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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ignore my parents views?

26 replies

mumsy98 · 23/04/2020 22:17

My parents have had a very active role in the upbringing of our child and constantly cast their views on how they think we should parent our little girl. She turns 3 in May and we have been looking at putting her in a private nursery attached to any good prep school (or a good feeder) in the kensington area (suggestions??) At the moment she is cared for by her nanny who my parents helped pick out. My parents want us to keep the nanny till dd turns 4 and is put into school which is not what we initially wanted to do because we want dd to get used to the school setting before she enters reception. My dh is suddenly swaying towards the idea of keeping the full time nanny instead of starting to hire her for after and before school hours after a long convo with my parents?!?!? I don’t know what to do because it’s now 3 against 1. I really feel nursery is what she needs especially with a sibling on the way but i feel bad completely ignoring their views! Give me advice!!!

OP posts:
MamaGee09 · 23/04/2020 22:21

Your parents need to take a step back, they’ve had their chance to parent you, this decision is now up to you and your dh and no one else!

My friend is a primary school teacher and says she can tell exactly what children have been to nursery and what one she haven’t and she says the ones who have been to nursery manage much better when they first start at school.

Cupcakecafe · 23/04/2020 22:23

Why have your parents been so involved?
It's your child, and you and dh need to choose. Nobody else has a right to make that decision. Yes they can give advice or make suggestions if you ask for it, but otherwise it's none of their business really.

Watertorture · 23/04/2020 22:23

It's now 3 against 1? But 2 out of the 4 don't get a vote.

Cupcakecafe · 23/04/2020 22:29

Also, regarding nursery vs nanny.
My niece went to nursery at 3. Before that she was very clingy, wouldnt talk to or play with anyone except mum or the nanny who has looked after her since she was 1 and my sister went back to work. She was lovely but a very shy child. Within a few weeks of starting nursery she was so sociable, outgoing and her speech was much clearer.

My child went straight to nursery from when I had to go back to work, not something I've ever regretted personally.

WhyCantIthinkOfAgoodOne · 23/04/2020 22:43

I do think it's a very good idea to do nursery before school although not necessarily full time at first.

I really don't see what your parents have to do with anything though - are you financially dependent on them? Why are you giivng their opinions so much weight.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/04/2020 22:53

Why do they have so much say? Are you very young parents? Are they financing part of your life?

SummerInSun · 23/04/2020 22:54

Agree with everything everyone else has said. Also, do any of you have any idea what is involved in getting a child into a good private pre-prep? Your child will have to do a 4+ assessment and places for the most popular schools will be highly competitive. The nurseries know what is involved and gear the activities towards the things the children are asked to do at the assessment. But above all, the assessments will mostly involve your DD being in a room with other children and teachers, probably without you present. If your DD has never been anywhere without parent, grandparent or nanny, how will she cope with that? I'm in north London, but I'm sure Kensington is the same or worse.

You all sound very naive about how this works. I sympathise, as I'm not from the UK and the mad London private education bubble has been a total shock. Buy the Independent Schools Guide, start visiting possible nurseries and ask about destination schools, talk to other parents you know in your neighbourhood with older children who have been through this already. Start properly researching the schools you might want your DD to go to at 4, find out what their assessment / entry system is (every school has it on their website) do tours if available, and if you can, find out who their feeder nurseries are.

Littlebluetruck · 23/04/2020 23:01

My parents have had a very active role in the upbringing of our child

Why?

and constantly cast their views on how they think we should parent our little girl

Their views are insignificant. She is your child.

TheRoyallingStones · 23/04/2020 23:27

Why on earth are your parents so over involved that their opinion matters more than yours?!?

Bluewater1 · 23/04/2020 23:32

Nursery is great for kids in terms of sociability, confidence and becoming familiar with school routines and expectations

Cherrysoup · 23/04/2020 23:36

But you’re the parents, not them. Why are yo7 allowing them a say in anything? Are they funding you or something?

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 23/04/2020 23:39

It totally depends on the child. I'm a teacher and was keen for my son to start nursery but it didn't suit him as he's quite an anxious child. I wish I'd kept him with the childminder really. My daughter loved nursery.
However, if the poor child needs hothousing at 3 for some private school, go ahead.

bridgetreilly · 23/04/2020 23:40

My advice is stop listening to your parents. Their views do not count in the decisions about bringing up your child.

It's you and your husband who get to decide and that's it.

BilboBercow · 23/04/2020 23:43

Have you considered that the private nursery won't be open in may?

PersonaNonGarter · 23/04/2020 23:43

OP, I agree with previous posters - you are being treated like a child by those around you.

These are deep structural issues in your relationship with your DH and parents. You need to draw some boundaries. 2 out of 4 don’t get a say. It is a decision for you and your DH.

mamabear78 · 23/04/2020 23:45

This reply has been deleted

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Sparklesocks · 23/04/2020 23:46

Why haven’t you pushed back on their interfering before now, are they helping you financially and you’re afraid to rock the boat? The decisions about your child should only be made by yourself and your DH, your parents are free to share their perspective but it doesn’t mean you need to follow them blindly.

Purpleartichoke · 23/04/2020 23:48

I can’t help but wonder why you are being treated like a child. Are you actually a minor? Are your parents paying your bills? Why do they have such an active role? Is there some reason they should have any say in your child’s education?

Josette77 · 23/04/2020 23:51

Are your parents paying for your nanny?

Frozenfan2019 · 23/04/2020 23:53

Just you and your partner get a say

My experience tells me that some sessions at nursery will help your DD prepare for school so that would be my advice but clearly it's up to you.

Ellisandra · 23/04/2020 23:55

Why did they get this say in the first place?

Nitpickpicnic · 24/04/2020 00:09

Book your kid into nursery, breezily tell anyone who asks you are basing your strategy on research into current child development and education streams. Start getting excited a buying ‘big girl’ nursery kit. If anyone tries to engage about it, tell em it’s sorted, old news, and change the subject.

Be very firm that it’s something that you will be trying out. It’s never 100% anything in my experience- nursery, nanny, family. It’s always a mix, especially in the first months when they catch all the bugs and build their immune system. Once everyone sees her progress, it’ll speak far louder than anything you can say now.

Just do it. Swerve around them all, including your (slightly wet) DH.

Nottherealslimshady · 24/04/2020 00:14

Well it's not 3 against 1 as there's only two parents. You need to put your foot down and some boundaries up with your parents. You've many years of making decisions for your child.

Samtsirch · 24/04/2020 00:19

Does your daughter have to attend nursery 5 days a week ?
Could she start at nursery 2/ 3 days a week with the nanny working part time to cover wrap around care and also the days she doesn’t attend nursery ?
It’s a compromise to begin with, until HER PARENTS reach a decision about what best suits her.

Samtsirch · 24/04/2020 00:22

@mamabear78
You poor thing