To ask how to get over a friendship

[ThrowbackMagic]

Just that really. I’ve realised recently that someone I thought was a good mate hasn’t been for a couple of years. I noticed a bit of distance a few years back that coincided with a few big changes in both our lives, and for that reason didn’t take it personally. Around the same time, looking back, they stopped liking my things on social media. Noticed this before, thought it was a bit funny, but didn’t take it personally. Then saw recently that they frequently interact with a family member of mine who they met once about 15 years ago and who I’ve told them in the past I have a vexed relationship with.

We saw each other recently at a mutual friend’s party and they made a point of praising this family member lavishly (who I have relayed in the past that I distrust).

Anyway, along with some other things, the penny has dropped that the distancing is deliberate. I know the obvious thing is to just ask what it is. At the moment I feel hurt and it has actually been a while since we spoke or had the level of closeness we did previously (I put this down to life circumstances but from the current vantage point it seems clear this has actually been intentional).

I just feel very bleak (not helped by current circumstances) and want to hear how others may have handled losing a meaningful friendship. I’m gutted really and was pissed off for a a bit and now just feel sad. I feel like I have to let go of all the meaning from all the big life events and memories and history we’ve shared.

Losing a friend is a pain that often seems to be underestimate. The best thing to do is accept that it has run it's course. Friendships don't have to be permanent to add positives to your life.

Thank you for your thoughtful words @IpitythePontipines X

It’s really painful to lose a friend and even harder when you don’t understand the cause.

I had a friend that became distant but always made a point to mention who she was socializing with others and talk about events where I wasn’t invited. I didn’t understand what happened but never pushed or tried to discuss it, because I didn’t want to be rejected further. I came to believe that she was just unhappy. A few years later things improved with us, and we are good friends again. I’m glad actually that I didn’t make a big issue of it and just let the friendship take its natural course. She had not done anything I felt was really wrong and I don’t think she felt I had either, so it was easy for us to just pick back up and put the distance in the past.

I recently had another friend begin acting very strange and distant. I did discuss it with her but got no real answers. Took some time for me to learn that she had betrayed me and my family. I’ll probably never speak another word to her beyond a civil hello. It’s not a friendship I would ever want to resume and in fact, it’s a relief to not have her in my life.

If I were in your shoes, I would back far away from this friend because of her bizarre mentioning of your family member. It sounds like she’s attempting to provoke you or at least make you feel badly. No one needs that.

Friendships come and go - I've had similar but like HannaYeah I didn't make an issue of it and after a while - a number of years - the friend came back to me. But it had been so painful (in some ways as bad as losing a partner) I never felt quite the same way about the friendship again. I also made many new friends in the time we had been distanced from each other.

I've lost friends before OP and it's a genuine kind of heartbreak. Especially if you're not sure what's gone on or why. It sounds as if this friend has been very disrespectful of you. The best thing you can do is protect yourself, don't give him/her any more power. Stop trying to get in touch, don't respond to any communication from them, concern yourself with other things. The trajectory of this for me, wasn't straightforward. I did a lot of crying and wondering in my situation. But I've realised the situation, whilst saying a little about me, was more to do with this person's issues and I'm glad to be out of it. Look after yourself, losing a friend is a difficult thing to go through xx

I had a close friend for about 12 years. I realised when I moved further away from where she lived that our friendship was totally one sided. I lived too far away to be useful to her anymore and gradually she stopped calling me. I decided not to call her anymore to see if she would call me first. She didn't. And that was that. It was incredibly hurtful. We had babies at the same time, I did a lot for her when she had cancer and when her Ds was diagnosed with autism. I got nothing in return except criticism mostly. (Even at my wedding although I had paid for her and her DH to stay at a hotel).

I got over it and felt relived in the end. Her DH even had the cheek, years later to contact me asking for a freebie from our business. I didn't reply to him.

Some people are drains. She was most definitely one.

Feel your pain OP, I’m going through similar. A friend who is back and forth with me so much, I stopped making an effort and the minute I did she started being over the top friendly again!! Now she’s back to not bothering again, want to move on but hard when I have to see them everyday!

I think you have done the right thing in not questioning her further, from my own experience that can make the situation even more difficult. Agree with others on here about the pain in this type of situation and how normal it is for us to start overthinking and try to make sense of the old friend's actions. My husband who was the only one I confided of a past extremely painful similar situation, he told me to treat the situation and my own feelings with less emotional attachment. Easier said than done, but effective. I guess how male vs female reaction. Ie brush yourself off, carry on, there are other lovely people out there, new friendships to be found and learn from the experience. Don't take it too much to heart. My friendship losses have hurt like hell, but I've moved on, it takes time and it is hard.

