’s fine, but when I call him he doesn’t pick up and he will text me ‘ I’m on the phone with X’. I just find it interesting that he doesn’t hang up on them to pick up my call but he’s willing to hang up on me to pick up other people’s calls.

I just feel like the old feelings and resentment are starting to come up again, and he makes me feel so needy and insecure. Just want to know AIBU about the phone thing?

Yanbu. I would end it again, you're clearly not a priority. You don't end a call to speak to someone else unless it's likely to be urgent or a work thing.

Yanbu leave and find someone who loves you.

It doesn't seem like he's prioritising you
I don't really see what he was doing wrong before though, I'm living my life all the time, my husband lives his, we do some things together, not everything.

YANBU!! You deserve better than this

Yanbu, sounds like you're not a priority to him.
Although, I am assuming that you're not constantly calling him?

He doesn’t love you I’m surprised he’s your husband he sounds like a FWB at best.

YANBU
You deserve better. Move on

No I don't call him that much, but when I do that's what happens. He ends the phone call to talk to someone else. We barely talk tbh, few texts back here and there every other day. I feel so disconnected from him. Being alone hurts but it's easier than being stressed and anxious every day.

I’m sure you love him, but if he hasn’t put you first by now, then he never will. He nearly lost you and he would still rather talk to his friends than you. He will never think that you are more important than all of the other stuff he wants to do. You will never be the person he gets excited about seeing. You will always come after everything else, when he’s certain that there is nothing else happening that would interest him more. I’m fairly sure that if you asked him to commit to plans with you for the first weekend after lockdown ended, he’d reply ‘I don’t know what I’m doing yet’.

I’ve been there and it’s bloody horrible. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being made to feel like you’re the last resort? This is your life. Don’t you want to feel like you matter to the person you love?

What happened in the time during your split? How did getting back together happen? Did he miss you and say he'd make more of an effort?

He contacts you when he wants a shag and then drops you for other people

It's pretty clear to me OP - you still aren't high on his list of priorities

You want more of his time and attention than he is willing to give you, so it does not really matter who is 'right', the problem is that you are not going to get what you want/need from him, so your alternatives are to end the relationship or adjust your expectations.

You need to find things in life that will make you feel content and confident as a person in your own right whether or not you’re in a relationship. It’s not him that’s making you feel needy, you’re doing it to yourself. If a relationship isn’t giving you what you want, don’t be in it. Easier said than done, I know, but you can’t make other people responsible for your happiness, it just doesn’t work.

Perhaps calling and texting is something you enjoy and he simply does not enjoy they form of communication

This is not you being needy, it's him being selfish. FWIW, I always wondered if I was a bit needy. With DH I have never felt like that, because he prioritises me. Don't let him mess with your head.

This sounds more like the level of commitment and effort I'd expect from a casual hook up not a husband! It sounds like he's happy to have you around for sex when he has nothing else on but isn't willing to offer you any of his time and attention.

I've had FWB who I've had more contact with. You aren't a couple, you are a convenience.

This will destroy your self esteem, end it for good. It isn't working.

This relationship will continue to hurt you and make you feel undermined and insecure as long as you are in it.

He’s not good enough - he’s not offering you love.

Sorry but he's not prioritising you OP, don't settle for that.

This man will never give you what you want. You’re giving him a second chance, and yet he’s still behaving in the way that made you leave him. If he’s getting what he wants - sex - then I guess he’s not bothered how you feel. You will never be happy with this man.

He'll never change, he's just gone back to how it was before, taking you for granted

Feel relived tbh, not trying to make him spend time with me, not trying to make him somebody he's not. I just feel relief and sad at the same time.

Nothing has really changed has it. Either he's not bothered, or he doesn't understand what you need.

The 5 love languages is worth looking at, if this has a future.

My exes lived like single people and just expected me to be there in the background (but were heartbroken when I ended things with them).

I will probably be single for the rest of my life now; I just cannot be doing with that kind of shit.

I think you need to leave him and work on your self esteem. He sounds incredibly selfish, and not into you at all. You’re just a convenient shag to him.