To feel resentful!

[CanICelebrate]

I know I am being unreasonable but please can your replies also be encouraging because I need to get over it!

I keep reading about parents at home enjoying time with their dc in lockdown and teaching them.....
Or parents at home but not working saying home schooling is really tough.....
Or key workers having to work and their dc go to school....
I just keep thinking any of these would be easier than my situation!

I am being unreasonable because there are so many people worse off than me, but my dh is out all day working in a key role.
I am teaching remotely all day and also have a senior pastoral role so am in video classes/ calls a lot of the day plus preparation and marking. So I am in my home office in a full time senior teaching role with 3dc at home ‘schooling’. I feel the youngest isn’t getting the attention he needs, although I’m trying to cram stuff into the evenings to spend time with him in my free periods but obviously I have to stick to my school timetable so have very little flexibility. Thankfully due to the senior nature of my role I don’t have a full teaching timetable but I still have a fair few classes and am video teaching.
I also have to completely trust my teenage dc are working! They also have all video lessons too so we have 3 live lessons on the go simultaneously sometimes which is loud, with the youngest working as independently as he can. I feel like a shit mum but there’s no choice.

It’s really hard work and I’m resentful when others are a) complaining but not working and b) also resentful of the ones enjoying it. My school have been fab and moved things about so I get one day a week when I am doing very little from next week onwards and dh is taking one day a week annual leave to spend with the kids. But it’s such hard work and I feel I’m failing at everything.
Youngest dc’s school will categorically not have him even for one day a week as he can be looked after safely at home by me.

I know IABU - maybe I just need a hand hold and a ‘get a grip’!

YANBU to wish you could be at home with your kids able to give them your full attention. From what you say though OP you're doing a pretty damn good job despite it all. Your teenagers are loggin on, your youngest is attempting to work, you spend time with them in the evenings while also attending to your full time job. If it wasn't for the title of your post I might suspect this was a boast post! Sounds like you're nailing it.

Definitely not being unreasonable and definitely doing an amazing job!

Thank you so much for your encouraging responses.
Definitely not a boast post! I’ve cried every day this week through tiredness and feeling I’m not being a ‘good enough’ mum. I also feel guilty for feeling jealous/resentful of others as I’m not usually like that.

Keep going CanICelebrate !! You sound like you're doing brilliantly, even though you might not think that yourself. Homeschooling kids while wfh is so tough! Cut yourself some slack, we can only do our best x

It sounds like you're doing a great job but it's not because you are resilient that this situation is ok. Everyone is always so worried about complaining and coming across as a whinger but what's happening now is of course not ok and not fair on people like you.
You have my sympathy.

I acknowledge that things aren't easy, but it's time to count your blessings. Examine the base of your jealousy and your feelings of resenting people not being miserable.

Those enjoying it might just be looking at the positives. Work is a fundamental part of life, if it ends then people are going to feel as though they are suffering.

Wow OP I'm not working full time at the moment and actually I've realised my DC are better with less intervention from me. They've been logging on and doing things independently and it's been great for them. You're holding down a job, your kids are working, you're spending time together in the evenings, I'm not really sure how you could be doing better. The kids who are actually in school are just playing games mainly anyway in the lower years and the older ones will be sat in front of a computer like yours are at home. Lots of parents are having difficulty even getting their kids to engage in school so you're winning by the sound of it!

I know it sounds trite but maybe you're just being far too critical of yourself - the only aspect in which you're failing is that you're not observing how well you're doing. How would you respond to a student who was as critical of themselves as you're being? I imagine you'd be much more compassionate than you're being to yourself and point out how well they were actually coping and suggest they gave themselves a break!

@Ponoka7 that’s a good question. Thinking about it I don’t think I am jealous that people are not working per se, I think I feel resentful because I am feeling so guilty.
When I’m out at work I don’t feel guilty that I’m working at all (I love my job, it has great benefits and it pays well) and my dc go to great schools which they love. Life isn’t perfect but we are happy.
To summarise, I think I’m resentful that for some people lockdown has made life easier and more pleasant, but for me it’s made our life a lot harder. I loved the Easter holidays as I was able to do stuff with the dc and this week has suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.
My anxiety is a lot worse as I feel like I have too much to juggle. The reality is that the dc are fine and I’m doing my job well but it’s awful being in my office all day knowing the dc are plodding through their work alone when so many others have mums to help them. I only worked PT when dc were little and I now remember how lovely it is to do activities with them in the day. It’s one reason I love being a teacher as I get the holidays with them.

YANBU, OP, it sounds like you’re a key worker. Could your kids go to nursery/school?

