Toddler behaviour

[littleleeleanne]

Posting on here for traffic ... I'm desperate for help

Background - me, husband, 15 month old girl & 31 month old boy (slight speech delay)

My little boy is so hard to handle and I just do not know how to deal with it

So he will lay over my daughter and she will be screaming and he will not move, I will calmly say please can you get off (using names), I can say this four, five times - nothing, he will not budge

He will choose to bite, slap and pinch me or my husband when he's angry - we try and go with 'we understand you're angry but it is not ok to hurt'

My daughter will be minding her own business and he will run up to her and just push her over. They can be happily playing together and he will just get a toy and smack it round her head

I'm not saying she is completely innocent in all of this, as numerous times she can get a bit handsy. However, he WILL NOT listen, we cannot make any progress with him it feels. How do I get him to listen & stop hurting?

He has also just started whining so much ... even family members on FaceTime have said where's Mr Chilled gone 🤯

The hurting has been going on for ages and I'm close to tears as I feel like I'm failing my children 😢

YABU for not using years for ages, sorry OP but your son is 2 1/2 (ish) not 31 months.

Back to the actual problem, what discipline have you tried? He is old enough now to know this is wrong, have you tried the ‘naughty step’? Not sure what the actual accepted term for it is now.

Reward charts? Etc?

That probably came across a bit harsh, sorry about that. You are NOT failing your children!

Lol, thanks for the second message. Sat here thinking really, is that what we're going to get caught up on here 🙄 I think I only did my son in months as I did my daughter in months. 🤔🙈

We tried the naughty step about 5-6 months ago I would say, to which the health visitor told me wasn't a good idea 🥵 she said he doesn't understand but I personally think he is quite intelligent

You are not failing your DCs, you have two very young children. This is usually quite a difficult time for DCs and you also have the added stress of the weird times we live in which is bound to affect the DCs.

I think you need to intervene a bit more with DC1's behavior. If he is hurting his sister you need to physically remove him. I would try various strategies and see which one helps. He is quite young so you may need to adjust your approach. I would try positive reinforcement, so explain what behavior you want simply and clearly and reward immediately when he does it. Seek for opportunities to reward, so small and easy things should be rewarded as well as more challenging behaviors. I would also have some immediate consequences for bad behavior, especially the behavior that is dangerous for his sister. It may take him a while to grow out of it though.

You need some sort or punishment, like naughty step. We started it at 2, the first few times i had to put dd back on it 20 times, but she did apologise.

If he is hitting,/biting you shouldn't be calm! 1 warning and then physically removing them from situation explaining what they are doing is naughty.

You aren’t failing your children. If you are, I am too as my DTs are similar who are nearly 2.5.

For the sitting on top of each other or body slamming I give them one warning to get off of the other and if they don’t do it I remove them and tell them off then try distracting them with playing. It’s confusing though as sometimes they play rough and tumble, so they think it’s ok, and it is until one or other has enough!

My ds has a speech delay too, and oh my god the whinging that kid has been doing recently!! I think it’s because he’s so frustrated at not being able to talk. But it’s non stop and is really getting us down. I find attention and trying to figure out what he needs coupled with some distraction helps, but it’s very frustrating. I’m waiting for his 27 month assessment as we’ve been told we’ll be able to get a referral to a speech therapist then.

So, no real advice, hopefully someone who’s come out the other side will be along with the magic answer. Until then, you’re not alone, and we aren’t failing them!

You are definitely definitely definitely not failing your children! Toddlers are so difficult! Honestly I wouldn’t say he’s doing anything out of the ordinary for his age, at this stage in their development they have an understanding of right from wrong but zero impulse control and get frustrated very easily and don’t know how to communicate these frustrations without anger/violence! (And then you add a lockdown to this and it becomes near on impossible). Honestly you need to find a technique that works for you guys, some people like the chair/naughty step. Some people prefer to calmly move the child away from the situation over and over again with actually placing them in any form of ‘time out’, some people prefer time ins... but what works for one might not work for you or your son! Try having a google of the different styles and seeing which ones sounds the best to you, but honestly please know you’re a great mum and you’re not failing anyone!

How much language does your DS have?
Is he otherwise developmentally age appropriate?

Both my DC have/had speech disorders. I don't think your son's behaviour is unusual, he will be a little ball of frustration with no impulse control. What we've done with DS is to physically lift him off DD (she's older but very gentle), say "we do NOT bite/hit/whatever we use GENTLE HANDS" in a firm but not shouty tone then give DD lots of attention. DS can join in again when he shows he can be gentle. Also, pile on the praise for good interactions however small - "DS you're waiting for that toy beautifully!" "DS you're playing so nicely with your sister!" "Those are lovely gentle hands DS, well done." This is not a quick fix! You're battling frustration, a suddenly mobile interloper Touching His Stuff and taking your attention, and an immature brain. Just keep a good eye, be consistent, he will get there. My DS is 3.1 and is generally a very sweet and gentle little boy now. DD went through a similar stage but DS was only a newborn at the time so didn't really feature on her radar.

