To be annoyed with older relative for going out shopping?

[SerendipitySunshine]

I realise I am not in charge of my relatives, but AIBU to be annoyed and concerned that my aunt has been out shopping? She's not on the very vulnerable shielding list but she's over 70 and recovering from cancer, so we've been trying to organise deliveries for her (she lives alone, at a distance, and has no children).
I have spent a lot of time chasing supermarket delivery slots and when none were available, organising her local shops to deliver basics each week.
Admittedly, I cant get all her regular brands and some of the treats she likes, but I think at a time of emergency, we all have to change our habits a bit. She has more than enough food, it is just not her favourites.
I've just found out from another relative she's been out to the supermarket this morning to get the treats she likes. I'm so cross I cant bear to speak to her, and I am thinking twice about organising more deliveries for her?

YABU. Leave the poor woman alone!

I thought so. I fear I am turning into my mother.

I think sometimes we forget to consider what their outlook might be and at the end of the day they are adults entitled to make their own decisions and choices.

Take my mum for example. She's in her 80s and a widow. She is very clear that she is not the least bit worried about dying. What she won't tolerate is living a shit life for whatever time she has left. So she is doing some things that increase her risk but enhance her enjoyment and she fully accepts the trade off.

You need to appreciate that being so cross you can't bear to speak to your aunt is completely counterproductive for all concerned. She is not a child and you have no right to try and treat her like one.

It’s her choice.
Maybe popping out for a couple of treats gives her exercise and allows her a bit of freedom.

She wants her treats! She lives alone. How can you be angry at her? She could pick something up from the deliveries. I help out my over 70 parents where I can but I certainly don't do it on the provision they stay at home.

She lives alone. She's probably bored as hell. It's great that you did all that organising of shopping but, for her mental health, she needs something nice to look forward to.

I thought so. I fear I am turning into my mother.

It happens to the best of us OP

You're all right, I know. It's things like a certain brand of tea bags. The local shop doesn't have them. There's no point in me ordering things if she's going out anyway, is there?

I would ask her if she wants to do her own shopping. Does she have a car? I can see why you wouldn't like idea of carrying heavy shopping but if she says she can manage then I would leave her to it.

I get it. Dm is 65. Df is 70 and has mild copd. So he absolutely shouldn’t be shopping. Dm goes pretty much every other day. Dd waits in the car.

It’s a blessing that his dodgy knee (which he had an operation on in January) is playing up because he was being an idiot and not resting and twisted it cutting the lawnso he can’t walk far anymore and therefore can’t help do the shopping.

We’ve suggested to dm that she does one shop a week. But nope. She needs to go every other day. Which is odd because she used to do one shop a week....

But I guess there’s the getting out the house motive too

I need to calm down before I speak to her. I know I'm not bring reasonable, but I can't work out why she would risk going on a ventilator for some better tea bags and all butter shortbread!

*being

She's just probably a bit stir crazy it'll be less about the teabags and more of the actually doing something useful/going somewhere. Please don't berate her like a child, I'm heavily pregnant and in the same minor shielding group as my 75 year old mother who also lives on her own. I still need to get out of the house, but my Mum does especially because shes on her own even with my brothers who live locally doing her shops for her.

She'll be okay OP as long as she's socially distancing and only shopping occasionally. X

A relative of mine in their early 70s went and did their own shopping last week. I have been doing it for them up until now. I wasn't particularly happy until they pointed out that mentally they were getting to the point where they were terrified to go out. They were worried they were going to end up being mentally unable to do so by the time lockdown ended, so actually the better decision was to run a small risk in the supermarket now than to get to the stage where their life was reduced to their house permanently. They are an adult, I have to respect that choice and reasoning.

She probably doesn’t want to go on a ventilator anyway. More and more older people are saying that they have a handful of years left at best and they don’t want to waste that limited time imprisoned in their own home. It was a bit of a minority view a few weeks ago but it’s definitely gaining traction now it looks as if some of us might be stuck at home for months.

Its doubtful she would want to be put on a ventilator. Stop trying to control the poor woman. She must find you infuriating trying to take over her life. Whilst its a nice thing to do to get her online deliveries have you actually asked her what she wants to do?

A friend gave me a fridge magnet a few years ago

"Mirror Mirror on the wall
I am my mother after all"

Let her be.

There are double standards on her -on one hand healthy people are staying indoors 'to save the NHS' and other hand encouraging the 'vulnerable' to go out!
It is the vulnerable' who will put a burden on the NHS if they catch it, and if there is anyone whose neighbours should be 'reporting them' it is the elderly.

Aren’t the supermarkets specifically open in the morning for the over 70’s?
I don’t think it’s a rule that anyone over 70 has to self isolate for 12 weeks .

for you - and for your aunt too. I completely understand. Am in a similar position with my aunt. My mum, who lives locally to me, is relying on me to do all the shopping and isn’t going out. She is in her early 80s and I am finding it hard seeing how diminished (for want of a better word) she is becoming.

Thanks for your wise words. I love her so much, and I'm so scared of this virus. It was bad enough seeing her battle cancer. I think I'm just trying to control the situation.