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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not force the kids to facetime?

38 replies

Queenofthestress · 20/04/2020 10:14

Split up with ex-dp 3 years ago. 2 kids, aged 3 and 6. The eldest is autistic. We've been in lockdown for a month (we're on week 5 this week ) he's still going between his and his mums. So obviously the kids have been at home with me for the full month.

Since lock down started for us, I've had two or three messages asking how we are doing, and the total of 4 requests to facetime. Each time we have facetimed the eldest has refused and the youngest has refused 2 times. I do the usual encouraging to talk to him etc but short of following them round with the camera there's not much else I can do. Both refused last night so I ended the call. Then got several shirty messages off his mum for apparently refusing him access to facetime the kids. It's got me thinking that maybe I should be doing more to encourage the kids to talk to him but I can't see much more that I can do?

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 20/04/2020 13:54

Get a Facebook portal TV top camera version if you have a smart TV. The camera follows them around the living room so no need for them or you to hold a phone. They’ll see him on the big screen and he can see them even if they are not interested in actually sitting nice and having a call.

HugeAckmansWife · 20/04/2020 14:10

i agree its hard to get a decent conversation, even when they are willing. Is it an option to suggest that he stops calling round to his mums and then the kids can actually go and have contact?

Original poster

Queenofthestress · 20/04/2020 19:35

So, there wasn't much point in finding out new ways to get them to interact as the cockwomble didn't bother calling today as he was meant to per usual.

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/04/2020 19:53

They clearly dont understand autistic issues. And a lot of young children don’t like trying to make conversation or perform on telephone or video call. It’s a lot of pressure and not helpful in current situation.
It must be very stressful for you.
Make sure you keep a screenshot of his promises to call and then not.
I’d send that to mil next time she makes these hints and tell her firmly that she is not correct and needs to be more understanding If she really wants to encorage good relationships with gcs. It’s not up to her anyway.
it was a great idea of someone’s to send a video of them playing. Also I’d do stills of their artwork or exercise walks. Then they can’t allege no contact.
Send photos to dad, we waited for you to call as arranged on xyz day, but as we didn’t hear from you I thought you might like to see these photos to see how they are getting on.

Original poster

Queenofthestress · 20/04/2020 20:08

I'm wondering if possibly a Google drive maybe a good option, then I can add my parents on it as well, then everyone can see it plus I'd be able to access logs of who is looking when
I do think that his mum knows exactly what he's like so she's doing a bit more pressure on who she thinks is the one who will 'cave' so to speak. Jokes on her though as I have a spine of steel and he knows it.

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recycledbottle · 20/04/2020 20:40

I wouldnt bother engaging with his Mum. He is not 5. She doesnt need to scold you on his behalf.

baubled · 20/04/2020 22:00

I'm normally in the camp of argue back when someone is in the wrong but they both sound like a pair of knobs. If she already knows what she's like I wouldn't engage further than "Thanks for your input Marjorie, I'll take that on board" she will hate that and it also doesn't give her anything to argue back to, if she carries on just keep sending "I'll take that on board too" "thanks, I'll make note".

Taddda · 20/04/2020 22:23

I don't see why you have to answer to his mum in any way whatsoever? I'm trying to think of something more polite than 'fuck off!'....but really am struggling! She sounds awful....

Legally, what right does she have though?

Original poster

Queenofthestress · 21/04/2020 06:40

He's autistic as well but high functioning to use the old terms for it (honestly apart from a few quirks you really wouldn't know it) so looking back on the messages over the last three years I think she fancies himself as 'his keeper'

Nevermind the fact that he's obviously able to get a girlfriend and shag otherwise the kids wouldn't be here! I've never really noticed it but the only person he seems to 'answer to' looking back seems to be her as well, he never seems to take responsibility when I'm trying to hold him accountable for shit actions.

@Taddda telling her to fuck off would be glorious! I did the year before last, I told her she was a manipulative, emotionally dysfunctional bitch who needs to keep her nose out. Wasn't my proudest moment, I must admit

OP posts:

AntiSocialDistancer · 21/04/2020 07:49

I would try as best as you can to facilitate it or contact will be tricky for your son with ASD when it starts back up again. Breakfast is always a chill time, can you set up a little session over breakfast? Or when hes watching a TV show hes particularly engaged with? My son likes to tell me all about Youve Been Framed (when i am right next to him, watching the same show he could just bore his Dad instead?

We always find videos work well. Or they enjoy sending emojis through to people.

Original poster

Queenofthestress · 21/04/2020 08:02

@AntiSocialDistancer beauty and the beast is the current obsession, and trains, so he can jabber at his dad instead of me about that if I can get him engaged (he has severe communication issues surrounding his understanding of verbal and written language)

Is it bad that I just don't understand why it seems to be so hard for his dad to engage when me and his teachers can't get him to stop jabbering about random things

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Taddda · 21/04/2020 22:59

Is it bad that I just don't understand why it seems to be so hard for his dad to engage when me and his teachers can't get him to stop jabbering about random things

It sounds to me like he's just more comfortable around you and his teachers, hence the jabbering on- if he shuts down with Dad he obviously not that comfortable in engaging with him.

It's really not your job to force the relationship between your DC and him (and the mother!)- I still like the initial suggestion about putting all the questions back to them (putting 'them' is just wrong, it should be 'him', but sounds very much like they've ganged up on you here).

Ask them what they would like you to do. Their only possible answer could be that you make/force them- then ask 'how would you like me to do that'...

I find that putting questions back to people like this sometimes works in a way that they can realise how ridiculous they're being when they get called to answer.

Original poster

Queenofthestress · 25/04/2020 10:06

We finally had a facetime yesterday (after he'd promised multiple times) and leaving the phone near the youngest has worked! They had a 25 mins conversation, which guaranteed was just putting the filters on, but that's longer than the scant 5 mins here and there they've had

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