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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scars...

13 replies

BackseatCookers · 25/04/2020 00:00

I have a scar from a pretty catastrophic accident.

It's huge and in a very visible place.

I can't quite explain why but if I could click my fingers and get rid of it, I wouldn't.

It's kind of assimilated into me now. Even my freckles have started to grow near it so it's been accepted 😂

Today someone (during a FaceTime catch up) said "at least it's on the back of your arm so you don't have to look at it" as if that was them being nice.

I feel like saying fuck off, it's MY scar! I feel sort of protective of it.

As I say I have loads of freckles too and have always had loads of comments about them too.

It's weird, anything vaguely different and people seem to think you are public property and its acceptable to comment on.

I know when my friends have been pregnant they've felt the same, people (strangers / colleagues / family) commenting on the size of their bump.

When the weather was nice last summer a total stranger said to me "ooh I bet you can't wait til it's winter so you can cover that up again". I mean, just ShockShockShock

AIBU for finding it hard to feel so incredible defensive when people say things about it assuming I must hate it?

And AIBU for now not wanting my scar gone? It's part of my story now.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 25/04/2020 00:08

Of course you aren’t unreasonable for thinking that. I can’t imagine anyone would say you are.

Original poster
BackseatCookers · 25/04/2020 00:12

It's hard because I feel I have to justify to people that no, I don't hate it and no, I wouldn't want to get rid of it and no, I'm not 'relieved' it's somewhere I can't always see.

But they mean no harm so am I a bit of an arsehole for being defensive (and maybe making them feel a bit guilty or embarrassed by being that way) when I'm sure they don't mean to upset me?

I feel if I don't challenge it a bit then I'm not helping the next person they might say something to, someone who may not be as comfortable with their scars as me and might actually get really upset.

It's really strange the feeling of never quite being invisible anymore because you have a marker on your body.

OP posts:
movpov · 25/04/2020 00:14

It's part of you and represents surviving something, be proud of it and if other people have a problem with it...well it's their problem not yours. Remember when Princess Eugenie got married...she insisted on a low back dress because she was determined not to hide her operation scar.

To be honest I'd be tempted to call people out who comment on it and ask 'why do you assume I want to hide it?' or 'why do you feel it's appropriate to comment on it?' Make them feel uncomfortable about being so rude.

Keep your scar out if you want to and don't let anyone make you feel you shouldn't.

Sparklesocks · 25/04/2020 00:15

I think mostly people mean well, but a lot are socially awkward in some situations and don’t know what to say so put their foot in the mouth somewhat. The fact is it’s rude to ask a person where they got a scar/injury etc in case it’s traumatic for the person to relive that memory, but people do get their nose in regardless!

You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone else, and you can feel however you choose about your own body.

booearing · 25/04/2020 00:19

Yanbu my Ds is 7 and has quite a lot of scars on his face due to a horrible accident when he was one
I worry that as he gets older he will get horrible comments about his scars
He has been asked at school by classmates why he has them and as we have always been open about what happened to him he has been able to explain to people himself
I just worry about people who are arseholes to him about them.

Original poster
BackseatCookers · 25/04/2020 00:30

Thank you @Sparklesocks 

@movpov it was lovely when Eugenie said that. Also I had almost everyone I know message me on her wedding day because we are doubles (minus our scars being different places!) so I feel an affinity with her!

I so nearly died in the accident that my scar to me may as well be lettering saying "fuck me mate, that was a close call - well done!" it's a little badge of honour I guess.

@booearing

I think that's much of my dilemma - I feel like I should try and say something in case the next person might find it really upsetting rather than find it annoying like I do. If that makes sense?

Brilliant your son feels able to just answer and explain, you sound like a lovely mum. I was 30 when the accident happened so it's like having a sort of rebirth coming out of it with a massive scar and epilepsy and lots of other complications.

It's been the most humbling thing ever to sit on a tube / bus over the last couple of years and hear people audibly talk to each other about my scar.

"Oh my god have you seen that girls arm" etc. It's like if there's a visible difference suddenly they assume you can't hear them. It's made me feel a solidarity with people who aren't able bodied in general.

It's the balance of not being a cunt to people who mean well while also trying to confront them (gently) in a way that would stop them saying stuff to someone it could massively affect.

OP posts:
booearing · 25/04/2020 00:39

We have always felt the need to be as honest and open to him about why he has his scars as I didn’t want people to be able to hurt him about them.
Many of my friends don’t agree with him knowing about what happened to him and they whisper about the accident when around him but I tell them I’d rather he knows the facts so he will grow up with confidence that he knows the truth
Tbf even with his scars which plastic surgeons did a fantastic job sorting out he is one very handsome boy even if I do say myself 😁

booearing · 25/04/2020 00:42

Ha this may out me but my Dp also has very bad scars to his hips due to being in an rta 20 years ago so he has a very good person who he can relate to
Even though my dp scars are covered

whatisthenewnormal · 25/04/2020 00:52

I have a scar from sternum to belly button,
I the late 90's- 2000's when crop tops were the thing I did not hide it and had many reposts to dickheads

PelicanDeuce · 25/04/2020 00:58

I have a huge noticeable scar from a recent sternotomy. It’s still very raised, red and angry. I’ve not adapted what I wear at all. If someone doesn’t like it it’s their problem. I’ve just got over cancer and I couldn’t give a shit.

nanny2012nanny · 25/04/2020 00:58

I feel your pain! I have exactly the same problem with many scars on my leg due to an extremely bad leg break after a freak accident resulting in surgery, on top of a bulging varicose vain on the same leg.
I proudly say that it’s my body and I am lucky to be alive, and ask why they have an issue with my leg scars and varicose veins as I certainly don’t.

whatisthenewnormal · 25/04/2020 01:13

My scar my person

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 25/04/2020 01:22

I have three scars from lung surgery , they are new enough to be tender but they're fading . The only issue is making sure my bra doesn't rub.

I also have my stretch marks ( my War Wounds for carrying DS and DD)

But they are mine and a part of a story of my life .

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