No idea how to help a teenager (not my child)

[Dazedandconfused28]

Sorry to post in AIBU, but I would really appreciate some advice. So my sister in law's son is 14 - his Dad hasn't been on the scene since he was 3 and was abusive. My SIL has 3 older children from a different relationship - they are all adults and have moved away.

From ever since I can remember DN has been desperate for his Mum's attention - and she has always treated him with contempt, or simply completely ignored him. She has suffered depression, and definitely struggles to articulate her feelings. She had DN when she was older (having had her first child at 19) and I think she resents him to an extent. She has always gone out 3-4 times a week to do a hobby and DN has been left alone since the age of 7 or 8 - we only recently discovered this from his adult brother recently. DN was a lovely sociable child, very chatty and affectionate, but since about the age of 9 or 10 has become withdrawn and now just plays computer games up to 10 hours a day, and often through the night. Since lockdown he hasn't been outside in 3 weeks, and hasn't washed during that time - I know this because his Mum tells me, as though she has no power over this. I appreciate I can't judge, I am not a mother to teenagers. We have tried to talk to her about it, but we risk completely alienating her and losing all touch, which would be the worst for DN, it is a delicate situation, which I am unlikely to be able to convey over mumsnet.

I can see that DN is probably suffering depression and being off school and away from routine is really having an impact on him. I would like to engage with him, and show him he is cared for - but I don't know how best to engage with a teenager - or even encourage him out of his room. Before lockdown he refused our invites, won't respond to messages - regardless I keep trying and have sent him care packages over the lockdown period - but I would really appreciate some advice on how to engage with him and try to show him some love.

Speaking as a loving Aunty to a teenage nephew, they do seem to go through a phase for a couple of years where they withdraw a bit and come across as quite moody, and may not want to respond to messages as it’s just not cool to message your aunt a lot.
My eldest nephew is now 16 and came out of this phase just over a year ago. We now have a wonderful relationship again, it was just hormones and growing up.
I think the parcel’s you’re sending sound great, maybe you could see what games he’s playing and join him online? Most important thing with engaging anyone is meeting them on their level so trying to get him to do things he’s not shown any interest in previously will likely not have much effect.
Good luck and hope it works out well for you both xx

I would contact his school. He sounds vulnerable.

Thank you both - I know he would probably engage over computer games - but this is something I know zero about, and also I worry it only makes him more isolated and withdrawn.

I would contact his school - but I know I risk his mother completely blocking us then and this behaviour could easily be written off as typical teenage stroppiness.

Not to drip feed - his mother currently has a young boyfriend (25) and whilst there is no suggestion of abuse, I think DN finds it awkward him being in the house, and seeing his mother give attention to someone, when she finds it so difficult to do the same for him.

Wanting to play computer games and being nocturnal given the chance is typical teen behaviour, it's the lack of supervision and attention from his mum that is worrying. My dd didn't engage with relatives unless made to at that age, grunts are language but the neglect is concerning. You could try to engage about games, find out what his favourite games are and do some research, I resorted to asking dd to come down for tea through her game chat (she's autistic so obsessive behaviour in the extreme) as she got older she has learnt to engage with her family better.

I would imagine that playing games online endlessly is what a lot of teens are doing, judging by the silence in our village from them. I wouldn't let that in itself worry you so much and maybe he is having social contact through the games with friends. I think you are probably doing all the right things, sending him a few parcels is great. Would he Whatsapp do you think? You could send him something you've seen that you think is funny or a photo to show what your home currently looks like with you at home all the time, or whatever you think. It sounds as if any contact would be good for him, and what you are doing above everything is keeping the door open for when all this is over and he might be able to visit you or stay for a while (would you want that? could that work okay with school etc?) I would say he has quite naturally retreated from mum and her 25 year old boyfriend because that is really uncomfortable if he is actually staying there at the moment. He is very lucky to have a nice Aunty looking out for him and being concerned, but are his older siblings any use in this situation? I wonder if they could also make sure they are an escape route for him.