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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this bad parenting?

73 replies

LazyLockdown · 23/04/2020 08:33

So dd's routine for a while has made it so by the time she's up, had breakfast, washed, dressed, etc. She has about only 30 minutes maximum before she has her next nap. I've been letting her play on her own for those few minutes, while I have some time on social media, or catch up tv. Both perfectly happy with that routine.

Now over the last couple of weeks, her nap routine has changed. Those "free" 30 minutes have turned in around an hour and a half. Ordinarily I would be happy about this and we'd get out in the morning, park or grab some shopping. But obviously that's not really ideal at the moment. So we've kept our routine, Dd will play alone on the floor and I'll have some lazy time basically.

I've just jokingly asked dd's dad if it's wrong to do this for an hour and a half every morning and he's seriously replied "Yes, you need to be supervising her properly."
It's not like dd is shoved in a play pen and ignored, I'm still watching her, talking to her, stopping her from chasing the cats, breastfeeding if she asks. I'm just not actively sat on the floor playing? She gets loads of proper one on one time for the rest of the day.

So am I being a shit lazy parent mumsnet?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2020 08:59

Sounds great. As you say, if she needs you she comes to you. My DD is 13 months and happily potters for ages with a bowl and spoon, her toys, she picks her books up and makes the sounds I do when I read to her, she’ll sit on the floor in the kitchen playing with a whisk while I’m cooking or cleaning up. Being able to explore her environment without my constant interference is really important. I’ll tell her what I’m up to and she’ll babble back but I also give her space. The laundry doesn’t fold itself, meals don’t magically appear, the mess under her high chair needs sorting at least 3 times a day etc etc and I can do a lot of it with her on my hip if she’s having a Velcro day but she’s usually happy playing by herself a few times a day and it works for us. Who wants a child who needs constant entertainment.

clairey111 · 23/04/2020 08:59

I've done it myself. Felt guilty that by time we're up , washed, dressed and made and eaten breakfast it's nearly 10 o clock- before 'the day can begin.'
But to DC all these things youve already done in the day are part of them learning, interacting and figuring out how the world works. The day started when they opened their eyes, learning their routine and what goes on each day.
We all need to be a bit easier on ourselves.

Original poster

LazyLockdown · 23/04/2020 09:00

For those asking what her dad does with her, he does play very much one on one with her. But he works very long hours so has limited time to do that? Obviously if I only had 1-2 hours a day of dd's time I'd spend them very focused on her as he does. But it's different having 24 hours a day.

OP posts:

lyralalala · 23/04/2020 09:03

Playing alone is one of the best skills children should learn imo.

At the playscheme I help run you can tell the kids who've always been guided (and in some cases outright helicoptered) when we bring all of the stilts/skipping ropes/bean bags out of the cupboard and give them free reign. They don't know what to do, whereas the kids who have been allowed that are instantly into setting up games with the stuff.

Being able to amuse yourself is a massively underrated skill imo

Gooseygoosey12345 · 23/04/2020 09:05

I think it's really important to allow independence and to teach them to entertain themselves and you've said she gets 1:1 time as well so it's perfectly fine! It's not like you've chucked her in the garden and shut the door!

GinDrinker00 · 23/04/2020 09:06

Your dh is just being picky. Enjoy it while it lasts! She’ll soon get older and want to be constantly entertained.

CinderellasSecrets · 23/04/2020 09:07

Your routine is fine, my eldest used to have an hour or so of independent play (obviously while I was in the same room) at that age, if babies aren't happy they'll soon let you know. It also didnt do my child any harm whatsoever, she does amazingly well in school, I get lots of lovely comments on how intelligent she is and how good her imagination is so I dont think an hours free play has damaged/hindered her all that much .

WhyCantIthinkOfAgoodOne · 23/04/2020 09:08

As a side note I actually think it's way better for kids if you have some specific time to yourself then really engage with DD later rather than lots of time half hearted playing with her while you scroll through social media.

Peapod29 · 23/04/2020 09:08

No! It really important that they play alone. I’ve always had a policy of ignoring my kids as much as possible . I think enjoying your company as an adult Is invaluable too.

Mascotte · 23/04/2020 09:09

I agree with everyone else (except bubbles)

I think this is great for your child. Also, lovely as children are it’s really boring playing with them all the time 😃 A break is needed for sanity

puds11 · 23/04/2020 09:09

I think encouraging solo play is very important for young children. Bonus she’s happy to do it.

