To be upset about husband's lack of parental interest?

[araw89]

This is my first post on MN and I'm not usually a forum sort of person. However, I feel I don't really have anyone close to me who I can vent to about this, besides my MIL who doesn't like my husband anyway so can't see the situation objectively.

DH and I share one DD who is 15 months. DH has a 10 year old son from his first marriage who we usually share 50% custody of. SS is mostly a good kid, the only fly in the ointment being that his mum is pretty unhelpful (by unhelpful I mean lets him stay up too late, let's him sit on his iPad all day, believes schoolwork is "boring" so doesn't bother, let's him eat shit food, etc.) DH and I to work hard when he is with us to get him to eat well, sleep well, do some schoolwork to catch up, and just reenforce basic manners and housekeeping that his mum SHOULD be doing.
DH really takes most of the responsibility for this and pours all his energy into SS, sadly to the point he pretty much ignores our DD. I've offered to share the load and help out with things, like do some schoolwork or take SS out so DH can spend more time with DD but he always finds an excuse not to do it.

At the moment with lockdown SS is in isolation with his mum who has tested positive for coronavirus. DH is really disappointed not to see SS and is insisting on FaceTiming him daily, right at the same time our DD has her bath. I've asked him to change the time but he gets angry and says it's the only time he can chat to him. I was really hoping he could do bath/bedtime this week with DD but now he won't. I've asked him to take DD for a walk every now and then so that I don't get stuck in a rut and to offer variety with going out once a day. Instead he prefers to go for a run by himself leaving me to take DD on my own once a day, every single damn day. I spend the second half of the day doing learning and playtime activities with DD on my own whilst DH decorates SS's room and does "jobs" in the loft.

Don't get me wrong; DH helps with cooking and will share 5 or 10 minutes of interaction with DD here and there, but he never devotes any quality time with her like he does with SS. I know I shouldn't be jealous of a stepchild, but I am starting to feel fed up that one child gets so much devotion from him, hours of schoolwork, hours of playing football, computer games, etc., and then our daughter gets so little by way of comparison.
It breaks my heart to see other dads helping out so much with their younger children, feeding them, bathing them, knowing their routines inside and out etc. My DH does hardly any of that. I genuinely thought that if DH was such a keen and devoted dad to my SS that he would be with our children too.

Any thoughts or suggestions really welcome. From a fed up mum

Could it be that your husband finds 15 months a boring age? I know I did.

Not sure I get wound up about when he’s FaceTiming his son. It must be tough that he can’t see him.

Saying all that he does need to spend time with your daughter to build the relationship and share the load. Have you spoken to him about this?

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all and I would be really upset by this.

I think you need to be a bit firmer about making him get involved. I would try not to mention your SS too much - you don't want to make it into a sort of competition between the two children - and just talk about you and him and your DD and how you feel you've been taking full responsibility for her care while he opts out. Maybe don't ask him to move the time of the phone call, but you definitely need to insist on you being able to exercise on your own every other day and the two of you take turns to take DD out. And think of something (anything!) that you want to spend time on inside the house and insist that he looks after DD while you do it.

This is a bone of contention with my ex,won't play with Dd when he has her or take her to park,soft play, swimming,parties etc as he finds it boring,I find it mind numbing too but this is what you do as a parent ffs

Could you make her bath earlier or later ? Or perhaps say to him he needs to do something (can he for example be the one to feed her solid foods throughout the day - even if you are the one preparing them ) and that you sometimes feel like he doesn’t love her as much and see what he says.

Maybe guilty feelings he isn't around for ss 24 /7..
So he is keeping his distance from dd.. Imo simply change bath time. And call him out on favouring one dc over he other.

Out of interest and I'm sorry to go off topic here but have you&your DH considered going for full custody of your SS with him maybe spending every other weekend with his mum instead of 50/50 custody or maybe he spend one night a week eg Friday and Saturday day with his mum?

He seems to have a unstable home life with her and sounds as though he'd be better off with you.

I'd be out the door when Covid is over. He's using his son to escape the drudgery of parenting. He ain't gonna change.

I think YABU here. He will have a relationship with DD by virtue of her being around and will likely be more involved when she is more responsive.
I'd argue that it's more important to put effort into maintaining a relationship with the child he doesn't live with, especially a son. From my experience, women and girls just put a higher priority on maintaining familial contact. I know a lot of sons who have had periods of relatively sparse contact with their fathers and that relationship has just died as a result.

