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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

or is it my dad?

22 replies

opopopop · 24/04/2020 22:50

For a bit of background, I am pretty sure my dad is narcissistic. he hates me for going to uni and getting a degree, always mocks it ("we dont need any of your psychological bullshit"), berates me for eating outside of meal times (Im size 8, but even if i wasnt i dont get why he needs to comment), comments with disgust if we talk about periods or anything like that, says that I am not the clever one in the family. You get the gist.

I am at my parents home because I had to come back from University because of the pandemic. I suffer from PTSD and have had a really bad week with flashbacks and basically really bad paranoia. Today has been better and after 2 weeks I finally managed to get in contact with my friends. We arranged a little quiz and games thing.

I was in my room doing it and my dad bursts in like “you cant do that, you need earphones in, it’s too late”. My dad doesn’t work. He doesn’t go to bed early, and sits in the living room until the early hours watching TV and drinking. I know it’s his house, but I just thought that because I’d been so low, haven’t seen my friends in 5 weeks, and I’m studying for my final exam (which I do 8.30am - 8pm in silence in my room), that he would allow me 2 hours being happy with my friends.

My friends heard and I felt so embarrassed I had to leave the online skyping session. Now I am crying in my room. I only have unhealthy coping strategies on my own. I will probably now have to take a sleeping tablet to get to sleep which will make me groggy tomorrow.
I could understand if it was a worknight or even just a normal weekend and I could go out to see them. When I was with my ex-boyfriend I used to walk around the streets for hours chatting to him because my parents said it was unfair to hear, and I agreed and made an effort to be out. But now, as an adult, I just feel like I’ve been humiliated and made to feel like a child. I told them in advance I was doing it.
I feel like I am going to get slated, as it’s there house.

OP posts:
InArrears · 24/04/2020 22:55

Your parents are being unreasonable and mean. It's your house too, but I hope you are making plans to leave as soon as you can, it doesn't sound like a healthy place to be and I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on your own.

Qcng · 24/04/2020 23:05

This sounds terrible for you. I can't believe they'd make you walk around outside on your own (even in the dark??) to speak on the phone. Crazy.

Will just say, although your parent's treatment of you is awful, really bad, you might be making a big leap with this statement he hates me for going to uni and getting a degree that must be an awful feeling to carry around, but it might not be 100% the case?

FabbyChix · 24/04/2020 23:10

Our parents are just who they are. It’s not us that makes them like it. Sounds like your dads just an arsehole. Can you move? Don’t get upset ok. You aren’t responsible for his behaviour you also need to tell him he is an arsehole

sestras · 24/04/2020 23:18

Wtf? I would be looking for somewhere else to live and quickly. Are any of your friends looking for a flat mate?

opopopop · 24/04/2020 23:44

@Qcng

Yep, especially at night time. I also wasn't allowed to speak in the garden because it was "disruptive for the neighbours".

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 24/04/2020 23:46

You should’ve just put in some headphones and continued on. Yes it’s a bit embarrassing but I’m sure your friends would just have brushed it off. You say he sits up drinking and you don’t mention your mum in all of this. Can you confide in her as to how low you feel when he’s in a different room tomorrow?

opopopop · 24/04/2020 23:52

@LouiseTrees

My mum is an actual alcoholic, but she is the type of drunk who gets overemotional and clingy when drunk and has just come into my room to try and make me feel better. This turned into the usual dynamic of ME comforting HER because she felt like a bad mother.

It will all be brushed under the carpet tomorrow as neither will remember (well, my dad will, but he will rely on my mum not)

OP posts:
opopopop · 24/04/2020 23:58

I did have earphones on - he was just annoyed at me speaking. I went bright red and my friends were really awkward so I just pretended there was connectivity issues.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 25/04/2020 10:29

You have to get out of there. How thin are these walls? Or do they look for a reason to berate you?

Andromeida59 · 25/04/2020 10:46

I'm sorry this is happening OP. Do you have anyone you could stay with?