ToriaPumpkin · 23/04/2020 09:16

Absolutely not! My first got loads of time to play by himself and can now entertain himself no bother. DD on the other hand is used to having someone around to entertain her constantly and she's exhausting.

As long as you're keeping an eye on her and she's getting 1:1 time at other times then enjoy it!

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2020 09:20

Another man, who thinks he knows to do things better than the primary care giver.

LittleLittleLittle · 23/04/2020 09:25

Your DH is an ass.

When he has to look after your DD on his own for a day and she can entertain herself he will be really happy he can go to the toilet without being followed.

dontdisturbmenow · 23/04/2020 09:26

I'd say it depends on the rest of the day. She does need some stimulation during the day. If she gets this in the afternoon and she's happy to play on her own for 90 mbs in the morning fine.

But I've seen too many kids who have clearly lack stimulation as babies whilst their key carer is to busy to do things for themselves, it's really sad.

As always, it's all about the right balance.

Darcy224 · 23/04/2020 09:27

That sounds amazing!

I do the same with my Daughter. Every opportunity that she gives me to sit there and have a break, I take it.

I feel like we've all earned it!

Nottherealslimshady · 23/04/2020 09:30

Its great that she's able to play alone, I think this part of your daily routine has probably been really good for her.

Whoopsies · 23/04/2020 09:31

My dc2 is now 8 months old and I leave him to play independently whenever I can. It's to try and avoid having another child like dc1 (6) who cannot even have a thought in his head without coming to tell everyone in the family about it. He is so needy!!

ScarfLadysBag · 23/04/2020 09:32

My DD has always been like this too, it's brilliant! She is 14mo now and will happily play by herself for ages. We do a lot of stuff together too of course, but if she's happily engaged in something I'll leave her to it. When she wants my input, she brings stuff to me.

BubblesBuddy · 23/04/2020 09:34

The issue I have is that 1.50 hours seems a long time for watching tv and social media seems a lot. I did my chores and had a coffee when babies were asleep. I am not saying some play isn’t ok on their own but not really having interaction when playing isn’t great. The NCT gives loads of ideas about how babies play and how they learn. It doesn’t seem to involve playing on their own whilst a parent watches tv and gets on social media. Nothing wrong with getting on with things you need to do but interact with the baby at the same time. It’s fairly well researched that babies need interaction to learn and babies that don’t get it start school with less well developed language. I’ve attached the NCT advice but excluded all the pages on how to play with a baby because obviously that’s not wanted.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 23/04/2020 09:35

Wow, I'm jealous! My DD is also 12 months and can maybe do ten minutes!

I was on paternity leave from 7 months to 12 months. I totally get it - every little break is precious, and if the baby's genuinely happy and engaged with what she's doing then I don't see the problem. Before the lockdown it was a lot easier obviously, walking around with a pram/stroller is quite relaxing if they're enjoying the walk too.

I think my 'judgement' would be that your baby obviously feels very secure and at ease to be able to do that - so it makes more sense to assume that you've done a good job of parenting!

ScarfLadysBag · 23/04/2020 09:37

My daughter is awake for about 10 hours a day. No one is spending 10 hours a day telling their child about colours or reading stories nonstop or doing activities. I see nothing in the OP's post that says she isn't doing any of the things listed in their other 9 hours or so or awake time

And yes, this is how you end up with children who cannot play alone and always need entertained. Playing alone creatively is a vital skill. If her child wants attention, I'm sure she's perfectly capable of signalling that by now. But interrupting a child who is happily playing so you can feel better about your parenting is just silly.

mynameiscalypso · 23/04/2020 09:38

I'm currently sat on MN watching my 8 month old roll around and entertain himself with his toys. He's having a great time; why would he want me coming in and disturbing him?!

MindyStClaire · 23/04/2020 09:40

Obviously if I only had 1-2 hours a day of dd's time I'd spend them very focused on her as he does. But it's different having 24 hours a day.

This is the important point. We have a two year old and both work full time, under normal circumstances she's in nursery. So yes, Mon-Fri if we're home and she's awake, we're focussed on her. Now that we're all home, if she's happy playing we leave her to it, and basically just follow her around the garden to make sure she's safe (she loves to go from the back to the front in laps, so can't just sit down as we can't see her). I reckon she's good at entertaining herself from the free play bits in nursery, they obviously don't have the capacity to give 1-1 attention all day. She gets plenty of other time with us.

Pentium85 · 23/04/2020 09:40

Absolutely fine AS LONG AS she gets dedicated 1-2-1 time at other parts of the day

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