Adult son at home!

[Njinkskyrulestoo]

DS (24) spent 28 days in rehab for addiction to weed and gambling (long story, years of depression and also affected my mental health and finances supporting him for an eight year period). He came out of rehab a supposedly reformed character and genuinely seemed dedicated to changing his life. From being depressed and very unhappy he seemed to have turned his attitude around, feel hope for the future and have plans. His discharge from the private clinic coincided with lockdown so he came to live with my DP and me. We have been nothing but supportive, getting the spare room ready, doing all we could to make him feel welcome etc. We had some frank and open discussions about his future and his dedication to keeping up with the 12 step programme etc.

After attending his Addiction Group once he opted out of the second week (before lockdown) because it ‘clashed with football on TV’. Then he started a job in construction which was still going on despite lockdown and lasted two days before lying to us and telling us the site had shut down, which we later found out wasn’t true. So basically he spends his days lying in bed, in his room or on the odd occasion going to his mate’s house. He doesn’t’ initiate any housework or cooking, has cooked just once under pressure in the last six weeks. Has to be asked to do anything such as hoover or put the bins out. Spends his whole time on his phone. Is now claiming Universal Credit and had a decent sum but has offered nothing towards his upkeep and my DP has said ‘don’t ask, we will continue to house/feed him and let him get on his feet’.

Now he has started going to his mate’s for longer periods (breaking social distancing to a degree) and also started smoking weed on a daily basis. I have gone mad at him and told him it has to stop but I am so worried and sad. It is causing problems between my DP and me. My DP has said if he can’t abide by our rules as it’s our house and money supporting him that he will change the locks when he’s out. DS is saying he will move out but there is obviously no-where to go. I go from being furious with him to feeling sorry for him that he’s bored and lonely, but his attitude towards us is disrespectful and dismissive, with no engagement at all.

I’ve always been too soft which is probably why this situation has arisen in the first place, but now I’m with my DP I need to consider his feelings too. DP is on furlough and I am still working full time.

Am I being unreasonable in laying down the law on house rules and asking for some contribution from his Universal Credit? Am I being unreasonable to expect him to somehow ‘better himself’ or look for some sort of work during this period, or is there nothing out there?

You say there’s nowhere for him to go if you chucked him out. What about the friend he is going to? You need to lay down the law and even if there is no paying work to be had he could volunteer.

28 days of rehab won't cure a lifetime of problems. He may have learnt how to control his addictions to gambling and drugs but that doesn't mean he is a "reformed character". It's amazing how positive someone can be when getting intensive support, but as soon as that support starts to be withdrawn, the negativity starts to creep back in. It takes a long time to "cure" oneself of addiction. Abstinence is one thing in a supported setting, but very different when faced with real life again. The most important thing to recovery is to avoid whatever situation led them to become addicted in the first place. (No money, no prospects, depression, whatever the cause may have been.)

To be honest he sounds like any number of mid-20s males. They feel that they should have made something of themselves by now, but haven't, and are beginning to realise that they quite possibly never will. Nothing to do with them, just that there is no point trying hard because it very probably won't pay off.

Now he has started going to his mate’s for longer periods (breaking social distancing to a degree)

He isn't breaking social distancing to a degree, he is breaking it full stop. Households aren't allowed to mix. Do you realise every time he goes out and does this he is risking you and your DPs life?

For one thing you should have charged him rent. This entitlement he feels is a real problem - even if you gave him the money back when he moved out, then you should have taken it from him in the first place.

You need to be tough now, OP. He's 24 and has clearly learned nothing. If you keep enabling him then he'll stay the same. Friends won't let him stay there without paying anything.