to ask if there's anyone here with a 'normal' body and is confident?

[caradelvigna]

I'll start by saying that by 'normal' I mean average; so with wobbly bits, stretch marks etc. All the things the media erases and that many people often feel self conscious about.

I've had a baby. My boobs are significantly different sizes due to breastfeeding for 18 months. Over 3 sizes different. My belly is wrinkly and VERY stretch marked. That will never change. I am never going to consider surgery as I couldn't justify it (plus I am way too chicken) so in stuck with the way I look.

I started seeing someone a few months back. We haven't had sex yet (I experienced sexual abuse prior and serious verbal abuse based around what my body looked like - he doesn't know this but has been perfectly fine with taking things slow).

I've been left with severe anxiety around what my body looks like. The idea of being naked in front of the man I'm seeing makes me feel panicky. I feel like he's going to think I'm disgusting and ditch me for this reason. This may be irrational but I can imagine there must be many people out there who feel the same.

My issues with my body are very deep seated and I am seeking help for that and have been having counselling for months, however I can't see myself ever falling out of this anxiety and panic surrounding my body image. I think about it 24/7. My self esteem is rock bottom.

Can anyone help? Is it possible for me to feel confident in myself again?

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs. The app on my phone always deletes then after I post.

were you ever confident of your body?

I don't get why you are so worried... you probably don't look any worse than the rest of us... forget the bloke but keep on with the counselling and work on your mental health.

@cybernan before I had my son I was super confident. I had great boobs and a flat stomach. It's a big change plus months and months of being told I am disgusting.

Pregnancy took its toll on my body, I've been left with saggy surplus skin and a CS overhang. I'm not thrilled about it, and it took a couple of years to accept it was part of me, not helped by the fact that it's pretty numb so doesn't really feel attached!

I'm no lingerie model (not that I ever would have been with my B cups and pear shaped lower body, but I have no embarassment about it. The idea about communal single sex changing rooms would not concern me. It's better to focus on the positives that your body does for you, creating a family, running long distances in my case.

It is definitely possible for you to feel confident again! It’s great you’re having counselling.

For me, I’m working on not seeing my body’s aesthetic appeal as being so important. It’s a struggle, though. I totally empathise.

I wore a bra all the time for years, and wouldn’t take it off for sex... it kind of worked in that I didn’t have to worry about what they looked like, but I’m not sure it was the healthiest approach!!

Oldest ‘baby’ is 17 and had them when I was late 20s. Had the stretched tummy ever since - wouldn’t wear a bikini but ok about it and never made a deal of it in front of my kids.

Always think of Colin Hendry’s wife 80s footballer). She hated her stomach like this and had surgery and died of an infection.

Many wobbly bits, many stretch marks on belly despite no children, wonky and saggy boobs and lots of cellulite here. I'm anywhere between a 16 and a 20 depending on time of year. And I truly love my body 💙 it took me a long time to get there but we only get one, and it does amazing things - yours has grown and fed a human child!!

Not sure if I have any useful advice but didn't want to read and run - it's definitely possible to love a normal, wobbly, stretched/saggy body because it's yours. And the odds are good that your new man will love your body even if you don't :)

Any man worth showing your body to would be grateful to be allowed to see it and love you x

I had severe body image issues/poor self concept/cripplingly low self esteem, stemming from sexual abuse in early childhood and early adulthood. Wasn't helped by my mother saying throughout my childhood that overweight people were lazy, disgusting and useless.
Self-concept/schemas can be changed, but its taken a lot of hard work on my part to change that. The reality is I'm a couple of stone overweight and could do with reducing calorie intake, improving overall nutrition and upping my activity levels.
The key difference with me has been to accept that my value does not decrease if my weight increases. And, no, I don't like what I see in the mirror, but I do quite like my personality/character.

Unless you're 18 and never had children, it's pretty inevitable we all have bits about our body we don't feel are great..

At 56 i have Varicose veins on my legs, stretch marks on my boobs thanks to my dear children, and other bits i could focus on, but thats life and tbh i don't care..

If a man i was seeing was bothered by such things he can jog on!

Keep up with the counselling, and try to love who you are, focus on the positives as you've got a beautiful child to show for it, and thats worth whatever you have sacrificed! I'm sure you're a lovely lady, and thats whats important..

Me, but I never had a 'perfect' body flat tummy etc and never strived for one. I love my wobbly bits and wouldn't swap my body at all. I'm a 14 now, was always a 12 pre 40, don't believe in diets, but I do eat healthy and walk everywhere ( pre lockdown ). I have never had anyone be rude about my body though or put me down in the way you describe so please don't be hard on yourself. Whoever said that to you is the one with the issues. I'm sure you're just perfect the way you are.

Your new man obviously finds your body attractive tho, he has seen your shape, albeit clothed . Does that help? We all have bits we hate. Is there anything you like that you can emphasise to boost your confidence? Hair, nails, nice skin etc? Stretch marks usually fade over time , but if you do it religiously, baby oil after a bath or shower makes them almost disappear. . Re the boob issue, you won't be breastfeeding forever. Wonder bra's come in cotton now & give great uplift. If you took out the removable pads on one side, that'd even out the diff sizes thing until normal service resumes. That should help your confidence too. Well done on getting Counselling on it too, that should help.

He wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you attractive.

Yes it is possible.

I've always been happy with my body, and it's not because I'm a supermodel. I have small boobs (and I mean, as in A-cups, I'm not one of those women with C-cups bemoaning that my boobs are 'invisible') with innie nipplies, I have always had a tummy, and no defined waist to speak of. I have good legs, but I have two massive scars on one of my hips from childhood operations. I think this inherent lack of 'perfection' helped me not to care about it.