I would ask him if he wants his daughter on opposite weeks to his son when you inevitably split up or if he would prefer them both at the same time

I can’t believe how many people are excusing this shitty father, because the baby is ‘boring’. Ffs, talk about making a woman feel like all the shit work is up to her! He’s opting out of being an involved father to his daughter. Nothing excuses that.

What if OP finds baby boring too? Should they both just not bother until baby becomes more interesting?

If your SS is not here this week, and you are both at home with DD I’d be ill and take to my bed for a whole 24 hours ( awful migraine/ tummy upset). He will have to step up then won’t he?

I would flat out ask him: "Do we have to get divorced, too, for you to take an interest in our daughter?"

Just change her bath time to half an hour either side

Well, in the case of his son he is trying to compensate for 50% poor parenting. He thinks that if he doesn’t get healthy food and stimulation into the lad, then he won’t be properly nurtured at all. In the case of his daughter, he rests easy in the knowledge that she is being very well cared for. At the moment, that disparity is amplified because he isn’t getting tine with his son to have his parenting input. In a weird way, it’s a compliment to you as he trusts you absolutely. I can really see it from his POV, but you just need to let him know really camly (and without mentioning the contrast in involvement) that you need a co-parent in raising DD. Definitely start alternating the exercise alone/exercise with buggy sessions.

I think as he only sees his son 50% of the time he is over compensating and as he sees your DD all the time he may feels there's less need to make an effort.

I think regarding the bath time you are being unreasonable as he cannot see his son and has said that's the only time he can FT and it is only a bath she will have hundreds more after the isolation.

Regarding him going for a run and not taking her out - yes I would be annoyed more so because you need some YOU time too

@likeafishneedsabike and @Poppi89 I think you both make really valid points. I do try and see things from DH's point of view, I guess it's just hard to quietly sit by when the disparity between how he treats them is so vast. Like, one child he hardly ever puts to bed, never says goodnight to, and the other has an elaborate 30 minute routine involving frothy not chocolates, bedtime stories, kissing teddies goodnight and saying "I love you" 10 times over. There has to be a line and I think it's crossed over into "unfair" territory.
I know it's important that SS feels loved and included when he's here and I recognise that totally, but our daughter shouldn't be ignored because she's just there all the time. His relationship with her needs effort too.

Thanks everyone. I think maybe I need to be more forceful in terms of dictating when I make time for myself, and "push" our DD on him a bit more. It shouldn't be this way, but I think he's being complacent. Perhaps it is a compliment that he trusts what I'm doing to raise her and care for her, but she should grow up with both her parents doing things with her.

I think you're right OP. It sounds like maybe you've been a bit too passive about it, waiting for him to see the disparity himself and step up? As that hasn't happened, you need to take control a bit more.

YANBU. The babies can be boring excuse is a cop out in my opinion! You cant pause parenthood until you get to the bits you like!
Sorry to not offer any helpful advice. My DH has spent most of lockdown in the garden or doing DIY projects of his own making. My DC are primary/teen but most days one of them will ask DH if he wants to do Joe wicks/play a game/watch a tv programme and 9 times out of 10 it's a no because hes got something to do. He even chooses to eat lunch at a different time!
Occasionally he offers to take them for a bike ride . I feel disappointed that despite the shitty situation this is family time that we wont have again. (We have 1 x 7 day holiday per year, usually)

Even if he does find the toddler age boring? Tough luck! He needs to spend time with his DD!

I think you both are right & need to be flexible
Talk to him explain how you feel. Why does bath time have to be to rigid? Can’t your dd say hi to her brother ? They both need to crate a bond too
If your h goes for a run ask for equal you time, to go for a walk , have a bath while he is responsible for her
I think you both need to start being more relaxed , parenthood is by nature a guessing game & not perfect x.

Sorry you’re having to deal with this OP. I agree that he must feel the need to make SS feel loved and cared for but not at your daughter’s expense.

I would start with the walks and tell him you’re going for a walk alone today so he can bring DD out. Then I would change up the bath time if possible so he can do that and/or make myself busy at bedtime so he has to put her down by himself.

When my DS was a few months old DH wouldn’t get up in the morning when the baby woke because he was tired and wouldn’t hear him. But I would set an alarm to make sure I was up on time because I don’t have a choice, the baby needed breakfast etc. and I’m responsible for him. I put up with it for a couple weeks and got really annoyed because I felt if I didn’t do it would the baby just have to go hungry?! DH made an effort after I pointed that out and we have parented 50/50 since then (DS now 1 year old).

Could there be any preference thing going on? Preferring a son over a daughter?