I believe you about your DF being narcissistic. My "mother" was the same. The night before I left she told me "it doesn't matter what degree you get, I'll always be more intelligent than you". It might be worth you looking up help for children of narcissist parents. It really helped me.

MitziK · 25/04/2020 10:47

Yeah, you need to leave asap.

Normal people are beyond the Children Should Be Seen And Not Heard thing and have been for about 100 years. That's not to say that it isn't sometimes difficult if you are trying to sleep but can hear someone talking all night - but that really isn't the case for you.

I grew up like that. Get out. Stay with any friend who will take you.

And don't ever go back again.

opopopop · 25/04/2020 10:54

@MitziK

Yeah I absolutely agree that if I am keeping someone awake or there is a reason as to why I need to be quiet (like someone is ill or even relaxing after a long day at work), I will stop.

I knew I had to present the idea that i would be talking to him hours before I did, and he still was annoyed.

It was 10.15 when he came into my room. He still had the telly on at 1am.

I always heard him when I was speaking to my mum say "still fucking whinging".

It's just a horrible feeling like I am a burden, and I don't want to be here. I never felt like i had a "home"

OP posts:
MitziK · 25/04/2020 11:00

You're not a burden. You're not stupid.

You just need to get away from that pair of arseholes for good.

PlanetMJ · 25/04/2020 11:17

Https:www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786141-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-January-2020-onwards

Have you looked at the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board OP? I've tried to link to it above but I'm not sure I've managed it. If another poster can manage it Thank you!
It's a thread for children with toxic parental relationships and I think it is a part of mumsnet with exceptionally supportive, non-judgemental and wise posters. It makes for interesting reading and you might find it helpful.

boylovesmeerkats · 25/04/2020 11:24

Can you contact your university and explain that you need to move out and see if they have any capacity in accommodation for you to isolate there? You can and should move out. Really hard in a lockdown but move out and don't move back. Easier said than done I know but your life will be so much better for it and your relationship with your parents.

opopopop · 25/04/2020 12:19

@PlanetMJ thank you for the link, I will have a look later when I get another study break.

@boylovesmeerkats my University is really far away from my parents home. About 7 hours away. The trains aren't running as usual, and I don't have the money to really do that. But I would if I was closer.

I am going to try and keep my head down for the next week, and finish this exam. I will then move onto trying to get somewhere else to live. I could go to my friends, but it is a case of getting there as well (not as far away, but 1 hour and frightened I would be stopped by police)

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 25/04/2020 12:24

YANBU you're doing really well to be at uni despite your parent's efforts.
I agree leave as soon as possible and don't look back.

You have your whole future ahead of you without your toxic father in your life.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 25/04/2020 12:28

What country are you in, OP? If you’re in the U.K. you can absolutely travel for more than one hour, if you’re moving homes, so you’d be fine. Is there room at your friend’s place and have they said they’re happy to have you?

PumpkinPie2016 · 25/04/2020 12:40

OP, I'm so sorry you are putting up with this Flowers Your Dad sounds like an arse, it's not your fault, he would be an arse whether you were there or not.

I would do what you say, stay put this week, get the exam done and then move to your friends.

It's highly unlikely you would be stopped by the police anyway but if you are, just tell them.you are having to move as you are no longer able to stay where you are.

LouiseTrees · 26/04/2020 22:55

@opopopop if you were stopped by the police moving, you tell them you are fleeing abuse. Also re money, your university may have a hardship fund, might be something to look into.

Winterwoollies · 26/04/2020 23:52

Your dad sounds like a mysoginistic arsehole who is threatened by you bettering yourself. Your mum sounds like a wreck.

Get away from there as soon as you can, the environment is damaging you. You’ve done brilliantly to get as far as you have, keep going, keep building your life.

Monty27 · 27/04/2020 00:01

You poor love. Ignore your parents' issues and get a plan to get the hell out of there.
If someone can help reach out for your own well being. Flowers

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