Thanks for the responses, yes since seeing them around Christmas I have mentally distanced myself but this is someone I thought would be a dear friend for life, I’m just feeling a bit sad and sort of disbelieving. Being stuck at home with lots of time to think and limited distractions doesn’t help. The responses are really kind and thoughtful, thanks.

The only people who've never lost friends are the people who never made them in the first place.

It's shit when it happens. The way I tried to look at it was that I wasn't mourning the loss of the friendship as it currently was, or had been for a couple of years - I was mourning the loss of the friendship from years ago, when we were completely trusting and comfortable with one another. But that relationship was long gone.

If you look at it realistically, it's amazing that friendships last for very long at all. The type of person I was when I was 20, the things I was into, my hopes and dreams, it was all completely different by the time I was 30. The people who were my best friends at 20 - either they've not grown at all, or they've grown in different ways to me. Whatever the case it's statistically improbable that we will be as close because the only real bond is a shared past, not a shared present.

I guess what I'm saying is, most friends will only be there for a relatively short period of your life. You make new ones, you lose old ones. It doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with you or them, but it is a very difficult thing to be living through.

Hard going through it. Has it run its course? Had a good pal feel its gradually fizzling out. I did all the running. Just feel I got tired it. Few texts xmas birthdays thats it.!

CBT talks about cognitive distortions, one of them being all or nothing thinking, and it seems to me that maybe you’re falling into that a bit (I do too, often!)

Just because your friendship is over doesn’t mean you have to let go of everything positive it ever brought you. Be thankful for the good, acknowledge that it’s over, acknowledge that you are being healthy by not living in the past and then try and find something else to focus on- a new hobby or project or friendship etc.

It’s bloody hard though, and I’m sorry.

I recently 'broke up' with one of my closest friends after nearly 15 years of friendship.
It really hurt but for me it helped me to realize that the person I saw as my friend wasn't there anymore and she wasn't my friend anymore, she was momshaming me, avoiding me and probably gossiping about me as well. I miss the person she was but I sure as hell don't miss the toxic influence and frenemy she had become in the past year.

Don’t make the mistake I did: the friend would either cancel dates at the last minute or turn up hours late, lied to me and just acted coldly. I felt hurt, though I did try to discuss it with her but she burst into tears and told me that I couldn’t possibly know how awful her life was. It was extremely painful - resentment built up and then I exploded. We’d been together since our teens.

Sometimes you just grow in different directions. You have to let it go and move on. One of the surprising side effects of leaving the friendship was that I felt liberated and more myself if you know what I mean. She could be quite overbearing and dramatic and I felt free of all that drama and heaviness.

Good luck.

Many friendships fade or end over a lifetime. It's important to keep the good memories, but maybe view it as something that had sadly run its course, OP? At some point the relationship evolved from what it used to be into something that no longer worked for your friend, so they've moved on.

I'm sorry you're hurt. Losing friends is hard.

It took me years to genuinely be over being dumped by a close friend. I still wish he had given me some explanation, but nowadays I can honestly think "well, his loss". For a long time I felt so sad and shocked by it but one day it just didn't matter much any more.

Sometimes losing a friend can be almost harder than the end of a romantic relationship.

Often if a friendship ends it's a slow fizzle, and there's never really an "it's over" conversation. You can feel like there's no closure, no lessons to learn because you don't know what you did "wrong" and it can make you more guarded with friendships in future.

I've experienced a friendship ending and that person betraying me in the hugest way, similar to your friend becoming pals with your family member - but in my case x 100 and deliberately seeking the third person out to pass on information to damage me.

I don't trust anyone now. I have acquaintances and "friends", but there's always a wall up.

I agree about it being worse than a romantic breakup. I found talking to a grief counsellor helped me. It was like a kind of bereavement.

My ex-friend was incapable of taking any responsibility for the friendship ending. It was all my fault - I was crazy according to her mother! The reality was that we both played our part.

You will get through this though it is very raw for a while. I learned a great deal about myself and the mistakes I made in how enmeshed the friendship was.

Getting over a friendship is like getting over a romantic partner, it can be painful and make you feel bitter, angry, sad etc.

