Just need a handhold to vent I think!

[Feelingsolost1]

I'm not even sure if this is OK to post right now, I know so many more people have it worse than I do, but I am struggling so bad. I have a constant headache, a constant full feeling in my chest of anxiety, it feels my chest will burst open any minute now, my throat feels tight, I'm so tired and even my hair is thinning. I'm in a home with my in laws (we stay here and have done for the last year - another thread) my 2 children and my husband, my marriage is well and truly over I think, we don't get on, we can't have a normal conversation, I do all cooking, cleaning, look after the children, homeschool, washing, I wake up early with the kids, DH sleeps till what could be midday, with no care in the world. If I ask him to help with anything, he sighs or takes my head off. I have quite serious mental health issues and I have absolutely nowhere to turn, I have been considering going to my mums, to stay, but she's a key worker and I don't want to be part of the problem.. So I stay here, I sit in my room (when the kids don't need me) and I'm just not sure how much more I can handle. Aibu to just want to run away and never come back?!

YANBU
Anyone would want to run in your situation. It sounds a miserable existence.
You are allowed to move, if necessary, during the lockdown. I suppose the risk of going to DM is that she is still working & could bring something back to you & the children but the benefits to your mental health may be worth the risk if you can stay separate from her in her house.
Re the thinning hair & anxiety, have you ever had your thyroid, iron, vitamin D & B12 checked?
I would also consider booking a telephone consultation for a chat with your Dr, if you are able to chat in private.

If you need online support you can email if unable to chat. So sorry you are feeling like this

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Thank you for those links. I'll have a look. I feel like everything is just pushing me to the edge, my sons behaviour is shocking, I'm trying my best but I just feel like I'm not half the mum I was a month ago. If I bring any issue up with DH, he flips it round on me, even if it has no truth behind it. I'm exhausted, my eyes sting all day long. I haven't had them checked for a long time, I did have low iron and b12 whilst pregnant with my son a few years ago, and was put on medication but no checks since. I began taking hair supplements last week and have been looking at special serums to use on my scalp at night to help with thickening it back up. I usually see my psychologist once a week, but haven't saw him since January because of covid. I also see my doctor once every 3 weeks but haven't again, in ages. I'm still taking my medication, doctor upped my anxiety medication but it doesn't seem to be doing an awful lot. Again, I know there's so many worse off than I am.. But I really don't know how to cope any longer with it all.

Go live with your mum. Take the children, and recover.

contact GP or psychologist to see if MH support can be provided online?

Another issue I have though is that my mums not maternal at all, she would have us, but probably wouldn't be over the moon about it. She hates mess and noise and can become quite moody with the kids. My dad was amazing but he passed away a few years ago. I also feel like ill be looked at like I need to get a grip, everybody else is going through this too, not just me, that makes me more anxious. I'll contact psycology and see if I can have an email address for my psychologist, good idea. Thanks