WIBU to try and forget about his family?

[brillupnorth]

NC for this.
Ds is 5 and has never met his (half)brother who is 20 and at uni at the other end of the country. About 18 months ago his brother said he'd definitely like to meet him (this was communicated via his mum, he doesn't contact us directly). By September I'd given up on this happening, had heard nothing, no response to the birthday card and money sent, so I gave up hoping and stopped saying anything to ds. Then a gift arrived (via the mum) for ds and another mention of meeting up. Christmas gifts again and hopes to meet in the spring. We actually arranged a date and place to meet up but then lockdown put a question mark over this. I contacted the mum to say it might not happen if lockdown was extended and asked for an address for ds to write to his brother. I've heard nothing back at all. She is a key worker (not medical) and was still working when we last had contact. They are active on SM so I know they are ok. Should I just give up? It's unfair on ds and I hadn't mentioned the meeting we'd arranged just in case it didn't happen. He's only met his dad once (as a toddler) as he's not interested so I don't want him thinking his brother doesn't care either. I feel I've been kept dangling with this intention of them meeting for about 3 years now as there was mention of it many times before his brother said he definitely wanted to meet. What would you do? WIBU to just forget them?

I would just keep in contact but not get your hopes up and definitely don't mention it to DS. Since he lives so far away it's unlikely they'll be big parts of each other's lives but it might be nice in the future for DS to be able to find his half brother so it would be good to maintain some level of contact.

I agree with previous poster x

Maybe im missing something but why are you sending a bd card and money to your sons half brother who it appears you don’t know?

A 20 year old student is going to have very little interest in a 5 year old, even if it is his half brother, particularly since he’s never met you and you don’t have anything to do with his father any more. As nice as it would be for your son to meet his brother, you have never met, you don’t talk to each other, and he has made no moves to make it happen. I’d give it up. He might want to when he matures a bit but for now it’s not worth the time or heartache.

Ah sorry, I should have said that I do know his brother and have done since he was about 8. Ive known his dad for 30 years. Ive not seen either of them for a few years now though.

Keep contact. Mum may not want to answer on behalf of her son. You're doing the right thing . Maybe dc could write the letters and send to the mum's address and she can pass them on to her son. Your persistence will hopefully keep open the channels of communication for dc, and hopefully his half brother will come to appreciate having that family connection.

I’d keep in contact. It’s lovely that the mum has done anything at all to facilitate contact, so he must be coming from a good place. Getting in touch with a 5yo that he’s never met was never going to be a high priority for a 20yo at university, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to see his brother, just that he’s not a top priority as is normal. You can keep the lines of communication open without talking to your child about it.

I find it hard to deal with the proposed meeting up and then it not happening. It's very emotional for me. His dad was someone I loved very much and he threatened suicide when I told him I was pregnant. He has bad-mouthed me to the brother and anyone who would listen for getting pregnant. I feel like I'm just waiting on them all the time and I have little say. I still think of his brother as a child as he was about 14 when I saw him last but he's an adult now and his mum shouldn't need to be organising things but I'm glad that she has tried.

I've decided to just leave it. If she gets in touch I'll see how I feel then but after so long of saying they want to meet then letting me down then I'm not jumping when she says so. One time they let me down the day before they were due to visit. He was only a baby then so that makes nearly 5 years of waiting for them to arrange to meet up and it actually happen.