What stood out for me is you asking 4/5 times for him to get off his sister. My ds is a bit 'spirited' 😬. What works for him is setting the expectations - so if we're going on the trampoline 'we will play nicely, keep our hands to ourselves and not push, if you hurt your sister you will be sitting on the step for 3 minutes, do you understand?'. Then the first time it happens - 'this is your warning'. If it happens again - straight off the trampoline and on the naughty spot, tell him why - 'you're here because you pushed, didn't listen etc' and then turn around and have as much fun as possible for 3 mins with his sister so he sees what he's missing. Consistency and being very clear about expectations helped loads.

We do counting and it usually panics her into doing it. I count to 5 then physically remove her from whatever she is doing and tell her off. Then tell her if she does it again a toy will be taken away. Lots of praise for good behaviour though. Seems to work.

I'm another one for physically removing him and intervening more robustly. He's still only really young and I've had the same problem with mine with a similar age gap to yours. It didn't stop until I actually removed my DD - they cannot regulate their emotions at that age and we need to help them. Please don't use the naughty step.

You need to ignore your HV. My DS is now almost 5 and is not remotely emotionally traumatised because of the naughty step.
Tell him off (first warning) tell him he has one chance to correct his behaviour (giving him responsibility) and if he doesn’t put him on the naughty step. Keep him on there for 2 mins then explain to him why he was on it and to apologise. He will probably run off but keep putting him back on and starting the time again.
He will soon learn, my DS didn’t speak until late, but he understood make no mistake!

Also agree with @Incrediblytired lots of praise for good behaviour too

How delayed is his speech? Have you considered teaching him some basic sign language?

You've already had lots of good advice to address the negative behaviours so I don't have anything useful to add there. But I did wonder if some basic sign language might help with some of the frustration he might be feeling. There's loads of videos online to show you the gestures.

I'm intrigued why you think OP needs to ignore the advice of someone trained in the latest advice for children's development? He's still only really young, I really don't think punishing for behaviour out of his control will help.

The advice you HV have may or may not have been correct but 5/6 months is a really long time for a 2 year old.

I'm the first to admit my parenting is probably too authoritive for Mumsnet, but it does sound like your son needs more discipline. Not "punishment" per se but consequences for his actions. Naughty step works because you are removing him for his behaviour and giving him really minimal attention. Currently he is getting attention for it, even if it is negative.

Be firm, be consistent. Children need firm boundaries to feel safe and stay safe.

*your HV gave

This phone doesn't like past tense.

My DS and DD are 2.5 and we have this issue more with DD pushing/hitting/scratching DS, I think the best way we manage is to do one gentle but authoritative warning, if she doesn’t listen, sharper (but not angry) instruction. Then physically remove her from his space and take her into another room (supervised) once she calms down (as she invariably gets angry/upset if we take her away from what she’s doing) we cuddle, explain as best we can why she was removed and take her back into the living room (where most of their toys are).

Also as PP said, positive reinforcement for nice interactions are key, no matter how small. You don’t have to gush, just compliment good behaviour “it’s nice you are letting DS play with that toy” (DD is a toy hoarder and will try to take whatever her brother is playing with).

Both my twins are language delayed but it’s quite clear they understand more than they can speak (if that makes sense). It can take a while for the behaviour to improve but consistency is key and ensuring each DC has attention when they seek it (when appropriate) is also important I’ve found.

I used to be quite structured in what 1-2-1 time I gave my DD and DS but as they’ve gotten older I mostly take my cues from them on when they want attention from me on an individual basis. That of course is subject to change 😂

OP, your son is nearly 3. It’s really confusing to use months after they turn 2.

How badly speech delayed? Are there other communication issues or development issues? I’d there any possibility of ASD?

*is

Naughty steps rarely works, and certainly it for such a young child. My daughter is almost 4 and very intelligent. She wouldn’t sit there either.

Osirus I'm not sure what being highly intelligent has to do with it? My dc stayed on the step because I was clear in my expectations and there were clear, fair consequences. Both my dc have been moved ahead a year in school (not UK) so it hasn't impacted their intelligence!

Keep it simple if he hurts anyone hold his hand look him in the eye and say “no biting” and then walk away. He’s to young for waffle explanations.

Sorry posted to soon, ask him to come and say sorry and then explain why we don’t hit. Keep it short and sharp. He needs to know it’s not ok. And it he doesn’t say sorry then ignore him till he does.