I get annoyed at this idea that every woman must think she is beautiful or sexy. We don't expect that of men! I don't especially think about 'loving my body', it's just it's not where my value as a human being lies . When you think about it, women have been objects to be traded for millennia and it takes a looooong time to get over that mindset that our only value is in being 'pretty' enough and 'the desirable body shape' to get married and have a good man take care of all your needs. Uhm - we don't need to do that anymore (FYI, I am married myself, but no one has to be) - we can make our own money and do our own thing.

Also, women look better naked then men. Men know roughly what they're getting into when they see you when you have your clothes on. They like naked women. They're really not likely to go 'Actually, put 'em back on, love'. I love the fact that I know most blokes would be excited by me naked, imperfections and all.

@slith I agree. The issue is definitely with me. Me ex told me my boobs were disgusting and tried to dictate my breastfeeding because it was ruining my body. He watched me out on bio oil and wouldn't let me go to bed without using it (I now would never buy it and can't even look at it in a shop). He made me go to the gym when I was 6 months pregnant. It was quite severe emotional abuse. So the worry is what I look like naked. My clothes are like my comfort blanket.

Me, pretty much. I dgaf

From the age of about 14 until my pregnancies I hated my body. I was so uncomfortable in my skin. I thought I was fat. Looking back on photos of that time now, I was skin and bone. I looked so skinny, as if I was ill.

Don't know what happened about having kids - I put on weight. Some bits of my body got worse, some got better (goodbye flat(ish) stomach, hello not-quite-as-empty/saggy boobs). I think something made me realise that I was never going to be satisfied with every part of me, and that holding myself to the standard of childless models was a ridiculous recipe for misery.

I also avoid glossy mags, celeb news etc like the plague. I follow some body positive women on Instagram (slumflower is great!). I can honestly say that that has changed my view of what counts as beauty.

Do you do any exercise regularly? I think it helps not because it gives you a gym body but because it makes you view your body differently, not as an ornament but as a tool that is strong and can do the things you want (you grew a baby! Celebrate that, your body is incredible). Keep up the counselling as well and remember if a sexual partner is rude about your body then they don't get to have sex with you again, their loss!

And think of Effie Gray, she was married to the awful John Ruskin who was repulsed by her very young and very beautiful body but had the marriage annulled and went on to have a long, happy and fruitful marriage with a man who loved her.

“I don’t want to have sex with you because of your stretch marks”

Said NO MAN EVER!

I have stretch marks and a wobbly tummy an cellulite but I’ve had 4 kids and I think I look pretty good actually! And dh thinks I’m gorgeous so that’s all that matters. I even wear a bikini on the beach!

You’ve just got to get over it. Fake it til you make it and all that -Otherwise you’ll never have sex again! Confident women really are very sexy. I bet he’s not got a perfect body has he, but you still fancy him right?

It’s no wonder you feel the way you do after your dickhead ex’s comments but please don’t let him ruin the chance of future happiness with a nice person.

If you are on Instagram I really recommend looking at and following Bodyposipanda

I still remember what one of my male friends said to me when I was a teenager at uni. You don't look at the fire place when you're stoking the fire. A bit vulgar. But it's true.

This isn't really about anyone else though OP. It's about you and your abusive ex who has obliterated your self esteem. Stop focusing on your new relationship and focus on yourself. You need to find the self esteem from within you and how you feel about yourself, not what another person thinks about you or what you look like.

I think PP had it right. It's not about thinking your amazing or beautiful, it's about being detached from that and realising that isn't all that you are. You all of the things about you, not just what you look like.

Me. Was pretty happy and accepting of my body anyway. Took up swinging and any hangups I had have definitely now gone. Learned to accept myself as is.

I have seen women of all ages in their glorious nakedness doing all manner of things. Wearing all manner of outfits or none at all. Likewise men in their wonderful diversity too.

Sexy, confident and attractive women of all shapes, sizes and imperfections having social and sexual fun. All being accepted and appreciated for themselves. I have met women with significant physical disabilities, significant scars, mastectomies, inverted nipples, and every shape possible. They all seemed very confident and there was definitely no "normal", just lots of individuals enjoying themselves.

Yep me! I had to train myself though, and sometimes I do slip up and think ‘oooh I wish I looked like so and so’.
But actually I decided that I wanted to role model to my daughter and so I just decided one day to not care. And it worked. I now wear what I like and always wear a bikini on the beach. It’s liberating. It took a bit of practice, probably about a year to be fair. But I’m 7 years in now and not wavering.

(My old self would have thought, am only 5’2” and weigh 10 stone. Very pale skin and boobs like soggy tea bags. Tummy sticks out further than boobs and I have c section over hang. Also no waist at all. I’m very broad shouldered and muscular looking). But I now think to myself, ‘all my body works, nothing hurts, I’ve grown children, and my body did exactly what I wanted it to. I’m strong and limber and healthy and I can run around with the children. So yeah, I am happy with my body and if anyone doesn’t like how it looks, they are welcome to look the other way.

Oh yes as Annoys says.
Fake it til you make it

Absolutely what I did. Told myself so much that I was confident and didn’t care what anyone else thought, that one day I realised I actually didn’t 😁

Weirdly, I have no advice, as I absolutely hate my body. I have put on so much weight over the last three years (depression?) that my husband and I haven't had sex for 8 months. I am literally repulsed by myself, and don't want to be touched by anyone.

Reading the above advice, though, has made me feel slightly better about things. I hope it helps you as well.

If you are on Instagram I really recommend looking at and following Bodyposipanda

I recommend no social media.

Your body has bore children. Your body has got you through your life.

Don't let your mind trick you into thinking your body is 'wrong'

Do not be hard on yourself because your exterior is not perfect.

I'm not perfect, but I appreciate my body. What it's done and what it's been through.

Learn to accept yourself.