Crappy friend or am I just too sensitive?

[britbo]

How do you deal with someone who bombards you with messages when something important in their life is going on but doesn't even bother responding to certain messages when you have something to talk about? My friend always does this. When she has something to talk about it she's all in and then I don't really hear from her when she hasn't. Then when I have something to talk about, she'll take ages to reply and then sometimes ignores my message which I find frustrating. She thinks that I'm being sensitive and that this isn't true but I know it is. I feel like cutting her off but then I don't want to end a friendship on bad terms. How do I make her realise that a friendship is a two way thing without things getting awkward or me having to make all the effort? Might be a little too late for the awkward part but hey ho, any advice welcome!

I’ve had this. I didn’t cut off contact but I limit contact. I give the same responses they used to give. If they message me “something bad has happened” I’ll reply. Oh no! Hope all okay maybe I’m passive aggressive

I no longer invest in people who are like this

I think that sometimes in friendships you adopt roles without even knowing. Sometimes the choice is to actively try to change the role, except the friendship for what it is or end/ limit the friendship.

@LockedInTheHouse247 see I would do the same but I feel like that takes more effort to purposely give dead responses. This is the first time I've ever said anything so shall I give her a chance or just not bother anymore to save myself the ag?

What you are effectively saying is that you are there for your friend, but she is not there for you. If you think that constitutes a rewarding friendship then carry on, if not I wouldn't invest any more emotional energy in it. Being honest about your feelings (and it sounds like you are being) does not constitute a bad ending. Running away, ignoring her, any avoidant strategies does. Good luck.

You get used to it it no longer requires effort from me as I don’t invest anything anymore. We were really close spoke everyday, I had a baby, didn’t hear from them for 6 months. Then out of the blue I got a message. I had been trying to contact them during maternity but got crappy replies. So I no longer invest in them

Well, sounds like you tried to address it with her and she told you that you were over sensitive so I'm not hugely optimistic.

I think the only thing to do at this point is to just not be as available to her. You can't force someone to be available to you. It just doesn't work like that unfortunately. But you CAN choose whether you're going to be available to them. So next time she is going through something make sure that whatever response you give or emotional support etc is only as much as you can afford to give without wanting or expecting anything in return.

Treat her messages how she treats yours, just ignore them or give one poor response. Put her notifications on silent. I have a friend that does the same, ignores big life updates and waits until she can steer the convo to her before she responds. You’re under no obligation to reply to her :)

You can't change her response to you, only your response to her so change that!

I’ve had that too, I just stopped being interested in her stuff tbh. Gave one word/sad face responses like she gave me (and pretty much all our mutual friends)

It resulted in her bitching about me but meh. The people who matter to me knew what she was like anyway.

I agree with others give her a taste of her own medicine. I think I'd say it to her too she needs some self awareness.
If she continues then bin her.

My DSis would never reply to texts when I sent them. Even if it was something simple like, "are you busy right now? Need to speak to you." She read them but as many on MN believe, apparently she is under no obligation to acknowledge or reply to me. Fine. Whatever.

However when I stopped replying to her texts or I would reply using the same wording she ever sent me (like her single word answers sometimes) she questioned me and was annoyed at me.
I simply told her to scroll back X months on her texts and re-read them. I said nothing more than that. Maybe she made the connection, maybe she is still oblivious. Whatevs.

OP as you have brought it up already and been declared over-sensitive, just re-use a sample few months of texts. If she didn't reply to 5 texts in January, don't reply to 5 of hers. If her next text dismissed your issue and brought up her latest drama, do the same.
"Oh no, that must be a shame. Anyway, did you hear what Anne said to me last week?!" Type of stuff.

Turn it around and see how she feels about it. It's a shitty friendship either way so no loss when it's done but I wouldn't be happy leaving it without at least showing her why you're done with her and how it feels.

Unfortunately I think people who are naturally selfish enough to act like that won’t actually make the connection when you return the favour.

However it certainly made me feel better as I wasn’t brave enough to actually say anything (that bit is totally my own issue). It just made me feel more in control of the situation and that I didn’t need to pander to her like I used to

Just don't be as available.
If she values your friendship then she'll be more considerate. Let her do the work and see how it goes.

She thinks that I'm being sensitive

"You're too sensitive" is the mantra of people that don't like the fact that you are waking up to how shite they treat you.

Only invest what time and emotional energy you are happy to give without expecting any return. She sounds like a casual acquaintance more than a real friend.

I know two people like this . First one is a colleague who constantly bombards me with messages when her ds is ill. He’s has a number of illnesses in the last few months as he has low immunity ( Various viruses , Scarlet fever ,Shingles and gastroenteritis) . I’ve been off sick for the past week and she’s hasn’t texted me at all. Now this is someone who would text about 10 times day or night if she had a problem.

The other person is a casual acquaintance who sends frantic messages when anything goes wrong in her life . This could be anything from her daughter having a verrucae ( I’m not joking ) to serious issues like she’s going to take her own life . One day she could be threatening suicide and they next day she’s going on a date and is sending me photos of outfits and asking me which one to choose . My daughter was very ill with Covid 19 a few weeks ago and I mentioned it as she was bombarding me with messages . My message was read but never replied to . A few weeks later she texted all bright and breezy and never asked for my dd .

The last few weeks have made me evaluate a lot of things . In the past I’ve always replied to someone with a sick child as I’m a health care worker . I would always advise them to see a dr if worried and give general info on how to bring down a fever . In future I’m not going to open their messages as I’m just being used when it suits them

@Emilizz34 they both sound like the biggest users ever. That's how I sort of feel about this friend. She barely has any friends herself which I totally get why now. It's the not responding to certain messages that annoys me because I never really ignore anyone, I find it quite rude...

I've for a friend like this. I've just started doing the same thing back to her. It takes a week for you to bother looking at my message and replying? Fine, my reply will also take a week.

I used to have friends like this, and tried too hard to help every time. My ex best friend would spend hours on the phone to me talking about her problems (she was bi-polar, which was why I made allowances for her for so long), but she didn't want to know when it was me wanting to talk about something I was dealing with. She once asked me to 'change the subject'.

I have better boundaries these days, so I don't have friends like that anymore. I no longer try too hard to be there for everyone.

I'm sorry that you're finding this out, I know it's hurtful to realise that your friend doesn't value you as much as you value her.

There is no need to fall out or for any drama.

Just do not be available to her.

Mirror her behaviour exactly and move on.

Life is too short to be sweating over relationships that offer you nothing but disappointment.

I agree with PP I wouldn't do anything dramatic but I'd be probably be less willing to come running when she wanted me.

@britbo , yes I totally get this . I’m someone who is very assertive in person and would have no problem saying no if someone asks to to do something that I don’t want to do . However , for some reason I find it impossible to ignore a text message if someone is in any kind of trouble . I’ve learned a big lesson lately though .
I’m on a FB Group for health care workers in my area and mentioned in passing that I was unwell . I received several messages from people that I’ve never met in person but who I would chat to about health care issues offering to do my shopping etc and leave it outside the door . These were genuine offers and not just lip service . It was very touching to get these messages .