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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell him I need a bit of alone time?

23 replies

Lemononachair · 20/04/2020 14:46

I moved into a new place just before lockdown started and it just so happened that bf had also moved back to his mum’s temporarily around the same time. Since we have both been furloughed for the time being it made sense to be at mine since there is not much space at his mums and they have a house full at the moment.

This is all fine and I’m really glad to have bf around but sometimes I find myself struggling a little bit - it’s been hard at times what with the fact that we both suffer depression anyway. The endless hours of being bored with little to do but overthink everything, constant worries about money, putting on weight and just general feeling of being trapped is getting me down.

Before this happened I had not properly lived with someone for about 18months and was finally getting used to being happy in my own company. Now I’m finding that I have none of that time anymore and I feel a tiny bit suffocated. I went out for a walk the other day on my own and it was lovely to have some space for a short while, just to listen to my music and not have the pressure of trying to make someone else happy or keep them entertained. I could do everything at my own pace and I felt rejuvenated afterwards.

Bf was asleep when I left (he has chronic insomnia and is basically nocturnal at the moment since he doesn’t have to get up for work) and was upset when he realised I wasn’t there. He was upset I had gone out without him but he sleeps so much at the moment and takes so long to wake up and get out of the house that we waste a lot of the day and I find that immensely frustrating when the weather is nice and I need to get out and get some fresh air and exercise for my own mental health. He is also not as used to the exercise so often we will go for such a short distance before he wants to leave and I really feel like I need more.

How do I phrase it nicely that sometimes I need a bit of space? Not from him per se, just to be on my own and do my own thing without worrying that he will be upset with me when I get back?

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 20/04/2020 14:49

Just tell him. And, maybe rethink whether living together is a good idea.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2020 14:51

Think about it this way... you need in a relationship to be able to communicate your needs. If you can't it's not a good relationship. And you want a good relationship. So you say it.

JKScot4 · 20/04/2020 14:52

He was upset you went out without him?
Is he 5?
He sounds needy and hard work, very selfish if he expects you to sit about all day whilst he sleeps, explain it to him, if he doesn’t like it he can go back to his mums.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2020 14:53

I would send him packing back to his mother's house, immediately. I really hope you understand how wrong it is that he tries to control what you do. Who the fuck is he to kick off because you want to go for a walk? Do not tolerate that for another minute.

Gatehouse77 · 20/04/2020 14:53

Explain what you need and why but don’t assume you need to be defensive because he will likely react to that instead of hearing your words. Choose words that cannot lead to ambiguity or misinterpretation.
Equally, listen to his response. There may be areas of compromise.

Original poster

Lemononachair · 20/04/2020 14:57

We had discussed moving in together before this happened and had agreed that is was too soon in the relationship and the place I’m living is unsuitable. It’s something we were going to talk about in the future when a few other things are sorted out (jobs etc) but obviously it’s been accelerated because of lockdown. We are both in agreement that he will be moving back to his mum’s house when this is all done though.

I know I need to talk to him about it. I just want to be able to say it in such a way that he doesn’t think I’m fed up with him or want a break from the relationship because I’m not and I don’t! It’s just difficult being with someone 24/7 when you don’t have work or anything to break up the day and distract you. Being at home all this time has kind of put me back to a stage of my life when my mental health was really bad and I was on benefits. I’ve really tried so hard to get out of that mindset and I don’t want to slide back.

OP posts:

Magicbabywaves · 20/04/2020 14:58

Tell him to do one would be my advice. He doesn’t sound a good long term prospect anyway.

Original poster

Lemononachair · 20/04/2020 15:04

‘Kicking off’ is not really a good description of what happened tbh, I think he was just a bit hurt that I went out without him and he assumed that it was because I didnt want to be around him, it’s not that at all it’s that I didn’t want to be around anyone! Up until now we have gone and done our walks and stuff together.

He has said that he feels like he’s bringing me down and I’m worried that if I then say I want to go out alone he’ll believe that’s true even more. Depression is difficult and complicated and I just want to be able to do the thing that makes us both happy.

OP posts:

whatdayisitandotherquestions · 20/04/2020 15:06

This does sound potentially a red flag for controlling behaviour. Can't say for sure without other information, but ask yourself this - would you make him feel bad if he went for a walk by himself? I doubt it because you're a grown up and a reasonable human being.

Please, please don't fall into the trap of trying to understand his feelings. That way madness (and loss of self respect) lies. Making you feel bad for wanting to do something independent is not on, don't humour him on this.

whatdayisitandotherquestions · 20/04/2020 15:07

He was hurt because you went out? Sounds manipulative to me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2020 15:08

He needs a chat about what depression is, what self-care is, what good support looks like.