There's no way around it, you can only go through it unfortunately. Keep yourself distracted (I know harder at the moment), put your efforts into nurturing your other friendships - have a phone call with another friend, catch up with someone you haven't spoken to in a while etc. Do nice things for yourself, put your energy elsewhere.

Try to understand that it's disappointing but these things happen, we have friends which are only with us for one section of our life - there will be more friends in the future who we haven't met yet too. This too shall pass, and you'll feel better soon.

Going through similar so thank you for starting the thread - some very wise words on here. I feel less alone now. It IS a big deal.

My former best friend of 20 years has been distancing herself from me slowly over the last few years, but she is still in a few of my group chats which I find hard.

And at the root of it, I probably started the distancing first, because she did something about 8 years ago that I can't forgive/ get past (she doesn't even know she did it or rather, that I know about it.)

The incident was she thought I was asleep in a hotel room, (double bed) that we were sharing after a wedding, and she came back with a guy she was getting off with. I was drunk and a bit dozy, didn't know what to do so I just lay there embarrassed and eyes closed. I should have left obviously,
so I feel partly to blame for what happened next. After a bit she was laughingly asking him if he thought I was pretty, followed by them both sniggering. Then after another while and when THEY were snogging, he started touching ME intimately, thinking I was asleep WTF - I don't know whether or not she knew this. It is certainly possible. I got up and left the room. I had to find someone else from the wedding to crash with. I was my friend's Plus One, so they weren't really my friends although I did know them. She never mentioned the incident the next morning and I was too traumatised/mortified/hurt to bring it up.
Sorry, I feel better for writing it down. I feel I can never tell anyone in real life, it's so seedy.

Obviously it's never been the same since but she's still obstensibly in my life and as far as anyone knows, we are still friends. We had the best times together, she has many lovely qualities. It kills me that someone once so dear to me could do that. As the years go on, she's not been really supportive or there for me as I've gone through a marriage break up for example, and that hurts so much even though after that nightmare night I shouldn't want her to be my best friend any more anyway! I know this all says something worrying about me - why could I not confront her and why can I not just detach.

Fuck me KennethThePaige, your ex best friend is a cunt. She set you up to be sexually assaulted, watched and laughed about it. Had you been asleep you may well have been raped by the pair.

It's so hard Op. I'm grieving a friendship of nearly over 35 years. It's been two years since we saw or spoke.She is simply disinterested. DH and other friends say it's jealousy and I think some of it is, maybe not of me as a person I don't think but of our situation/s opportunities. I loved her dearly and we were friends from childhood.

Looking back though, she never did anything for me like I did for her, never made any effort and actually was quite snidey quite often. I'd rather she just said I hate you Squirrel, this is why etc. The last straw was when I lost someone very close to me and she was well aware but she didn't get in touch. Broke my heart all over again.

Thank you Incontinencesucks and apologies for the hijack OP - I wouldn't have been brave enough to even start a thread about my own story but I guess today was the day I could finally tell someone.
I would also have wanted to protect my friend's reputation, I know that sounds crazy too. I wouldn't have wanted people to think badly about my friend. I told one friend and she made the right sympathetic noises, but then she is still quite matey with the best friend, which makes me feel like it can't have been such an awful event? But then I'M still covering it up too, so what do I expect. I feel like other friends are very much in this girl's thrall too, so telling more people would make me feel worse, because they mightn't believe my version or something. They would still fawn over her....
Anyway, a friendship turning rotten really is painful and I conclude it can be more complicated/ harder to extract oneself from than even a marriage in my case, if there are overlapping circles of friends etc.

Really feel for you OP. I had a very close friend of many years who I royally pissed off through, by my own admission, being a bit of a cow. I feel terrible about what I did, and tried to make amends but DFriend was clearly no longer interested. It played on my mind for about 18 months and then gradually I started to forget about it - but without realising I was forgetting about it, iyswim. Then, by chance I saw DF in public recently (we don't live in the same town anymore) and...felt absolutely nothing. Not even anger or sadness or pain, literally nothing. It was like looking at a stranger.

What I'm saying is, allow yourself time to grieve but recognise like any grief it will get better!

Yeah I think it is just time. A friend of mine ditched me and became bestest buddies with another of my friends. It was so hurtful and it took me a good couple of years before I could genuinely feel not bothered. I am friendly to both of them now but quite happy not to be in their inner circle. I found it easier when I was going through it to unfollow them on Facebook and then I didn't see all the love ins.