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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he be allowed to come back?

19 replies

libertymax · 24/04/2020 13:58

My son is 25 and so far has been in lockdown with me and my 22 year-old daughter, while my husband, who had a liver transplant last year, is in isolation with his mother at her house. This morning I woke to find a note from my son, saying he has absconded to his girlfriend's place, but is planning to come back in two week's time. We have had advice from a friend of ours who is a specialist nurse, who says the rules are that he should have to stay with the girlfriend now, until lockdown is over. I agree, but AIBU? If he's going to flout the rules it is going to really complicate things when my husband returns, as he will still have to be shielded for a long time to come, even once the lockdown is over.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 24/04/2020 15:10

I have a friend with a similar situation with her son. He has left to stay with his gf at her grans. She is so angry with him she cant talk to him right now. Her dh is a big softy and lets him pop back every few days for clothes/bits and pieces.

If he was mine he, especially with your dh's health situation, he would have been told, no sorry you've moved out you can get your stuff after lockdown is lifted and wash your clothes at your gf's house.

BMW6 · 24/04/2020 15:17

He chose to leave, he has to stay out of your household for the foreseeable future OP.

AriadnesFilament · 24/04/2020 15:35

Did you have any prior warning at all, in any form whatsoever, that he’d be buggering off, or has he literally just done a bunk in the middle of the night and left a note?

Original poster
libertymax · 24/04/2020 22:49

I had my suspicions about him planning to go, but he clearly knew I would be concerned and try to talk him out of it. The concern is that they have a very volatile relationship that has been on/off for years, so they will inevitably fall out and he'll end up with nowhere else to stay. For now I'm going to try not to worry too much and enjoy the peace and quiet! It's very useful to hear what other people think though.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/04/2020 22:56

No, I think he has to live with his decision. If you tell him now then hopefully that'll affect the way they behave with each other. Other than that you have to put your husband first in this case. I'd get together anything else your son might need and drop it off at his girlfriend's house and tell him he's made his decision.

It's a very immature way for your son to behave.

PickAChew · 24/04/2020 22:58

Nzh
He's a grown up and if he wants sex on tap nerds to stay there and not flit back and forth.

HeddaGarbled · 24/04/2020 23:13

When he comes back, if he then locks down with you for 7-14 days before your husband returns, and none of you have symptoms in that period, that should be OK, shouldn’t it?

Once your H is in the household, that’s different, but presumably your son knows that.

What’s the reasoning behind your H moving households?

Feedingthebirds1 · 24/04/2020 23:42

He chose to leave, he knows the rules. He doesn't get to go back and forth, he's gone elsewhere, he stays there.

And if I were you I'd tell him so sooner rather than later. Then you're both clear.

AriadnesFilament · 25/04/2020 12:44

Tbh, he’s 25. He’s not 15. On his head be it. He knows the society-wide rules and he made his choice.

He’s an adult. A fully grown, functioning adult. Treat him as such.

MitziK · 25/04/2020 12:55

Maybe the last thing she needs is the volatile boyfriend hefting up - does she even know he was planning this? Could it be that he's done it so he can force her to let him stay?

minettechatouette · 25/04/2020 13:30

If your husband is coming back he obviously can't just rock up. If you trust him to act responsibly with his gf and neither of them are going to work (I presume that no one in your household is either) personally I would see the risk as minimal and let him come back.

usersouthcoast · 25/04/2020 13:39

I'd be telling him that I hope he's got his tent ordered for the garden for when he and gf next fall out.

Leaving that as a note was rude. Yes he's an adult and is 25, but when living in your house he should have more decency than to potentially stop your husband coming home.

usersouthcoast · 25/04/2020 13:43

@MitziK Or could it be that he's gone over there to lock her in the basement?? 🙄

Rainsun1 · 25/04/2020 13:48

At 25 and your son is still living at home. Is he saving? Or studying maybe now is the time to broach the subject if my child wasn’t doing these things by now they soon would be!

TheSerenDipitY · 25/04/2020 14:14

remind him that his fucking about means Dad cant come home, and if he does and your son fucks about taking the piss he could kill Dad... that's the reality he could kill Dad...

HeddaGarbled · 25/04/2020 22:45

....but only if his dad moves households as well.

Sauce for the goose and all that.

PlanDeRaccordement · 25/04/2020 22:50

Lockdown will be over in two weeks anyway.
Your DH should stay shielding where he is until that is done.

HollowTalk · 26/04/2020 12:09

Where did you get that info about lockdown ending in two weeks, @PlanDeRaccordement? No decision has been made, has it?

WeAllHaveWings · 26/04/2020 15:38

Lockdown will be over in two weeks anyway.

Really? Do you have inside information for this? Lockdown will be reviewed in two weeks as per the new law to review every 3 weeks, they may be softening of some of the elements of it but it is likely to continue with some form of restrictions for a long time until a vaccine/treatment is found. I think that has been made clear in most of the updates.

Your DH should stay shielding where he is until that is done.

Her dh will be shielding for many months. The virus is still out there nothing has changed other than social distances slowing the spread.

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