You really don't want a partner that makes your mental health about him.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 20/04/2020 15:16

I think you should frame your discussion all about you. Talk about your mental health, explain that walking a longer distance and having some time alone to relax helps you. If he then mentions feeling as though you don't want him around etc, you can gently reply that it isn't about him, it's about knowing what works for you and that it is important that you get it.

FWIW, DH is a lot fitter than me, so we often leave the house for a walk together but when I'm ready to turn back, he keeps going - this makes sure we both get what we need and isn't a slight against the other.
I am also someone who needs time alone to relax and think. DH needs company and someone to talk to (I think he just likes noise in general tbh) - we've talked about it and he does group zoom calls with his friends while I go for a few hours to the bedroom on my own.

Needing different things isn't a bad thing. It's something most couples need to navigate at some point.
The important thing is going to be how you approach it with him and how he reacts. If he is anything other than understanding of your needs then I think he needs to go home

sunfloweryy · 20/04/2020 15:17

When me and DH first got together I struggled with this a bit too. My DH is a classic extrovert, constantly wants to be doing something or socialising and couldn’t comprehend why I would want to lie on the bed alone for an hour or go out by myself. He would feel like he would have to come and ‘cheer me up’. Drove me mad!! People on here will tell you he’s needy and that it’s a red flag but that’s not necessarily the case, you just need to both find your level.

Find a time to talk, maybe over a drink or something so you are both chilled. Phrase it gently, explain it’s not anything to do with him, it’s just you’re the kind of person that needs to be alone more often than him. My DH had to google introverts to properly understand but he got there

Years on I can freely tell him to piss off so I can be by myself and he doesn’t mind at all

ksf5555xxx · 20/04/2020 15:26

DH .. I love you but I need time for myself every day to meditate and recharge. I will take 1hr in the morning and 90mins in the evening and I need you to find something else to do and to be ok with this.

This is how I am and you should no this now. NO... its not negotiable. Luv ya

Nearlyalmost50 · 20/04/2020 15:26

It's not introverted to want to go for a walk in the lovely sunny weather when your boyfriend is only awake at night! It's extremely sensible. He will bring you down if you are not careful.

anothernotherone · 20/04/2020 15:27

One person's mental health cannot be made sacred at the expense of the other persons, regardless of whether one has mental health issues and the other doesn't, or both do.

If you have to tread on eggshells around him he will destroy your quality of life, and it won't even help his mental health.

Tell him the truth. You need alone time. That's about you, not about him. Then stop talking and wait for his response (if it's a flounce or silk ignore).

I work in a small team in a residential setting with a couple of residents in their early 30s with depression and anxiety and other mental health issues. One has made serious suicide attempts. We've had a lot of in depth training as the staff are not mental health specialists but more and more of our residents are now complicated people with mental illnesses as well as other complicating factors.

The advice is to be empathetic but honest and protect yourself (and others) emotionally. It's easy to get pulled in/ under but you cannot afford to let anyone else's mental health be more important than your own.

gamerchick · 20/04/2020 15:31

Christ I couldn't be bothered. Tell him that you're not going to waste a beautiful day while watching him sleep. That it's selfish of him to expect you to.

Personally I'd send him home. His mental health doesn't trump yours and I would seriously reconsider moving in together any time soon.

aupresdemonarbre · 20/04/2020 15:35

Yanbu at all, but did you leave a note when you went out? I’d be upset if I woke up and my DH was randomly gone, though of course I wouldn’t mind at all if he left a note saying “gone to the park, back around 10 o’clock” or whatever.

I think it’s obviously fine to say you want to go for a walk to clear your head. Maybe make it a morning thing so you can still go for a walk with him in the afternoon if he wants?

Rezie · 20/04/2020 15:50

I think it's one of those things when you just go without saying a word makes it worse. Saying "I love living together, but with everyhting going on, i just need a minute to myself. I'll go for walk/sit in garden/listen to music in another room for an hour. maybe after that we can play a game?"

fuckoffImcounting · 20/04/2020 16:05

Bf sounds like a big ole controlling whiner. It is not your job to entertain him or manage his feelings if you go for a walk without him. Send him back home to his mum now. This is a controlling git just getting started.

Thingsthatgo · 20/04/2020 16:08

If he’s sleeping a lot during the day, I would make sure that you get all your sleeping done at night. Then get up early and you’ll have lots of time to yourself.

Purpleartichoke · 20/04/2020 16:19

It is normal and healthy for couples to have some space. I love my DH, but some evenings we retreat to different rooms and relax solo.

ksf5555xxx · 20/04/2020 17:00

I totally get the frustration on here;

OP gets guilted for going for a walk while DH sleeps all day.
OP feels she cannot demand alone time in her own home.

So genuine question - why do some women still feel unable to assert their basic 'self love' in this day an age?

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