@HandfulofDust thank you for that perspective. I’ve just had a little cry again! The older dc are definitely fine as they are following a school timetable with video lessons, it’s just the youngest I feel bad about as I know he misses his friends.
I am being very hard on myself and my pastoral role is all about being compassionate to others so I am 100% demonstrating a lack of self compassion this week. And, in honesty, feeling sorry for myself.
I’ve been so unwell with anxiety in the past and I’ve been feeling so well recently that I’m worried the guilt / feeling of unworthiness will affect my mental health.

Next week with dh at home once a week and my more flexible day might be a lot easier. I’m also sad/guilty he’s using up his annual leave to help at home as he hardly gets any so probably will only be able to have two full weeks off this year and I’ll get 10 weeks off in the summer!

@SharonasCorona they’ve said no at school because I can work from home even though I’m definitely a key worker. Not sure if they are correct in saying this but they’ve been adamant and their reply was quite blunt.
DH is out of the house as a key worker all day too!

You must be exhausted. It is hard seeing people craft and bake when you're still working and juggling home schooling.
It sounds like you are doing really well but make sure you get time to unwind too.

We're struggling too, and resenting those who seem to be acing the home schooling. Oh's working from home, we don't have a home office so he's in the dining room working alongside ds7. Ds7 has additional needs (has a 1:1 at school) so schooling is hard work. There's also a toddler to keep alive. It's an absolute nightmare, and we're drowning in the extra things clubs are requesting us to join in with too. Yet everyone else seems to be cracking on fine and joining in with it all. Feel like my son's missing out by not doing the club sessions, but there's only so much we can physically do. Next week's task is to take a step back and breath I think, reevaluate and see what we can cut down and stop stressing over to ease the guilt and worry!

I’ve cried every day this week through tiredness and feeling I’m not being a ‘good enough’ mum. I also feel guilty for feeling jealous/resentful of others as I’m not usually like that.

I could have written this post, OP.
I'm a DSL and line manage the pastoral team. I'm juggling WFH full time with looking after an 18 month old and attempting to home-school a primary ageof We'reH also WFH full time and his job is busier than ever due to covid. We're working around each other in shifts to take care of the kids so never actually get to spend any time together. We're both stressed and exhausted. I feel guilty for not being able to give either the job or the kids my full attention. I also feel guilty for the feelings of resentment that crop up when my furloughed/SAHM friends are messaging about how they've been "chilling in the garden all day" or sending pictures of the latest elaborate craft project or science experiments they've done with their DC's.
I know I should be pleased for them that they're managing to enjoy this time and make the best out of a bad situation but it's hard.

Sorry, toddler grabbed my phone should say "attempting to home-school a primary age DC, DH also WFH full time"!

@tootiredtoconga

I think the sudden changes and all the uncertainty are making many of us more emotional and reactive. I guess we are all doing the best we can in whatever circumstances.

I generally find it best to try not to compare. I'm not working at the moment (which could look idyllic) but that's because I'm self employed and I've had £15K worth of work cancelled over a 3 month period. However at least dh is in a stable role so we won't starve. But I did nearly bite my BIL's head off when he complained about his neighbour being in the garden, then looked at my face and said I'd obviously been sitting around in the sun too!

Am looking forward to having dh home for the weekend and I’m going to do as much lesson prep as possible on Sunday afternoon to free up time in the week.
Thanks for your encouragement and kindness x

Similar situation here. DH and I are both key workers but working from home and both very very busy. 2 young-primary age children that are being left to entertain themselves a lot, when I can spend time with them I dont want to deal with phonics and times table i want to play and reassure them. I'm working evenings and weekends to keep up and the kids are spending way too much time watching telly and squabbling. It's hard. I know where you are coming from OP.
And I've had to hide the class WhatsApp group. Can't cope with the home learning humble brags and the moans from people who arent working - I know I'm unreasonable and I'm sure they are finding it hard but it makes me a bit too twitchy...

OP it sounds like things are incredibly full on fit you and I don't think you are being in the slightest unreasonable.

I hope you manage some downtime this weekend, and a chance to spend some time with your kids, or doing something for yourself.

To put another spin in not working I can tell you I've had to stop working until lockdown eases considerably and I'm one of the people not eligible for any help what so ever- so financially things are incredibly hard. So from my perspective there is no joy whatsoever for me for being off work.

I find it strange that so many people are enjoying this time. There is so much fear, sadness, loneliness and stress amongst my friends and neighbours that I can not imagine how I could feel happy. I accept we should take whatever positives we can put if the situation, but I can't feel happy.