Just upset

[stepawayfromthegin]

I've posted on MN occasionally. Usually for advice as I'm quite indecisive! I have a ds aged 16 with ASD and a dd aged 11. I have a lovely Dh who works away a lot. I've always put my family first, always trying to help Dh with his career, agreed to support him going to the middle east with work to further his career whilst I looked after the kids. I have absolutely no support network at all. My mum died when my ds was a baby and my in-laws choose not to get involved. I learned how to look after a baby from a book. My dad is severely disabled and I look after him too. I'm not complaining, this is just the way it is.

As I've said I occasionally post for advice - about schools with my dcs, about mental health - I had a break down seven years ago and became suicidal. I got through it and I'm ok now. My posts often receive quite upsetting replies that make me feel that I am a terrible person. What's wrong with me?

I've not seen any of your other posts but you don't sound anything close to a terrible person. You sound like a person who has a tough life in many ways and is doing their best. Mumsnet is not always the most supportive place, especially not on this AIBU section.

People are harsh on here for many reasons and a lot of it is nothing to do with the person who is posting for advice. It's a lot easier to be harsh from behind a screen. Maybe you could look for advice from more specialist sections on here, or look at building up your real life support network.

But to answer your question: NOTHING is wrong with you.

There's nothing wrong with you. Unfortunately that's the nature of both exposing you and your life to strangers on the internet.

But also, you're posting for 'advice'. That doesn't mean a fluffy hug. It means you get a broad range of opinions, good and bad. The idea is that you reflect on them all (except the obvious abuse/trolls) and it helps you come to a decision.

Tough answers on here can actually be helpful if you're open to them but you sound very vulnerable, and like you want more of a sounding board than advice from a forum. Have you thought about counselling, that may be more what you're looking for?

What sparklfairy said. You have a lot on your plate & sound like you need a bit of support. You're not a terrible person. Counselling is a v good idea.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I recently posted about leaving my job - I'm a 1:1 TA. I do my absolute best for the child I'm with but I'm finding it tough. I care about him and I worry about him. He leaves the school in July and my contract will end then. I'm considering resigning because I don't think I'm good enough but also because I'm worried about being in a confined space with a lot of child, as lovely as they are, getting C-19 and giving it to my dad. My dad is very disabled, has heart failure and left hospital a few weeks ago after recovering from pneumonia. I just want to protect my dad.

Anyway I asked about this and was told I should resign, the child deserves better than me and that if we all 'refused to work' then the country would be screwed.

I do my best at my job but its probably not enough. I'm not refusing to work, I just worried about my dad. That's all. I feel like absolute shit now.

I'm sorry you feel bad.
Do you post your threads in aibu?

If so, you need to use other topics. Mental health. SN, etc.

No need to feel like shit. Think some people are braver at being arseholes on here than real life.

You know in your heart how you feel. Hold no guilt for making decisions that's in your best interests.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad too. Is he being well looked after? Are you? What sort of support do you have in real life?

Thank you for your replies.

I have no support at all in the real world. That's just the way it is. My mum was my dads carer and she died some years ago. She was my best friend. So my brother and I look after dad now. As I've said he's very disabled but lives alone at his insistence. I've told him he can move in with me but he doesn't want to - fair play to him. I'm not close by to dad as I moved for my ds to go to a school that could support him properly. I shop for dad, clean for him, phone him every day, I even cut his hair. I sort his medication. I have to go in lockdown but I wear gloves and a mask as I worried about infecting him.

My Dh says it's fine if I want to leave my job - I was thinking about doing a degree (something for myself) as I didn't do higher education when I was younger as I got a job to help my Dh get through uni.

Maybe this isn't the right place or forum, I agree.

Thank you again

You are fine. You are doing more than a lot of people including me. It’s reasonable to have the concerns you do and these are hard decisions so ignore the twats who act like it’s all so easy

Have you namechanged? It means we can't offer any advice about e.g. whether you are posting in the wrong place or anything.

When you post a question and get rude replies, if you're not posting anything weird that either means you've worded it so you come across badly, or the people replying are the ones with the problem.
The internet is full of people with problems, just like you. A poster telling you to piss off might have serious mental health issues, or be a 14-year-old boy here to annoy people, or someone who's feeling upset and lashes out unthinkingly, or pissed as a fart and no idea what forum they are even on.

By posting on a public forum you're always making yourself vulnerable to abuse. If you post somewhere and are deeply upset by the response, probably best to try posting somewhere else another time. Or to look for help offline instead.

Ahh, so you work in education; that's why you've had loads of shitty replies, everyone loves a good teacher bash. Seriously OP, don't give them a second thought, you sound like you're doing a good job in the circumstances.

I saw your TA thread this morning. I’m sorry if people were horrible to you about it. There’s a section of posters on here who have a real bug up their arse about teachers and school staff so their reactions say everything about that and nothing at all about you.
You’re caring for a vulnerable relative and you’re not enjoying your job. If it is safe to do so (is your 1:1 still attending school?) then I would carry on as part of the staff rota. If you’re in every day and there is no adequate protection for you then resign now, because your health and the health of those closest to you is what is most important. We take care of that, then we see what we have left to give to other people.

Sorry you've had negative responses OP. I can imagine that's really upsetting when you just want some support and compassion.

I do think AIBU can be a bit of a bear pit - people often interpret the OP in the most negative way possible.

There is nothing wrong with you but plenty wrong with the horrible people who post unkind comments.

I was once in a really low place and seriously wanted to die. I tried someone said ting the doctor and because I didn't within three minutes I got a load of abuse. Some people just don't have the intelligence to realise it isn't just as simple as ringing for help, cheering up, pulling yourself together.

Many years ago some posters were so worried about me they clubbed together and sent me a beautiful bunch of flowers and a huge box of chocolate. That would never happen now. MN is too big, too impersonal in the majority and some people just haven't the kindness gene.

I've no recollection of who did it for sure but if it was you, it meant a lot and I've never forgotten it.

Take care.

Thank you for your kind words everyone. I probably worded my first post badly - I was just tired and I didn't think.

Thank you again xx

Wow you sound like you have plenty to worry you. YOu also sound like you have had a bad time and have recovered well.

You are not a bad person.

Asking for advice bring a range of reactions across a spectrum of opinions. Perhaps post in the threads regarding a particular section rather than in the main thread? You will probably get answers from people in similar positions etc then.

Look after yourself and your family, stay safe and try not to let others upset you.

Echoing what many others have said, MN is quite a nasty place to be right now. I assume lots of people are stressed about jobs, CV, etc and so take their frustration out on MN posters. AIBU has always been a bit shitty, but the vipers seem to have infected lots of other boards too lately.

It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job supporting your family. Great that DH is happy for you to leave the job if that's best for you - which it might well be given the infection risks, particularly for your father.

I'm guessing that if you lived with your dad, you might be getting official advice to isolate, and therefore some rights not to attend work, but the fact that he is not part of your household works against you.

Maybe this will turn out to be an opportunity to consider a new direction - have the confidence to see that as a positive.

I really struggle with this, even on anonymous online forums.

Just a thought

www.google.com/amp/s/www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/amp/

You can talk to us here, we're not all bad

It does seem though that you've taken a few personal insults to heart, rather than maybe the response to your thread as a whole? I haven't seen it, so maybe not, but as I said because you're vulnerable you've come away feeling 'shit' when I'm sure there was at least one post that tried to help

Easier said than done, but ignore the bitches. If I'm being kind about them, many don't mean to be nasty as such, more what they're trying to say comes out really bluntly for a variety of reasons. I've had to reword posts so many times because I sound like an arsehole but I'm actually pretty nice, honest!